Butch Wonders
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Have You Hugged a Gay Man Today?

11/25/2011

7 Comments

 
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Ah, gay men.  Often we think of them as having a lot more money, much better porn, and nicer abs than we lesbians do.  But how else do we think of them?  As our buddies?  Our rivals?  Our best bet for a Christmas dinner date to Grandma's house?  In this post, I introduce something I've been thinking about for a while: the relationship between lesbians and gay men.  And I intersperse a couple of polls throughout the article to get your take on the boys.  To start with:

Many lesbians and gay men dated each other in high school, but too often we grow apart later in life.  I've heard gay men say mean things about lesbians' supposed frumpiness, grumpiness, and penchant for plaids, and I've heard lesbians say mean things about gay men's supposed bitchiness and promiscuity.  (For the record, I am against neither plaids nor [consensual] promiscuity, though frumpiness and bitchiness are both no-nos in my book.)

There's something about the gay male ethos that's very appealing to many dykes.  Just as some lesbians exude masculine energy from a female body, some gay men exude feminine energy from a male body.  Maybe the mix of masculine and feminine energy is one of the reasons that gay men and lesbians sometimes develop crush out on each other.  (They can be as mad about Maddow as we are, and goodness knows we were stoked to learn that Quinto's a queer.)
I was reminded of my fondness for gay men after spending much of Thanksgiving chatting with my wonderful gay cuz, R., who is a photographer and a total cutie (and he's single, boys, so get in line!), and the evening before Thanksgiving with some great friends (including K&M, one of my all-time favorite gay couples). 

Maybe some of my affinity for certain gay men comes from their reputation (deserved or not) as tidy, dapper, and bookish.  There's something about the "dandy" aesthetic that many butches embrace.  In defining ourselves and our style, there's often a shortage of female icons to draw on.  The gay male aesthetic offers an image of masculinity that doesn't draw on heterosexual machismo as much as many straight male icons do.  And for those who see ourselves as oppositional (in one way or another) to heterosexual masculinity, gay male masculinity provides an interesting reference point.
What stereotypes do you hold about gay men?  What stereotypes do you think they hold about lesbians?  What could a gay man and a lesbian learn from one another?
7 Comments
Leapinlez
11/25/2011 01:27:34 pm

I think only ones not having gay guy friends are separatist. Like the ones wouldn't let my son into womans concert as baby. Silly to me and never understood it. Gay guys are fantastic friends. But this is my opinion and am stickin to it.

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butch
11/27/2011 07:17:53 am

bell hooks described gay men in an essay she wrote about that documentary "Paris is Burning," which is about the ball scene among African-American gay men in NYC. She said that the way they acted was no different than a bunch of straight men sitting in front of a TV, watching a football game.

My closest friend is a gay man, and part of the reason we have been friends for so long is that I see him and other gay men realistically. He sees me realistically as well, so we don't buy into the propaganda about each other.

I don't really feel any different towards gay men than I do towards any other type of person. I like that we are both outside the norm, but I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. Been around the LGBTQ community for to many years to buy into these rose-colored glasses, simplistic views of people.

I am also not at all into the current trend of the "dapper" look (construction workin' butch here :)), so I don't sit and bond with gay men over that. I like to look good, but in my own way, buy making my own clothes/accessories/etc. I feel a deep kinship with gay men that are rejected by mainstream gay male culture. We just enjoy each other's weirdness. Psychologically we have some similar traits (which I'm guessing come from similar experiences), so we can have a deep bond that stems from that.

Also, holy shit, this post contains the word "lesbian." Haven't seen that in ages on one of these queeresque blogs. Not knocking lesbian or queer as words, I'm just surprised to see it.

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victoria link
11/29/2011 06:04:34 am

We went dancing the other night, and the club was about eighty percent gay guys. Every size and shape and dress sense, and they were just there to dance and have a good time like I was. Granted, a few spilled drinks on me, but I blame that on being short more than anything else. I felt safe, and I was having fun. I have just as much fun with my gay friends as I do my lesbian friends. I can have the same shallow or deep conversations with both too.

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Butch Wonders link
11/29/2011 08:16:57 am

Thanks for the great thoughts and feedback. Butch, what do you see instead of the word "lesbian?" Just "queer?" I guess a lot of people are kind of eschewing "lesbian," but personally, I like it, and identify as both lesbian *and* queer. :)

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butch
12/1/2011 04:17:51 pm

Yes, I mainly see "queer." I personally do not care what people call themselves. "Queer" is sort of the current thing, and there will be some other term after that, and another term after that, and another, and so on.

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Levi link
2/6/2012 01:28:49 pm

First person I ever crushed on (middle school) was a cherubic boy with a high, squeaky voice and a Cher obsession. I honestly didn't realize how it added up until my senior year of high school.

I continue to find gay and queer men attractive, and they seem to return the favor---I get hit on by gay guys far more than I've ever been hit on by straight guys. If/when I ever hook up with or date a guy, he'll probably be queer.

Reply
Charli link
3/14/2014 03:46:55 am

My problem is, all I know is gay men, I don't know any other gay women! (And they don't know many either.) In our group of queers and dears, I am the only woman into other women. And who doesn't mind being single, either ;)

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