Earlier this year, A Femme in NYC wrote How to Know if a Femme Likes You. I've been wanting to write a butch counterpart to her excellent list.
Many butches are shy. I'm one of them. Sure, some butches will march right up to you, tell you you're hot, and ask you out. Not me. And not most butches I know. Faced with a hot femme (or butch--God, hitting on another butch brings up a whole host of other issues...), our confidence sometimes melts, a cocky grin turning into a tentative smile. If the butch object of your affection is one of the shyer members of our species, her hints will be subtle. These clues apply to butches interested in anyone--femmes, androgynous folks, other butches, or anyone else: 15 Signs That a Butch Might Be Into You
Got it?? OMG, as I finish up this entry (and I'm totally not kidding), there are a butch and femme tentatively flirting at the coffee shop I'm sitting in. The femme just grabbed the butch's hand to emphasize something, and the butch held it back, just for a second, and blushed. Telltale sign. Then the butch was all like, "Oooh, you should come check out this community garden we have, six of us will be there tonight having a few beers, yada yada yada," and the femme was like, "I totally will." Well played, ladies. So what do you think of this list? What are some of our other "butch tells?"
70 Comments
Angie
5/4/2012 08:14:49 am
LOVE IT! It is so true. I have observed this as well.
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ms.elisha
3/3/2016 01:01:40 am
This is absolutely true.I done that so many times.and it have happen to me at outings etc.
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Jeanie flowers
3/27/2016 02:01:55 pm
Curious 21 yr old female
mellown
11/19/2018 01:05:01 am
umhh so how do i start to be an butch
Elena
7/27/2018 09:21:57 pm
Thank you this is so true now I now that you need to actsholy talk to them and get them interested and talk to butch wemon and tell them u like them or start a conversation and thay love it and yes I like one so this is good info about butch wemon thank you
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Cora
7/31/2019 03:24:47 pm
I wish butches would hit on me... but they all think I’m straight
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Sarah Elizabeth
5/4/2012 08:19:48 am
Oh my! This is so incredibly true! Love it!
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5/4/2012 08:28:15 am
Brilliant. Thank you for the play-by-play steps. There are at least 5 of these on the above list that I've completely misread. This ultra-Femme thanks you, humbly. XOXO
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belinda
5/4/2012 09:20:20 am
Me too! I'm looking back and going, 'Oh, she totally liked me!'
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Bat
5/4/2012 08:58:18 am
loved it but my g/f was out there gave all the signal but when it came to fist kiss or even to holding her hand walking on the beach she was just as shy as I was , but she put it out there saying if I like her ,I would have to make the first move , so finaly I kissed her now we are together but def hard when you are not great at making the first move so love to hear about this ,and beside it was like about 5/6 dates before I even tried to kiss her so how long should it be
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5/6/2012 07:23:44 am
Hi Bat! Y'know, I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" number of dates. I know wonderful couples who slept together on the first date, and wonderful couples who didn't even hold hands for five dates. Seriously. It's a frustrating answer, but you really just have to do what feels right for you.
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Gumbymac
5/4/2012 09:52:14 am
Well i doubt we have ever met but you just described me to a T
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AFemme
5/4/2012 10:51:23 am
For the record, there is no such thing as "over-gentlemanly"...
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herself
7/15/2013 04:09:01 am
I second that.
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Tina
5/4/2012 11:08:03 am
Number 13 is SOOO me!
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Syr Tigressnla
5/4/2012 11:19:28 am
This is so Me ..goofy looks ...ah shucks and the total gentleman.. but I let the girl do most of the talking (at times)
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diane
10/22/2012 03:02:38 pm
I agree. I consider myself a 'soft butch' and I agree with most of BW's 15 ways to tell. I never liked anyone coming on to me like gangbusters and I don't like to do it to others. I like courting and getting to know someone. But make no mistake. I believe life is too short for head games. Flirting is different. I don't consider flirting to be 'head games'. If I like you, you know it! Of course, the opposite is true, too. And, for the record, I don't mind if a fem makes the first move.
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E.J. crowell
5/4/2012 03:31:06 pm
What a bunch of bull. If she is a "REAL" butch she won't play such games. She will be brave and just ask you out, like would you like to go out? Whats with all the coy acting stuff ? Be for real, go for what you really want and don't settle for less, and if "SHE" can't stand up and announce she is interested then move on. If you want strong, stable , real butchs look for just that.I can tear a car apart in a day, train a horse in two days and tell a for real butch in two seconds and I do not consider myself butch nor femme, but you better open my door and take out the trash or I'll throw out the trash. Be for real if nothing else.
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z
5/4/2012 03:54:42 pm
What is a "real" butch? That's bullshit.
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Charm
12/28/2013 02:08:07 pm
I agree. I would never demand my butch do these things- if she doesn't do them by her own choice, then maybe she's not that into me- and I would never respect anyone who made similar demands on me. If I love my butch, I WANT to do things for her, to show I care, and to make her feel special. I would want the same from her
Charm
12/28/2013 02:10:30 pm
I know enough Bout horses to say that if u trained a horse in2 days, u did it through fear and not respect and bonded communication, ( neither of which can be accomplished in 2 days)
JM
5/7/2012 03:43:39 am
Let me guess... you're still taking out your own trash and opening your own doors, huh?
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Ellie
12/20/2012 05:05:58 am
I call BS on the horse bit. If you are going to over exaggerate your abilities make them a little more believable. You won't fool any horse-loving girls...
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Sadie
12/21/2020 01:18:55 pm
You are right when you say that it is absolutely important to be brave about your feelings. That applies to not just a butch but a femme and whatever your sexual orientation. If you're just into it for games, you end up hurting those who, somewhere along the way, found it in their heart to show some form of courage. I get what you are saying and I appreciate that.
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thingee
5/4/2012 07:02:44 pm
Wow. In reterospect, yes, she's kinda cool isn't she? I wish I had read this list earlier. Aw *swoon*. I will write it down and put it in my purse for quick reference!
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Blue
5/4/2012 09:12:35 pm
This list definitely fits me. My crush is another butch. My problem is that besides doing the things on this list, I also get so nervous around her that I can't make eye contact, and I'm not sure I smile much. So, I'm not sure why she'd want to hang out with me.
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Princess SmartyPants
5/4/2012 10:28:00 pm
If you want a femme to know that you like her and you're too shy to tell her, act nervous or excited around her. If you appear nervous and even goofy she will think that is cute and she will know that you like her. If you act all confident, how will she know that you like her?
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5/5/2012 07:34:33 am
Well I was wondering where I fit on the gender spectrum, and based on this it's definitely butch, lol, especially the offering to do butchy things like fix your computer or use YouTube to solve your dissertation transcription crisis. *ahem*
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K
1/29/2013 12:10:56 am
I think what was meant is that other butches will see through the puppy dog eyes. They'll know exactly what it means. So its not so subtle shy-butch flirting.
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Inkslinger
5/5/2012 09:19:03 am
Hmmm.... well, a lot of what's here isn't entirely "Butch specific" these are very commonplace dating rituals for all genders and orientations. I'm Butch, and I've dated both Butches, Femmes and everything in between. I don't feel there is any one particular dating trait specific to Butches over any other dating folk, apart from perhaps the classic chivalrous door holding and sparkly-eyed wink, Butches really are of the same cloth as any other human being. We flirt the same. We have the same hormones, it's evolution. As a Butch, if you really want to know if I'm into you, ask me.
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Trix
9/17/2012 07:15:18 pm
I couldn't agree more - let's not get all "gender essentialist" again about what butches are "supposed" to be like.
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5/5/2012 02:38:14 pm
And I guess it's worth noting, too, that not ALL of these signal attraction. I mean, I delight in lifting heavy objects for straight female friends, and I'm being nice because they're my friends and I like them, not because I'm flirting. But a whole bunch of these together... may very well mean something. Especially if you don't know the person very well.
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Haha. I just love that you had a real live example when you were typing this up.
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Briellen
5/8/2012 11:30:48 pm
This was really helpful! Thank you!
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GrimUrsa
5/21/2012 06:13:04 am
My Goddess! I just realised that I gave ALL the signs to the woman that I like. I'm more on the butch side of the gender spectrum, but I don't identify as butch - maybe it's a HUGE hypocrisy. Oh, and I'm not even American - this list applies to my country too...
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Kat
7/13/2012 01:07:43 am
Wow, number 14 had me laughing out loud at my desk! I am such a culprit for that one that a friend of mine teases me about my "Cowboy Code" with girls I'm interested in.
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TJ
8/27/2012 01:06:34 pm
I hope some of this stuff works in reverse because I'm inadvertently using it on the butch I've developed. LOL
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Mattie
10/21/2012 08:50:42 am
This was so helpful! I just began to wonder about a butch I just met and now I feel a lot more confident flirting with her.
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Alicen-Wonderland
1/7/2013 11:46:41 am
All very useful information. But my question is how can you get a butch to notice you? Most people assume I'm straight because I am super fem. But I really just want some butch daddy to scoop me up and claim my heart!
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Herself
7/15/2013 04:24:02 am
sighhh... I hear you sister... being a superfemme myself, I usually get ignored, particularly since I'm frustratingly shy. Isn't there a special social sign we can carry? Kidding. But not kidding...
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Marie Blaszak
6/15/2019 10:08:36 pm
Ok. Here it is! Back in the 1950's all the gay women were in the closet so they had to have a secret code to recognize each other in public or in a straight bar. This is what they did back then and i think it's the coolest ever! They had a small STAR tattoo on one of their wrists on the outside on top, not the inner. I have a star tattoo cuz many yrs ago i was told this story. I was in the closet back then. One day i went to a friends wedding and the gay uncle was there. We were sitting and eating. He saw my tattoo and went AHHH...and he took his finger and touched the tattoo. I was mortified cuz i didn't think anyone would know what it meant, but HE sure did. I just laughed it off. He didn't believe me of course. I was SO embarrassed. I still have the tattoo and i'm a lot older than most of you....but i met an older butch at a straight bar here and i'm stuck on her. Long story.
k
1/29/2013 12:21:57 am
Ah, thats definitely me.... Especially the 'protective' things, to the point where if someone opens a door for me I almost always stand there, dumbfounded on what to do next. Then proceed to blush and give the aw shucks look. #ThunderSomeWhatStolen
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Scout
1/31/2013 02:49:24 am
Great list! I could have used this when I was single for sure. Oh and I just love it when butch women are super gentlemanly.
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4/7/2013 09:54:50 am
Well, some butches are so confusing and frustrating. Like especially when they are trying to be impartial about their sexual orientation. Or they don't even know you exist until you're practically laying with your belly up saying, "HI HELLO I THINK YOU'RE TOTALLY HOT." I just want to beat my head against a desk. My partner... is a prime example of this. I bought her a beer, I bought her a stick of butter for god's sake and said now that I've buttered you up let's go play pool. She was so freaking dense and had no idea I was into her. Now we're dating she does all of those butchie things like uber protective and fixes all the curtains and washer and dryer. Seriously, some butches are so DENSE! Makes communicating hard >_> because they don't like to communicate. Let's talk about that next... Butchy communication verbal and non-verbal maybe it will help me.
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retrospect
5/12/2013 04:10:08 am
Ahh this happened to me recently. Basically everything on the list. I really liked her but was too insecure to handle it, maybe next time I will have better poise. Sure was cute though :)
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Jessica
9/27/2013 09:36:58 pm
I totally agree with the idea about shyness. I flirt with both butch, femme, and fluid, and I always end up bright red and flustered. I'm usually rather excited if I can smile and squeak out a few replies.
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ninttie
7/9/2014 05:29:48 am
I love butch lesbians I felt in love with one when I was a teenager and my heart was broken because she was too old for me, like 20 years older. I want to know how to pick up butch lesbians or how to attract them! What things make them feel interest fo you... It would be great. Very nice website!
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Tara
7/20/2014 06:39:02 pm
What does it mean when a butch won't text you back and when you ask her out she says she's busy??? Is she playing hard to get or is she just not into you?? (I mean we've only met once but still)
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Marie
6/15/2019 10:21:30 pm
I'm having the very same problem with an older butch i met at a straight bar here. Seen her there 3 wks in a row all by herself. The first time i sat there mesmerized watching her dance by herself to the band music. I jumped up and started dancing with her. She saw me and danced with me. It was a country western kind of bar out in the country. She took my arm and twirled me around a few times, but gently and in PERFECT step. When the music was over i turned to go back to my seat., but she reached out her arm and grabbed my hand for a second or two. Later that night i saw her outside smoking and talking to a guy. He went away and i handed her a paper with my name and phone number. I then went back into the bar. She never called in a week. The next week i saw her there dancing with some woman. The woman left and the butch came close to where i was sitting and was talking to a couple people. I got up and went to her and said, "wanna dance later?" She said....."Maybe" and then said she was tired and was gonna go home early. I didn't say anything. I just handed her another note and she took it and held it to her breast next to her beer bottle. I turned and walked out the bar. I wasn't gonna wait around for a "maybe". The note just said i thought she was kool and i had fun dancing with her and i said don't be a stranger - keep in touch. Gave my email and said she could write or text. I haven't heard a word and it's another wk. I plan on staying away for two wks and then going there with a female friend and dancing and dress sexy and hope she notices me. I won't go up to HER anymore. I can't. So when she grabbed my hand what did that mean? Oh, and i forgot to say, that the first wk i was at that new bar i was in the back room with some friends smoking and out of the corner of my eye i saw her like LURKING in the corner smoking and watching me. Does she like me? Is she playing hard to get? Why doesn't she just text and say not interested? Or instead of saying maybe she could have said she was WITH someone.....???
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LeFemme Fallout
8/3/2014 08:51:25 am
Welp, this just helped me with a beautiful butch that ive been heels over head with for months:) she does 13/15. But like one question, she mentions a lot about her ex and how they arent dating anymore (tell sign i know) but she tends to bring up sleeping with random chicks in a bragging way. Is she trying to make me jealous? Cause like im totally new to liking girls and with guys its normally that way. But i dont want to read too much into it ya know?
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Sam
8/15/2014 10:25:29 am
Butches make me sooooooo horny that even saying "butch" makes me feel a strange feel in all my skin. The sexiest kind of people.
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Sung
8/15/2015 03:45:02 am
Do you? Are you femme?
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Shaz
12/22/2015 04:36:37 pm
Yeah i'm butch and there's this femme i've been crushing on but i'm really shy and everytime we're in the same group i just ignore her like totally which is really lame. Sigh
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2nd attempt
4/14/2016 10:29:58 pm
Is anyone still out there? I know this blog is old bit I'm intrigued. I'm a femme butch totally attracted to butches and am meeting one tonight after a strenuous attempt at getting her stubborn and shy ass to agree. I don't want to mess this uo! Help! Need to know what to do and not to do!!!!
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jane
8/26/2016 06:04:50 pm
Wish I had seen this earlier, but here's some advice, even though it's months late but someone may find it useful. Whether you are butch or femme, it's important to just be yourself, and be genuine. It will make you more comfortable which in turn will put your date at ease.
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Knichols
7/24/2017 02:05:32 am
I don't know butch, soft butch femme whatever the Cromwell said sounds like the ideal partner.
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Angelina
3/14/2018 04:51:50 pm
So I like this girl, shes a stud or butch as you say. I think I love her though. Shes also the first girl i´ve ever liked. She just makes me feel this type of way and I can never stop thinking about her. Sad to say though, she has a girlfriend. Her girlfriend is so mean to her though so I don´t understand why she likes her so much. I told her I liked her though and she said ¨we´ll see how things go¨. Is that a sign that I might have a chance or that I have absolutely no chance? I need help, I think I love her...
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femmegirl9111968
11/8/2018 01:50:40 am
I am crushing on, courting with a butch who has bottom tendencies. My experience with woman is small in mutual please. my previous 5 yr relationship was with a touch me not. Strap on...fingering...giving face. She is also far more out there than me. I am so nervous. What if I dont measure up. I like her a lot. But my experience level is no where near hers. could this be a deal breaker? help
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Femme
1/15/2019 09:08:11 pm
I really really like a butch..
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steph
3/29/2019 10:09:06 pm
i'm a bisexual femme, and i'm really interested with this girl in my college. i used to make eye contact with her and she would always stare back at me.
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Marie
6/15/2019 10:30:05 pm
So when i went to the straight bar with a straight female friend there was this cute girl there who kept staring at my friend. My friend turns to me and says "Why does that girl keep staring at me???" It was so funny. My straight friend had NO clue that the girl was a lesbian. I didn't tell her. I assumed it though. My straight friend doesn't know that i am bi sexual. I told her i was attracted to a guy there, but i never told her it was a woman. I even made up a name "Dennis". She keeps looking for this guy - "Is that him?" I just say can't tell ya cuz you might go up to him and embarrass me. Hah. She even saw me dancing with the Butch and still she never suspected!! Ha ha.
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