How to Translate Butchspeak

4/14/2013

I just received a note from a reader who's having trouble communicating with her butch DGF ("dear girlfriend"). She asked if I could "translate" some common butch idioms.

One mistake many butch-lovers make is assuming that butches are just like the stereotypes they have of heterosexual men. If you Google "what men really mean," you'll find hundreds of sites purporting to explain exactly this. Let's leave aside for a moment the offensive nature of most of those articles, and assume for the sake of argument that there's some truth to them. Even so, [non-male-identified] butches are not men, and "rules" of "understanding men" apply to us only sometimes.

It's impossible to write something like this without giant, whopping dollops of stereotype. I figure I'll get flak for this, but I went ahead and made a list anyway. I'll will be interested to learn whether any of it resonates with you.

IF A BUTCH SAYS:

"Nothing is wrong."

"I guess you could invite your friends."

"Are you tired?"

"I was not checking her out."

"Nah, she's not hot."

"I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

"I'm not looking to commit."

"I'm going to go take a walk."

"Fine."

"Sarah is so cool!"

"It's more romantic with the lights off."

"We should probably get going soon."

"I'll fix it later."

A BUTCH MEANS:

"I'm not ready to discuss it."

"But I wanted it to be just you and me!"

"Are we having sex tonight?"

"I'm embarrassed--can't you give me a pass this time?"

"Maybe she's hot, but you're the one I find attractive."

"I don't want to date you (but I might sleep with you)."

It could mean exactly that, or "I'm just not that into you."

"I am mad or sad, but I have to think about it alone for a while."

"Why are we still talking about this?"

"Maybe Sarah can be our friend." (Note: this is not the same as "I want to sleep with Sarah.")

"I'm self-conscious about my body too, you know!"

"I am faint with hunger and my stomach is digesting itself."

"I have no idea how to fix it, but I'll Google it in secret."

(Writing this, I realized that while I would like to think that I'm incredibly straightforward and literal practically to a fault, that's not always true...)

How about you? Did any of these examples sound familiar? What's some other "butchspeak" that needs to be translated?

34 Comments

shesellsseashells

4/14/2013 04:07:15 am

How about:

"I'm exhausted." In response to any activity, desire for interaction or such.

"Enough queer talk." In response to sharing personal exploration.

"--Long silences--" In the car, the apartment, in a restaurant, so on.

chris

5/1/2013 02:22:44 pm

When I say I'm exhausted and we are talking about an activity means I'm to tired or not really wanting to go. Usually Because I'd rather be having sex; )

andrea

4/14/2013 04:20:29 am

cute :)

Love,Femme link

4/14/2013 06:11:47 am

I will be printing this out and hanging it up in my office, funny and so true! I may have to write a "Femmespeak" response. Thank you!

Love,
Femme

Heidi

4/14/2013 08:23:56 am

Oh PLEASE do. This is begging for a response. Also, thanks BW. This is fabulous.

4/14/2013 07:11:30 am

"I just received a note from a reader who's having trouble communicating with her butch DGF ("dear girlfriend"). She asked if I could "translate" some common butch idioms."

I like humor, but I also like good communication, and in this case I don't think either one benefits from combining it with the other in this way.

I also really hate this kind of stereotyping, and yes, consider this the expected flak. I'm especially surprised to see this kind of thing from someone who's not into butch/femme.

Butch Wonders link

4/14/2013 07:21:42 am

Point taken. But as to your very last point, I'm surprised you interpreted this as a "butch-femme" translation. I think it applies just as much in any other relationship configuration where there are butches (even in my own butch-butch relationship).

4/15/2013 02:52:34 am

Well, if this is language inherent to butch folks, why would other butch folks need a translation? It seems strange that someone in a same-gender relationship would pin misunderstandings/miscommunications on gender, especially in such a way that a translation would be useful.

It would seem a bit more understandable that someone in an opposite-gender relationship would pin these things on gender differences. But really, not always saying what we mean is just a human thing.

Jay Tilman aka boobookitty

4/14/2013 07:15:53 am

it maybe a cute cultural snapshot, but I tend to say what I really mean and talk almost every subect to near death

Elliott

4/16/2013 12:03:54 am

Word, Jay. There are strong silent men and strong silent butches. Luckily, there are also the rest of us!

annelwing

4/14/2013 07:37:36 am

Actually there really are words and phrases in the LGBT community online that are incomprehensible by this older lesbian. Wish I could think of some now, but LGBT communication has come a long way, baby, and I think I need a crash course. Of course, clear communication is always a goal of mine regardless of role, gender type, etc, and I tend to get along okay by asking for clarification of the speaker if I don't understand.
This article written by "Butch Wonders" a wonderful butch writer and blogger - not into "butch/femme'? There may be something underneath that comment I don't get and don't want to - it is okay.
Personally I trust my favorite Butch writers and also Femme writers to help me with translations, and to name two would be -ButchWonders and ButchOnTap - there are others but as they are not openly publishing I will leave them out.
Thank you, BW, I enjoyed this light piece and a few gave me giggles from past experiences. So keep on keeping on with what you do so well. Anne

FemOutLoud link

4/14/2013 09:27:46 pm

Yes, Anne, your first two sentences exactly! There have been times I've read my Twitter feed with Urban Dictionary open in another tab.

And I love it that LGBTQ culture has come so far that its language has shifted; it makes me happy beyond measure that young people coming out today don't face the world of my childhood, and that the next generation is poised for "coming out" to be almost a non-issue in a few areas.

4/14/2013 11:45:19 pm

Urban Dictionary?! thanks for the heads up - will obtain!

ChrisCQC link

4/15/2013 02:19:36 pm

You didn't tell her what Urban Dictionary was! That's, um, kind of cruel.

4/15/2013 02:40:09 am

"This article written by "Butch Wonders" a wonderful butch writer and blogger - not into "butch/femme'? There may be something underneath that comment I don't get and don't want to - it is okay."

Do you realize that not every butch person is into butch/femme? Or is that the something you don't want to get? Butch Wonders has mentioned more than once that she dates other butch folks.

4/15/2013 08:35:16 am

M - thanks for your reply and offering me an opportunity to communicate more clearly.

Yes, I am aware of many combinations of pairings of labeled and unlabeled lesbians. Yay to diversity!

" I'm especially surprised to see this kind of thing from someone who's not into butch/femme."

I mistook this to mean that you were implying the writer wasn't into roles. (When she clearly defines herself by her blog name)
I've seen Butch/Femme paired off this way so commonly I really didn't give that focus.

I've only recently started reading Butch Wonders blog and enjoy it thoroughly - haven't yet read about her relationship choices.

That second sentence was not well worded and my meaning is that there may be more to that comment than I know about , considering I'm new to this blog and there might be history i don't know about. - Don't Want To Know is my bow to allowing for not needing to know everything that might be going on under the surface.

Hope that helps - it was meant to be taken lightly and think this is about the best I can do with it. Anne

4/15/2013 08:35:23 am

4/15/2013 08:35:32 am

4/23/2013 05:52:34 am

good grief - why did my second response publish itself three times - apologize for taking so much space - don't know how to remove it - BW can you remove two of those?
Anne

catmo

4/14/2013 08:32:14 am

I think I speak VERY clearly, and I certainly say what I mean. No matter, I always seem to be in the hot seat? You ought to accompany this with a femme comprehension list! Or just "partner to a Butch comprehension list?"
Fun stuff, ya'll let your guards down a bit, eh? Have some fun. this was obvious a LIGHT subject. peace. TY, BW.

bookish butch link

4/14/2013 09:43:31 am

Personally I'm a 'talker' butch but, when I'm very angry I clam up, I recognize myself in a lot of this. All in good fun, gutsy of you BW and funny is funny.

Mhian link

4/14/2013 11:07:01 am

I've said every one of those phrases as a femme and meant the exact butch translation. Maybe relationship talk is just universal!

Kari Cunningham

4/14/2013 01:25:40 pm

Thanks, I had a great laugh and now I have placed a copy of this where my spouse can see it, it might save me explaining the next time... lol

4/14/2013 09:33:09 pm

Thank you, BW--I liked this article! Ignore most of the flak; you said you're speaking from your own experience, and admitted the necessary stereotyping up front, so the only possible criticism remaining is for anyone to suggest you shouldn't have written it at all--and I disagree with that opinion. ;)

I'm a femme with a butch partner, and I loved this in spite of the fact that my own girlfriend fits other communication stereotypes better than these; you never claimed it fit everyone. (Her first language is Spanish, and her cultural models are Puerto Rican, which apparently have a bigger impact on her communication style than does being a butch lesbian.)

Thank you for writing it! :)

Toni D

4/15/2013 03:10:54 am

Upon reading your list, I found that I have used or probably would use 8 of the 13 on the list....I have been conscientiously working on clearer, better communication with my partner. It is easy though, on ocassion, to fall back into the old habit. Maybe our friend ButchOnTap would agree: It's Butch to say what you mean. Be butch.

Searching4Self

4/15/2013 11:38:00 am

Hilarious. Thanks for taking the risk, BW! Fun!

4/16/2013 12:51:51 am

Humorous!!!! My last two gf's just thought I was emotionally unavailable. Ok, maybe a little. Poor communication skills, yes, that too. Butch, yep. I'm working on it! ;o)

Adam_S

4/18/2013 03:50:35 am

Um, no offense here, but if you remove "her" and substitute him (or leave her in there), most of this applies to ALL relationships, or at least, being a straight dude reading this, it applies heavily to my relations with my girlfriend. Not trying to fart at the opera or anything, just saying, this sort of communication code is pretty universal.

Heather link

4/21/2013 05:34:08 am

As always, BW, it is great to read your translations/ perspective! You keep things fun and light and I know when I come to your blog I'm in for a little education as well as a good laugh!

Elizabeth

4/23/2013 05:35:42 am

Oh, yes. Once again you've got me pegged! I communicate more clearly now, after more than 20 years with my DGF, than I used to, but this was definitely me before she got me trained.

Whitney

5/1/2013 11:17:32 am

After sending my butch girlfriend a link to the post after discussing my newness to the butch world she then says "did it tell you that its the 4th quarter = you know I love you but can't talk now ?

Michelle

5/7/2013 01:59:05 am

This is very fun and humorous and I am sure that is what it is meant to be. I will definitely be sharing this with my femme girlfriend and I am sure she will get a good laugh :)

Mainely Butch link

5/16/2013 06:46:43 am

Very good! I enjoyed this and tweeted it!

SashaQ

7/23/2013 03:40:26 am

"We should probably get going soon." =
"I am faint with hunger and my stomach is digesting itself."

Hahaha - how true and how eloquently put in the translation!

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How to Translate Butchspeak

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