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How to Handle Femmes

8/16/2014

7 Comments

 

Several readers have written to me recently asking me to write a post on how to "handle" femmes.  I'm not typically attracted to femmes myself, but I've dated a few (and have hosted a guest post about mistakes butches make in butch-femme relationships).

My take is this: the problem is the question. 

Femmes aren't something to be "dealt with;" they're individual people to be understood and communicated with.  Thinking about things in your girlfriend that you don't understand as "femme characteristics" rather than as the characteristics of a particular partner or individual is not a good place to start.

Second--and I'm only talking to female-identified butches here--it creates this dichotomous idea that you are the masculine one and they are the feminine one.  Yes, I know you like the butch-femme dynamic--presumably, so does your femme partner.  But you are a woman.  Chances are, this is part of the reason they're with you and not with a man.  Acting like they are the "crazy, emotional, typical" woman implicitly puts you in the role of the "sensible man."  That is too straight, dude.  Way too straight.  It sails right past the butch-femme dynamic and lands in the heteronormativity bucket.

Complaining about "dealing" with femmes makes you sound like one of those irritating Men's Health headlines (e.g., "Why Don't Women Just Say What They Mean?").  Newsflash: no one says what they mean.  And we are all emotional.  We just express these things in different ways.  It's a bad idea to talk about your relationship in a way that makes you sound like a bro (again, unless your identity is consistent with bro-dom, in which case, go for it). 







7 Comments
Tiana
8/16/2014 05:51:49 am

This is great! :)

Reply
butchboi
8/16/2014 06:15:32 am

thanks for writing this!

Reply
Charlie link
8/16/2014 09:46:03 am

I just don't date women anymore. Never slept with one, but while good as friends, and am still attracted to them, dating is much more complicated with a woman than another guy. And while women are attractive...they are till the idea of sleeping hits, which is gross to me.

But, yes, the problem lies in the question. Ask how you want the relationship to go. What is so wrong with communication?

Reply
Shae link
8/17/2014 01:06:28 am

Exactly! Women are not to be handled. The misogynistic view of women by other women identified butches is a huge problem. Women keep being viewed as weak and less than. It shows when femmes wear "girly" clothes. They are treated as less than, often ignored for the butch in the relationship. Your post was right on the money. The "butch is seen as the "sensible man"" is exactly what happens. Thank you!

Reply
Brooke
8/18/2014 12:05:13 pm

This is why some femmes don't date butches. Who wants to be handled !?! I am attracted to butches but I don't date them . I date other femmes because I don't like being talked down too. I know that all butches are not like that but most are where I live. I prefer to be treated like a equal not better not worse just equal .

Reply
Rachel
8/21/2014 01:22:20 am

Thank you for pointing out the gender essentialism and misogyny this question reveals. I'm a femme who's been told by a more masculine woman, "you don't have to be smart, you're pretty." I'm both actually, and her comment revealed her sexism and deep insecurity with my intelligence. To the readers who want to know how to, "handle" any other human, I suggest they read a book. They could stay with bell hooks easy breakdown on feminism and work from there.

Reply
nika
10/3/2014 12:16:16 am

I have only been out for a few years and have always dated studs/ags/butch type. recently met a femme woman to whom I am deeply attracted to and am considering pursuing a relationship with her. What is the protocol? I identify as an aggressive femme but am girly by all appearances.

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