How to Tip Like a (Butch) Boss

Butches aren't the only ones who dole out gratuities, of course but since we all aspire to be paragons of mannerly charm (RIGHT??), let's make sure we do it correctly.

Tipping practices vary throughout the world; I'll focus on the US and let my international readers weigh in about customs elsewhere.

1. Situations where you'll look like a jerk if you don't tip:

• At bars: $1 per beer/wine; $2 for a fancy drink.  Or if you're paying with a credit card, 15-20% is fine.
  
• At restaurants: 15-20% is standard.  People vary on whether this is pre-tax or post-tax.  I insist it's the latter, but my DGF says I overtip.
• At a haircut: 15-20% is normal. 
  
• After a massage: Most people give a solid 20% for a massage, though I have no idea why this should be different from a haircut.
  
• When a parking valet gets your car for you: I've seen people go as low as $1 and as high as $5.  I usually do $3.
• Hotel maid or housekeeper: $2 per night, plus $1 for each additional person.  (I actually didn't know this one for a loooong time, but in my  defense, I almost never have people make up my room.)
• At the end of a cab ride: 10-15% of the total fare.  Like restaurant servers, they especially appreciate tips in cash.
• Tattoo artists: 15-20%, assuming they didn't spell your girlfriend's name wrong.
• Food delivery person: $2-4 (optional if there's a delivery charge).
• House cleaner: $10 per cleaning is good.
  

2. Situations in which tipping is optional:

• A coffee shop tip jar: If they are really nice, cheerfully answering your pain-in-the-ass questions about the origin of the chocolate in the mocha, put in a buck.  If they're passably pleasant, I usually put in my change.  But you're certainly not obligated.
• At the dry cleaner: It's unusual to tip in cash there, but if you have a miracle-performing dry cleaner who gets BBQ sauce out of your $500 Robert Graham shirt, a bottle of wine is nice.
• At buffets: Particularly if someone takes your drink order, $1 per person at the table.
• Babysitters: Most people don't tip sitters (though in my book, tipping someone who takes care of your kids isn't a bad idea).  But most people do round up to the nearest $5 or $10--e.g., if the tab is $38, pay $40.
  
• When you drop off your car with a parking valet: Not necessary, but a good idea if you'll need your car in a hurry (a tip will often give you a good/close parking spot, making your car easy to retrieve).
• Movers: If you hire people to help you move, and they don't break anything, consider handing each mover $20 at the end of the job.
  

3. Situations in which you should really not tip:

• At a movie theater
• Your doctor or therapist's office
• After a really good date
• Paying your phone bill
  
• When you are stopped for speeding
  

Bonus Q&A Tipping Tips:

Q: What if my server sucks, gets my order wrong, is rude, etc?
A: Suck it up and give the lowest polite amount possible, which is 15% of the bill's total before tax.  A few reasons for this: (1) You don't know why they're lousy.  Maybe it's their first day.  Maybe their dog was just diagnosed with terminal liver cancer.  Who knows.  (2) If you stiff the server, you're also stiffing everyone with whom the server shares tips: hostess, busboy, etc.

Q: So if I use a coupon, I still just tip on the total bill, right?
A: No!  You tip on the full amount, as if there was no discount.   

Q: So if I get something suuuper cheap, I still just tip 15-20%, right?
A: Technically, I guess you're justified.  But if you order less than other tables, add a few extra bucks.  If I go to a busy cafe at lunchtime and take up a whole table just to drink coffee, I'll usually leave $5.

What other questions do you have about tipping?  Any awkward tipping situations/stories you'd like to share?  Put it in the comments!

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