How I Came Out to My Mom

5/13/2013

I'm lucky enough to have a fabulous relationship with my mom. We don't always perfectly understand each other, but we know each other better than almost anyone else knows us. And I really wish I could be celebrating Mothers' Day with her today (albeit one of those arbitrary holidays that we celebrate largely because Hallmark tells us to--but that doesn't change the fact that it's a day we all think about moms).

Anyway, in honor of Mothers' Day, I thought I'd combine Butch Wonders themes with mothering and pose the following questions to readers:

When you were a kid, did you think you'd be a mom?
Where were you when you came out to your mom (if you're out)?
What are two major traits you and your mom share?
What's something your mom taught you?
Name a mom you wish you could be with today (besides your own).

I'll go first.

No way! I wanted--maybe, at the most--to be a dad. To me, this meant going to work all day and not being involved in childcare.
At a PF Chang's. We were out to lunch and I said, "Mom, I have something to tell you." And then I burst into tears right in the middle of P.F. Chang's. My mom asked, "Are you okay? Are you going to die? Do you have cancer?" I shook my head. "Is someone you love or I love about to die?" I shook my head again. She said, "Well, then whatever it is, it'll be okay." Then we ate lemon chicken. I think it took her some time to accept my sexual orientation, and maybe a little longer than that to accept my butchiness. I guess "process" is a better word than "accept," because I've never felt "unaccepted" by my mom. And I've never regretted not being open as my "whole" self to her. After all, she's the one who taught me that it was not only okay but great(!) to be quirky and different from all the other kids.
Tenacity and creativity.
The importance of being a surVIVor, as she says--meaning persevering in the face of adversity. When life throws her lemons, my mom does not get discouraged, nor does she "make lemonade." Instead, she catches the lemons and stacks them into a pile, then uses the pile to get somewhere she'd rather be. Or she, like, makes a car out of lemons and drives away. She is pretty darned awesome.
My mom's mom. She died many years ago. I still think about her a lot. She was an amazing, philosophical, totally self-made woman.

How about you, dear readers? What are your answers to some of these questions?

13 Comments

Whitney Lauren

5/12/2013 09:01:50 am

When you were a kid, did you think you'd be a mom?
Nope. Not at all. Still don't. I like kids, specifically empowering young girls, but don't want any of my own.

Where were you when you came out to your mom (if you're out)?
At home on the couch with a typed letter because I wanted to make sure I told her and not chicken out.

What are two major traits you and your mom share?
Empathy and a goofy side

What's something your mom taught you?
I'm stronger than I think I am. Even at my lowest, I keep trying.

Name a mom you wish you could be with today (besides your own).
My grandma who passed. She gave the best hugs.

Roxi link

5/12/2013 09:04:11 am

Terrific post! :-) Hope you're having a great day and thanks for all you post here on your blog, it is very informative and fun to follow!

When you were a kid, did you think you'd be a mom?
Answer: I did, only because that's what I was raised to believe. I did in fact have a son who passed when he was only 4 years old, but I believe I would've made a terrific mom had given the chance ;-)

Where were you when you came out to your mom (if you're out)?
Answer: Was in my parents living room... said I need to tell you guys something. They said what? I said, I'm a lesbian. They said tell us something we didn't already know! hahahaha! They were totally cool about it.

What are two major traits you and your mom share?
Answer: Tenacity to get through any difficulties in life and our grasp for spoken and written language and ablility to communicate.

What's something your mom taught you?
Answer: Never.. ever.. ever give up! You are stronger than you realize.

Name a mom you wish you could be with today (besides your own).
Answer: My grandmother. I miss her immensely and she was also very supportive of my decisions.

Ms.M

5/12/2013 10:42:00 am

When you were a kid, did you think you'd be a mom? I was unsure I knew I was gay and didn't know how that would work so I always planned on adopting.
Where were you when you came out to your mom (if you're out)? Well I had to do it twice...she ignored it for many years. Tje first time I was 15 and someone else outed me, we never talked about it again. The 2nd time ironically she was in my closet doing spring cleaning. I was in my early 20's and said "Mom, you still love me even though I'm gay right?" she said yes and then later while shopping held up a sign that said "Don't let the cat out of the bag" ask if I wanted one. I proceeded to inquire if she had taken up recreational drug use between the closet and the store.

What are two major traits you and your mom share? Big hearts, We aren't very much a like at all but we both are very kind people and love 70's-80's music for our road trips.
What's something your mom taught you? To be kind
Name a mom you wish you could be with today (besides your own). Angelina Jolie, what a cool mom and advocate.

Charlie link

5/12/2013 11:56:20 am

1)Nope--my obgyn, followed by a second opinion from a referred endocrinologist, said my hormones were messed up and I may never (at most a much harder to) concieve.
2) Home--came out Valentine's Day, 2012.
3) Short temper and inability to stay connected with family (No we are not close at all.
4) I keep my temper and biases in check.
5) A friend's mom who passed away years ago before I met my friend.

Anaithnide link

5/12/2013 12:36:07 pm

1. No, I've never liked children. It wasn't until my partner and I started dating my current partner eighteen months ago that I ever wanted children at all, and I still feel I would be more comfortable being the partner that didn't give birth to our kid.
2. My mum lives overseas, so I came out when I started dating girlfriend and told my mum on Skype, and she was just like "oh, okay, is she nice?", and that was pretty much the entire process.
3. Not being able to say no to things and caring about the small things.
4. The ability to see good things in people, no matter how hard it is. I was going to put this as an ability that we shared, but I just realised that she probably taught me how to do that. And I love her for it.
5. My dad's mum. She died before I came out and I always wish I could have told her, because I'm totally convinced she would have had some awesome wise-crack to make about it, because she always had something smart and witty to say about everything.

Catmo

5/12/2013 07:39:22 pm

I love this sh*t. Takes me down memory lane :)

Did I want kids? Yep, three boys, I even had their names picked out by the time I was five. I still love kids, would have loved to have been a parent, and I say parent, because I never ever felt girly. I was always the dad when we played house. And I was never sure on the whole birthing aspect. In fact wanting kids, I'm pretty sure is why I didn't come out till much later, Denial.

Where did you come out? My Mom's kitchen. My GF called, Mom answered the phone, and asked me who the hell Terry was? I had been dreading this moment, but knew I had to tell her.. of course as soon as I explained, she ran to the other side of the kitchen "eeww eewwing and gross grossing", as though I were covered in maggots. I was confused, so I said " don't worry Mom, it's not like you're my type", it's not like i'm going to hit one you? She replied by throwing a frying pan at my head! We get along very well these days, but she too is more disturbed with my butchness, than the gay thing. However, she has been overheard on several occasions telling people I am her OTHER son! What a goof ball.

3. Traits: Artistic ability, and an absolute intolerance for drama.

4 Lessons: My work ethic. Mom was a single parent of four with no financial support. She put herself through beauty school and ran a shop out of the house, so she could be home. It was a difficult childhood at best, for her and us kids. We scraped by a lot and went without often. But she never gave up. The harder things got, the harder she fought. Watching her work so hard and often too hard, I learned an excellent work ethic. But unfortunately I also learned to NOT make money such a priority. I haven't always made the best financial career choices. But I can always say I'm proud of what I do.

Another Mother? My Grandmothers were notorious B****'s. But I had a lot of substitute Grandmas ( Mom's Friday clients..ahem the "blue hair" set and curl crowd, Sooo I'd have to say Harriet, Betty, Gussy oh hell, I miss them all!

Happy Mothers day EVERYONE.

Arwyn

5/13/2013 02:47:30 am

I'll answer number two, because my mom's response epitomizes everything that is hilarious and awesome about my mom.

I was a teenager, sitting on the phone with my bestie Jen with my mom in the kitchen while she cooked dinner. Jen was asking me when I was going to come out to my mom, and I told her I wasn't sure. But then a few minutes later with no thought at all, Jen still on the other line, I turned to my mom and said, "Hey, mom, what would you say if I told you I was going to start dating girls instead of guys?"

Without missing a beat she shrugged and replied, "As long as it doesn't cost me any more money than your dating guys, I don't really care."

Jen and I laughed hysterically for about five minutes then got back to talking about girls, this time without having to speak in code.

Lexie C

5/13/2013 03:31:36 am

A day late on this, but wanted to chime in anyway :)

1. Not really, I hated babysitting (did a lot of it). I really didn't think I would end up with 4 kids!

2. I never came out to my mom- she passed away 6 months ago so I guess I missed that opportunity. However, my daughter came out to me and I shocked her socks off by hugging her and coming out to her.

3. Compassion and love of crafts/art

4. Hope and faith

5. I'd love to visit with my mother-in-law. She passed away about 6 years ago.

I don't often comment here, but I love reading your blog! Keep up the awesome work :)

Lex

Helen link

5/13/2013 05:48:12 pm

1) yes, so far i'm not, but i've still got time
2) i didn't, not that i'm not out, more that my kid sister told my mum
3) dna, appearance, the ability to make excuses to not do what we should be doing
4) what not to do
5) Jo (my mrs, she's a mum)

Amy

5/13/2013 11:49:46 pm

1 I wasn't sure. I'm more sure now & have not given up on having just one.

2 I came out to her in a cafe where I took her out to lunch after putting it off for as long as I could. I knew she would freak out... & she cried & freaked out, hence my hesitation. She would freak out even more when she met my butch girlfriend of the time a few weeks later lol.

3 A perfectionist streak (unfortunately) & artistic talents.

4 Tenacity, not giving up things you really want to achieve.

5 My paternal grandma. I was her only grand daughter & the first girl born bearing my father's name in 5 generations! I could do no wrong & was highly valued.

Sine Nomine

5/14/2013 02:18:36 am

People are still doing this so I might as well too.

1. No,I didn't want kids and didn't picture myself with any.
2. No idea. Last summer she said she told one of my sister's friends,- who is gay and worried that he and/or any of his partners might not be welcome in our family because of it -, about me. Apparently, however, she already figured it out before I told her during my college years. I don't have a coming out story, I have a finding out that I already came out story.
3 Is being short a major trait? Stubbornness and protectiveness.
4 How to tell when someone is telling the literal truth but in a way that implies a lie. She was very good at doing this when she wasn't outright lying. Maybe I didn't come out and she just said I had as a cover story...
5. My mom's mom.

Ang link

5/17/2013 07:07:11 am

I always wanted to be a mum. It was never a question of if more when. An excellent sex education and an early realisation that boys weren't my thing prevented the teenage pregnancy my parents were rather nervous about. Mind you a 20 my gf had a daughter and 13 years later im now pregnant with our 5th.

2. I sat on the end of her bed at 18 and told her I was gay.
She admitted she has figured it out for herself as my previous gf spent every weekend in my room and I went to all her cricket games.
Unfortunately she then told dad and I had to move out 3 days later.

3. We are both generous to the point of slightly stupid and love having our families around us and feeding them.

4.She taught me to ask 'whats the worst possible thing that can happen'. It has taken me a long way and also go me in a lot trouble

5.I would love to see my grandmas again. One was the nicest person the other the most feisty. I who love to know what made them that way.

Lesbianne Free link

6/3/2013 10:36:53 am

1. Yes I was raised in a very small village - homogenized I would say, at least by appearances. My high school had 250 students. Though I wanted to go to college, there was no encouragement for that. Traditionally I only saw married couples with children. Most of the girls that graduated from my high school got married at 18. I did not want to do that, but I did expect to marry a man, have several children, and live a traditional life. I am so thankful my path took me in different directions.

2.Oh, my! My family being who they were, and my religious upbringing being fundamentalist, right wing, fire and brimstone teachings, similar to "Southern Baptist", I was terrified to come out to my mom, so I wrote her a letter. She did not speak to me for a long time. She "tolerates" it now, she does not believe I am a lesbian - she says because I was abused by men I turned to women when a very strong woman older than I lead me astray.

3.Voice, body shape.

4.My mom taught me to cook and bake, which I do very little of now.

5.My maternal Grandmother; for all her ways of being strict and judgmental of me, I always knew she loved me. She made it very clear is so many ways. Unlike my mother, she enjoyed spending time with me and having fun times together. She was quick to laugh and she and my grandfather's love for me probably kept me going; and still does in many ways.

I really enjoyed this blog post, the questions made me think and reminded me of the post I wanted to write for Mother's Day, myself.
Thank you, BW. I am glad this butch, meaning you, "wonders".

How I Came Out to My Mom

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