Howdy, Partner

12/8/2011

I have a pet peeve: straight people who are married but nonetheless use the word "partner" rather than "husband," "wife," or "spouse." I'm not talking about the abstract sense, in which one says, "People should support their partners." I appreciate this looser, gender-inspecific term. Nor am I talking about people or couples with whom I am close friends and know that they use "partner" in all circumstances as a symbol of their commitment to marriage and/or gender equality. I'm talking about people I meet at a conference or know through work, and we are merely acquaintances and I'd have no idea if said person and his or her "partner" are legally married.

Reasons this bothers me:

"Partner" with convoluted sentences to avoid pronouns makes me think you're gay. Are you doing this on purpose? Then when I use the wrong pronoun for your partner, I feel like the idiot. If you use "partner," follow it with a pronoun to clue me in.
You took advantage of the privileges of marriage at a time when gay people can't marry. Fine. I understand that. It's your choice, and I won't judge it. In fact, I did the same thing back when I was a wee straight lass. But OWN it.

I especially hate when people use "partner" in front of gay people, but "wife" or "husband" when they're with family or straight friends, it bugs me. If you want to adopt the term "partner" full-time, awesome. But you do not, I feel, get to have it both ways: happily traditional at Thanksgiving dinner with grandma but tolerant and sensitive around the lesbo at work.

Yes, it's all a little irrational of me. But when I get to know a straight couple, and they use the term "partner" all the time, and then later I find out that they're actually married, it bugs me. It's as if they were hiding their traditional selves to spare my feelings or pretend to be politically correct.

I feel an asshole for writing this post, because:

I know a lot of people who use "partner" have good intentions. They read me as a lesbian, and they're trying to be gay-friendly.
People can call their spouses whatever they want to, whenever they want to. Who made me the label police?

I guess "partner" bothers me because it can seem so inauthentic sometimes. Am I the only one who feels this way? What do you think, dear readers?

31 Comments

Shannon

12/8/2011 01:43:39 am

It doesn't bother me. We are fighting for equality to marry. Why should giving the equality of calling their wife/husband a partner bother us? Perhaps they are in a poly relationship, or perhaps they too don't want labels. If I get married, being called a "wife" makes me cringe. I prefer husbutch. Each person has their own strokes...

Amy

12/8/2011 01:47:29 am

I'm gay and I don't like using the word "partner". It's not like my girlfriend and I run a business together or it's not like we're gonna rob a bank together. She's my girlfriend, not a partner. But, that's just me.

Lotusdrifter

12/8/2011 01:58:04 am

@a_hadeda wrote about this very thing two years ago or so... http://www.getyourqueeron.com/idyke/cowboys-and-lesbians

Angie

12/8/2011 01:59:48 am

The fact that someone would alter their vocabulary because I am around bothers me. Even if they are trying to be supportive, they are perpetuating the idea that we are different and unequal. I think this is the root of many things straight people do (not just this) that bothers gay people... only the straight people do not know they are doing it usually and we don't say anything because we don't want to be "assholes" about it. I say if you have the right of marriage, use the terminology associated with marriage.

Kat

12/8/2011 02:17:57 am

I personally do not like the term "partner". As Amy said, it's not a business arrangement or a P.I.C. If I have a girlfriend, I acknowledge her as such! If someone refers to myself or her as "partners", I am the first to correct them that this is my relationship, not a partnership. It's offensive, although I see the PC in the reasoning, but I'd rather people just have the balls to say it like it is over calling it what it's not.

Lisa

12/8/2011 02:35:55 am

I use the term partner because she's not my wife, and unfortunately, isn't likely to be since we don't have any marriage equality. I use it to be clear; in my world, that's the closest we're going to get -- she's more than my girlfriend, she's my partner until she's my wife. That said, I feel a bit co-opted by straight married people using the term partner. They have the option that I would like -- husband or wife. Leave my word alone -- it has a whole different meaning for me than it does for them. I hate when straight people use it -- it annoys the crap out of me.

wen

12/8/2011 02:41:56 am

It doesn't bother me -- I think most straight people I know who use it use it pretty regularly, but then again, if I'm around, it's not a totally straight affair so unless I hid and eavesdropped at some het-only event, I might never know. I also think it's way more common in the Bay Area, land of tolerant terminology.

I've been in awkward situations with people thinking a girlfriend was a business partner. "Oh, what business are you in?" "Uh, the business of being in a lesbo relationship?" Not that I said that, but I could have.

Rachel link

12/8/2011 02:49:14 am

You do have the right to be annoyed actually, its an example of hetero co-opting of queer culture. Now to be fair, I like the term and what it implies but I will use girlfriend much more frequently.. I do feel like it's more inclusive, and I don't have a problem with folk of whatever stripe choosing it and all that it implies. But if you're hetero and married and you have all the associated privileges, its pretty ballsy to jump on the partner bandwagon too.

fluffy bunny

12/8/2011 03:03:17 am

intresting topic I was with my g/f for 18 months but here is the kicker , she was still married for many personal reasons and I went with her to many Bbq and such but she was not out so the first thing many would ask what does your husband do , these people are all in the airforce and could not seems to understand that no every one married , maybe it was their way of thinking and just one look from her I could not say I was gay and in love with her, but many of them called their wife their partner, which I found weird but as always the woman sit in one area men sit over there but my point being that most people are thought to be straight ah life

bee listy link

12/8/2011 03:07:35 am

i'm totally in agreement, including the two reasons you feel like an asshole.

melissa

12/8/2011 03:30:33 am

I have a few friends who are in het relationships, but not married (for various reasons), so this is the most accurate term. I also know these same people have more than a few LGBT fils in their life and don't use out out of some distorted PC-ness.
In Ohio we are denied marriage by a constitutional amendment, but when my love got down on one knee with a ring, it was to be married. Ours will take place at our church, with friends and family, and to hell with the bigoted laws.
I guess what I am trying to get around to is that must of us use the term we feel fits us. If it is genuine, I am okay with it. I try choose which fights I need to fight. :/

Keiran

12/8/2011 03:43:56 am

Doesn't bother me at all. In fact I think it is unreasonable to expect that the word "partner" should be for the exclusive use of gays and lesbians. I don't think that if straight people use it, it means they are trying to hide anything or be "pc" around me or other gay people. Don't internalize or take offense to it, it most likely has nothing to do with you.

12/8/2011 05:10:52 am

What really irks me is when people refer to my wife as my partner. We got married in CT, and I always refer to her as my wife; but some people just automatically substitute "partner", even right after I used the term "wife".
My beef with the folks who are OK with gay civil unions, but not OK with gay marriage is that they want a monopoly on words -- so I am trying to be consistent and let go of my irritation at straights who use the term "partner".

Justa Notha link

12/8/2011 06:33:44 am

My mom calls her unmarried male spouse of over 20 years her "partner." Which has always kinda bothered me.
But on the other hand, they're not legally married, and "boyfriend" seems like a kind of juvenile term for such a committed, adult relationship. So idk what she should call him?

In fairness to my mom, she uses the term with everybody, and when asked "what kind of partner?" she replies: "in crime."

I think using "partner" to refer to an opposite gendered spouse may have less to do with trying to be "down with the gays" and more of a way for Bisexual and Queer folk to signal their identity in a relationship that creates bi-invisibility.
Just a thought.

Joslyn C

12/8/2011 10:15:22 am

So...I have a problem with the word partner, period, when marriage has already come into play.

I don't have an issue with it when two people are partnered (oheythere!) but marriage is different.

I think that the purpose of marriage is to have a husband, or wife...partner seems like it should only be used as a term for your (legally) significant other if they're gender-queer, or genderfluid, and even then, a lot of times, they prefer one over the other.

I do agree with C up there, though: once my girlfriend and I get married, if I refer to her as my wife and someone else keeps calling her my partner, I'd be deeply offended. I feel like that's just a way to belittle the relationship that two GLOW people have together.

Edison link

12/8/2011 11:19:51 am

I use the terms partner and husband about equally. I don't do it to not 'own' being married I do it because we were partners long before we were married and it is natural for me. I do want to be very clear on one point you mentioned- I do not modify my wording if I am speaking to someone that is het, gay, queer or any other identification/ orientation- it's the same across the board. I feel that every healthy relationship is an equal partnership so perhaps this is why I flow back and forth between the two words without it being a conscious word choice.

I am queer and our relationship is open though I'm not sure how much bearing that has, if any, on the words I'm most comfortable with. I am very much a 'to each their own' kind of person so I'm fine with whatever relationship signifier(s) folks feel most comfortable using.

no shit

12/8/2011 11:53:04 am

i fucking completely agree. the only thing that annoys me more is straight women using the term "hubby."

Wendi link

12/8/2011 05:20:22 pm

I have to say I'm in agreement with Keiran on this one.

Angela

12/9/2011 02:51:21 am

Wow.
I am a queer woman of color and absolutely disgusted by the constant oppression Olympics that is being perpetrated within sub-cultures of our community. In my 37 years of life I have found that usually (not always) the most radical language/label correctors were young white women of privilege.

Everyone has the right to their beliefs but we don't live in a bubble, we share the world with others. The terms that may make you cringe may delight others. You have the absolute right to be called as you wish but you do not have the right to police or judge what others prefer to be called. This is one of the best ways to exclude potential allies.

I am married to an amazing woman who I refer to as my partner, wife, love... the list goes on. Our marriage is a relationship which is a partnership (see any dictionary) part·ner
/ˈpɑrtnər/ Show Spelled[pahrt-ner] Show IPA
noun
1.
a person who shares or is associated with another in some action or endeavor; sharer; associate.
2.
Law .
a.
a person associated with another or others as a principal or a contributor of capital in a business or a joint venture, usually sharing its risks and profits.
b.
special partner.
3.
silent partner.
4.
a husband or a wife; spouse.
5.
either of two people who dance together: my favorite partner in the waltz.
6.
a player on the same side or team as another: My tennis partner was an excellent player.
7.
partners, Nautical . a framework of timber round a hole in a ship's deck, to support a mast, capstan, pump, etc.

verb (used with object)
8.
to associate as a partner or partners with.
9.
to serve as the partner of.

Also see Thesaurus:
Main Entry:
partner [pahrt-ner] Show IPA/ˈpɑrtnər/ Show Spelled
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: person who takes part with another
Synonyms: accomplice, ally, assistant, associate, buddy, chum*, cohort, collaborator, colleague, companion, comrade, confederate, consort, coworker, crony, date, friend, helper, helpmate, husband, mate, pal*, participant, playmate, sidekick*, spouse, teammate, wife
Antonyms: enemy, foe
* = informal/non-formal usage

I actively work in the social justice movement and have done substantial work for queer rights and marriage equality.

Waiting for the day that we can be comfortable in our own skin and let others be comfortable in theirs.

goatlover

12/9/2011 04:54:52 am

i totally agree with you! i had this experience recently; someone i did not know very well told me they were married and referred to their "partner", and it then became very uncomfortable for me because i was like, well, is it a guy? a woman? what? there were no clarifying pronouns, so it was hard to take the conversation beyond just the basics because it became awkward. i must admit, i also find it irritating because frankly, its a word that queers have been forced to accept because we really haven't been legally allowed to use wife or husband up until recently, so to hear straight person using it feels like REALLY privileged and kinda like a slap in the face. great post!

WHY?

1/24/2015 09:21:25 am

It is nobodies business whom you are dating, whether straight or not.
So, the fact that it bothers you is actually funny. Why do people need to know what gender people are having sex with or what our sexuality is.

So, because people are straight you should also know everything up front? Does it also bother you, that you know now what color underwear they have on?

Get over it and ask them what fun things they do with their partner. You don't need a pronoun to extend the conversation.

12/9/2011 05:22:17 am

i think it's fine to ask for clarification if someone is using "partner" without pronouns, just like i do if i am not sure how someone identifies personally and which pronouns they want me to use for them. if done kindly and casually, it'll keep things out of the awkward territory that goatlover is talking about above.

Lycintella

12/9/2011 07:52:47 am

(Hey,
I've been lurking for a while here, and this is my first post so, as a side note, I think this blog is awsome.)

I use the word partner sometimes, and boyfriend others. I use boyfriend with people who know us very very well. (Note: this, unfortunatley, does not include my own mother who I am close with, but who does not understand our relationship dynamics at all, so I wouldnt say that I fall under the family and friends category).

I use partner with people who I do not know, and who do not know us, because I frequently find that people automatically assume that because he is male and I'm female and he is alot older than me, that he plays a dominant role in our relationship. 'Partner', I have found, seems to cut people off before they start with that crap, as it implies equality. Now, dont get me wrong, I'm not the type to assume the worst of people before I get to know them. But I am a very vocal person with my opinions and if they make inaccurate assumptions about the power balance in a relationship that they know nothing about, I do not hesitate to let them know just how inaccurate they are (often quite rudely. Which is down to pure frustration over how often this happens) which can be more damaging to a potentially budding friendship.

I also find that 'boyfriend' seems to be taken as 'less serious' than partner. Which, again, is an annoyance.

I use 'boyfriend' with people who know us very well, because I can relax with these people, and not have to watch my language incase I open myself up for hurtful remarks or assumptions. I realise that this makes me look like I really do think the worst of people, but I dont. I believe the weather person when they say that the weather will be mild today, but if its cloudy I still shut the windows, just in case. I do all I can to look for the best, while protecting myself from the worst. Its awful to be brought down and made to feel like a mean person just because I corrected a bad assumption.

Generally, I use a pronoun, to do otherwise makes conversation awkward. But if people dont use a pronoun when talking about their own partners, I either ask for their partners name, or use 'zie' and 'hir' until they get the point. I usually find that if I go with the latter, its the person I'm talking to that feels silly :D

Jen

12/9/2011 01:49:54 pm

Angela, you are awesome.

Iz link

12/11/2011 06:14:47 pm

I have in the past referred to my good friends' same sex spouses in front of straight people as their husband or wife in an effort to get rid of the double standard which unfortunately still exists.

I have also referred to a straight person's husband as their partner whilst referring to my partner. As I'm currently single I don't know what I'd refer to a lover as, but I like making an effort to reduce the intolerance directed towards LGBT people on a daily basis.

JustMe

12/12/2011 04:55:56 pm

I don't care how people refer to their relationships. I choose how to refer to my own, and if people are paying attention and after listening to me, refer to my relationship the same way that I did, I feel comfort in the fact that they were paying attention.

That said, I have no problem with a blog post that explores a peeve. The very action of such can unravel a lot of thinking and discussion.

Sometimes there can be such a think as too much thinking, but not very often. I appreciate the pioneers of thought in the GLBT blogosphere and you, BW, are a big one of those.

I respect all the commenters but I do kind of wish the "oh wow you said a bad thing" types would either be more polite, or in saying such, also link directly to their own blogs. I'd hate for you to ever feel negged down for doing this good service you do, with your good strong writing about so many untapped subjects that butches like me have been starving for. MOAR!

Preciocilla

12/13/2011 04:37:02 am

I'm with you, BW! Personally, I find that many people are so desperate for acceptance that they're 10 different people, throughout the day, to gain the acceptance of others. Very little authenticity exists.

While I appreciate the sentiment of progressive straight folks, I find their use of partner to be confusing and inappropriate. They push us out of neighborhoods (once we've cleaned them up) frequent our bars inappropriately and use words that don't describe their legally sanctioned marriages.

Wanna support us? Vote for same-sex marriage and argue with your homophobic parents when they fund right-wing, anti-gay groups. Thanks!

Lastly, personally, I want to know who I'm talking to and about. Labels aren't always bad--they help one to quickly ascertain who someone is "likely" to be. I have limited time, so I choose people carefully: I deserve to know if you're gay, a straight ally, bi, butch, femme, andro, etc.

Stacey

12/31/2011 01:34:05 pm

Either way I don't reallly care. I mean I think everyone has a right to call the person they're with whatever they wish no matter what orientation they are or how they identify. I believe strongly in "to each their own.:" I personally despise the word partner myself. But some people prefer it. That's great. Do whatever makes you happy and stop worrying so much about the meaning behind it. All that matters is your meaning that you put behind the word.

I think people need to relax a bit and stop letting all of this little stuff bother them. To me it's not that big of a deal. But again that's just me. Free speech is a wonderful thing people.

12/31/2011 01:48:30 pm

Of course I forgot to get to the real point of your post. I don't know if it would both me so much if someone used the word partner for their spouse just because they are around gay people. It's a little misguided sure, but I think it all depends on the person and where their heart is. Some people have good intentions but it might bother me a little. I don't know. This is what I get for trying to right an intelligent post when I haven't slept in two days. Haha.

Butch Wonders link

1/3/2012 05:20:47 am

Wow(!), I love that there are so many different, intelligent, thoughtful perspectives on this. I also like that people's opinions doesn't seem to be broken down in terms of sexual orientation or gender identification.

Joel

1/21/2012 02:42:05 pm

I'm a transguy dating a straight cisguy (!) so while we might have heterosexual privilege in some senses, I prefer to use the gender-neutral terms lover, paramour, or partner. I just don't like the connotations of the word boyfriend; while obviously there are plenty of gay men and male-male relationships it does kind of affect my dysphoria and my ability to pass. When the gender of my partner doesn't matter, I use a gender-neutral term.

Great blog, btw! Rock the fuck on! :)

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.

Howdy, Partner

Leave a Reply.

Blogs I Like

Categories (NOT up to date... working on it)

Archives

Howdy, Partner

Leave a Reply.

​Blogs I Like

Categories (NOT up to date... working on it)

Archives

Blogs I Like