I just received a note from a reader who's having trouble communicating with her butch DGF ("dear girlfriend"). She asked if I could "translate" some common butch idioms. One mistake many butch-lovers make is assuming that butches are just like the stereotypes they have of heterosexual men. If you Google "what men really mean," you'll find hundreds of sites purporting to explain exactly this. Let's leave aside for a moment the offensive nature of most of those articles, and assume for the sake of argument that there's some truth to them. Even so, [non-male-identified] butches are not men, and "rules" of "understanding men" apply to us only sometimes. It's impossible to write something like this without giant, whopping dollops of stereotype. I figure I'll get flak for this, but I went ahead and made a list anyway. I'll will be interested to learn whether any of it resonates with you.
(Writing this, I realized that while I would like to think that I'm incredibly straightforward and literal practically to a fault, that's not always true...) How about you? Did any of these examples sound familiar? What's some other "butchspeak" that needs to be translated?
34 Comments
shesellsseashells
4/14/2013 04:07:15 am
How about:
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chris
5/1/2013 02:22:44 pm
When I say I'm exhausted and we are talking about an activity means I'm to tired or not really wanting to go. Usually Because I'd rather be having sex; )
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andrea
4/14/2013 04:20:29 am
cute :)
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4/14/2013 06:11:47 am
I will be printing this out and hanging it up in my office, funny and so true! I may have to write a "Femmespeak" response. Thank you!
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Heidi
4/14/2013 08:23:56 am
Oh PLEASE do. This is begging for a response. Also, thanks BW. This is fabulous.
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M
4/14/2013 07:11:30 am
"I just received a note from a reader who's having trouble communicating with her butch DGF ("dear girlfriend"). She asked if I could "translate" some common butch idioms."
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4/14/2013 07:21:42 am
Point taken. But as to your very last point, I'm surprised you interpreted this as a "butch-femme" translation. I think it applies just as much in any other relationship configuration where there are butches (even in my own butch-butch relationship).
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M
4/15/2013 02:52:34 am
Well, if this is language inherent to butch folks, why would other butch folks need a translation? It seems strange that someone in a same-gender relationship would pin misunderstandings/miscommunications on gender, especially in such a way that a translation would be useful.
Jay Tilman aka boobookitty
4/14/2013 07:15:53 am
it maybe a cute cultural snapshot, but I tend to say what I really mean and talk almost every subect to near death
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Elliott
4/16/2013 12:03:54 am
Word, Jay. There are strong silent men and strong silent butches. Luckily, there are also the rest of us!
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annelwing
4/14/2013 07:37:36 am
Actually there really are words and phrases in the LGBT community online that are incomprehensible by this older lesbian. Wish I could think of some now, but LGBT communication has come a long way, baby, and I think I need a crash course. Of course, clear communication is always a goal of mine regardless of role, gender type, etc, and I tend to get along okay by asking for clarification of the speaker if I don't understand.
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4/14/2013 09:27:46 pm
Yes, Anne, your first two sentences exactly! There have been times I've read my Twitter feed with Urban Dictionary open in another tab.
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annelwing
4/14/2013 11:45:19 pm
Urban Dictionary?! thanks for the heads up - will obtain!
M
4/15/2013 02:40:09 am
"This article written by "Butch Wonders" a wonderful butch writer and blogger - not into "butch/femme'? There may be something underneath that comment I don't get and don't want to - it is okay."
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annelwing
4/15/2013 08:35:16 am
M - thanks for your reply and offering me an opportunity to communicate more clearly.
annelwing
4/15/2013 08:35:23 am
M - thanks for your reply and offering me an opportunity to communicate more clearly.
annelwing
4/15/2013 08:35:32 am
M - thanks for your reply and offering me an opportunity to communicate more clearly.
annelwing
4/23/2013 05:52:34 am
good grief - why did my second response publish itself three times - apologize for taking so much space - don't know how to remove it - BW can you remove two of those?
catmo
4/14/2013 08:32:14 am
I think I speak VERY clearly, and I certainly say what I mean. No matter, I always seem to be in the hot seat? You ought to accompany this with a femme comprehension list! Or just "partner to a Butch comprehension list?"
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4/14/2013 09:43:31 am
Personally I'm a 'talker' butch but, when I'm very angry I clam up, I recognize myself in a lot of this. All in good fun, gutsy of you BW and funny is funny.
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Kari Cunningham
4/14/2013 01:25:40 pm
Thanks, I had a great laugh and now I have placed a copy of this where my spouse can see it, it might save me explaining the next time... lol
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4/14/2013 09:33:09 pm
Thank you, BW--I liked this article! Ignore most of the flak; you said you're speaking from your own experience, and admitted the necessary stereotyping up front, so the only possible criticism remaining is for anyone to suggest you shouldn't have written it at all--and I disagree with that opinion. ;)
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Toni D
4/15/2013 03:10:54 am
Upon reading your list, I found that I have used or probably would use 8 of the 13 on the list....I have been conscientiously working on clearer, better communication with my partner. It is easy though, on ocassion, to fall back into the old habit. Maybe our friend ButchOnTap would agree: It's Butch to say what you mean. Be butch.
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Searching4Self
4/15/2013 11:38:00 am
Hilarious. Thanks for taking the risk, BW! Fun!
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KC
4/16/2013 12:51:51 am
Humorous!!!! My last two gf's just thought I was emotionally unavailable. Ok, maybe a little. Poor communication skills, yes, that too. Butch, yep. I'm working on it! ;o)
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Adam_S
4/18/2013 03:50:35 am
Um, no offense here, but if you remove "her" and substitute him (or leave her in there), most of this applies to ALL relationships, or at least, being a straight dude reading this, it applies heavily to my relations with my girlfriend. Not trying to fart at the opera or anything, just saying, this sort of communication code is pretty universal.
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Elizabeth
4/23/2013 05:35:42 am
Oh, yes. Once again you've got me pegged! I communicate more clearly now, after more than 20 years with my DGF, than I used to, but this was definitely me before she got me trained.
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Whitney
5/1/2013 11:17:32 am
After sending my butch girlfriend a link to the post after discussing my newness to the butch world she then says "did it tell you that its the 4th quarter = you know I love you but can't talk now ?
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Michelle
5/7/2013 01:59:05 am
This is very fun and humorous and I am sure that is what it is meant to be. I will definitely be sharing this with my femme girlfriend and I am sure she will get a good laugh :)
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SashaQ
7/23/2013 03:40:26 am
"We should probably get going soon." =
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