January's Best Search Terms

Whew, January flew by and I left the house perhaps 8-9 times, max (that includes 2 doctor visits!).  But I'm proud to announce that I feel much better.  Public Service Announcement: Get your vaccinations, people!

Anyway, January gifted us with another month of delightful and unlikely searches that got people to Butch Wonders.  Some of my favorites:

• "gays don't get it"  (I know, right?  That's what I'm saying.  What's up with those gays??)
  
• "what can i use instead of hair gel that won't make my hair shiny"  (Corn starch.  Sand.  Lava rock.  Cooked spaghetti.)
  
• "butch menstrual products"  (A tampon with a chain!  A pantyliner that has one side made of sandpaper!  A "survival" pad that's inflatable and doubles as a life raft!)
  
• "big breasts and bicycle"  (Really, what more do you need?)
  
• "a woman compliments on my boots is she lesbian"  (Yeah, she's got to be.  I mean, what straight person even wears footwear these days?  It just seems like a gay thing.)
  
• "22gay boys"  (Sittin’ in a tree!  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!)
• how to deal with awkwardly gay people"  (How is one "awkwardly gay?"  Like you just say GAY THINGS at random during formal dinners?)
  
• "butches and more butches and even more interesting butches"  (Yay!  We've found paradise at last!)
  
• "www.m a 18 yrs boy how should i play wid my gf body part i love 2 play tips.com"  (I swear that this was a real search.)
  
• www.bielu saxye hie saxye all video.com  (This, too.  Who are these people?  What do they want?)
  
• leopards guy panties  (Leopards do not wear "panties."  They are far too butch for that.)
• "what is too big an age gap for a relationship"  (305 years would definitely be too big.  One of the people would be dead.  So that would be stupid.)
• "is 3 years a big age difference"  (Yes, if you are a caterpillar).
  
• "do you know any gay people"  (GROSS--no!)
  
• "dhamster nipplepircing on girles"  (No.  Just no.)
  
• "what not to say to gay people"  (Here are some ideas: "Gay people suck."  "Your house is on fire."  "I ran over your dog and slept with your partner.")
• "many toy department are segregated" (I know!  As you already know if you follow me on Twitter, I saw this sign at my local drug store recently.  How screwed up is this?  I don't think boxes even use toys that much.  It just seems stupid to segregate boxes from people:) 
  

• "tattoo with belly button misused"  (This definitely qualifies as an inappropriate use of one's belly button in a tattoo.)

• "surprises are gay"  (So gay!)
  
• "questions to ask straight people at christmas"  (How about: "Do you have a...  special friend?"  Or, "Don't you ever want to wear a little [color associated with opposite gender]?  It would really bring out your eyes."  Or, "Are you sure the whole 'straight' thing isn't just because a lot of people are doing it nowadays?")
  
• "pemain sepak bola wanita amerika"  (Booka leeka neeep noo monda.)
• "gendor mistake"  (Wow, you've already made one!)
• "i don't like homosexuality. deal with it."  (We don't like you, either.  In fact, we just decided to have your marriage annulled to protest your lifestyle.)
• "neat things to put on your dresser"  (Sushi!  Baby anacondas!  Bags of potting soil!  Watermelons!  NEAT!)
• "men that dont look gay"  (How about this guy?  No?  Then this guy?  Hm, then how about this guy?  Oh, screw it--all men are gay.)
  
• "is it normal if a lesbian teacher likes a school girl who is 16 nd butch"  (Who knows.  But it's creepy as hell to do anything about it.)
  
• "in my lesbian relationship i want her to cook and clean"  (Hahahaha...  Don't we all!)
  
• "im scared butch lesbians are trying to turn straight girls out"  (What?!  That's ridiculous!)
  
• "lesbian how to get a straight girl to fall in love with you without being direct"  (Oh.  Ignore my last comment.)
  
• "im 19 and shes 17 is that too much of an age differences"  (Yes.  If you are cats.)
• "circle graph about caffeine in energy drinks"  (I didn't know what this meant, so I just drew my own energy drink circle graph:)
  

• "Butchy yes or no"  (Yes.)
  

• "butch gender restaurant fries waiter"  (Fries are my gender.)
  
• "butch and femme partners make no sense"  (Neither does trying to comprehend attraction by googling this, but here you are.)
  
• "???? ???"  (!!!! !!!)
  
• "??? ?????"  (!!! !!!!!)
  
• "22gay guys" (Sittin' in a tree!  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!)
• "+how often does it happen that a butch lesbian has a baby for her partner" (NEVER, I hope.  Her partner needs to be at least 18.)
• "amount of butch"  (36-43 grams)
• "i have no butchness left"  (This can be a problem.  Sometimes the butchness can leak right out of you if you don't get regular checkups.  Spend an hour in Macy's Men's, re-read Stone Butch Blues, and complete two repairs that require your toolbox.  You'll be good as new.)
  
• "how to make half butch muffins"  (Add 1 pinch navy blue pantsuit, 1 dollop short hair ["feathered"], 2 tbsp Chapstick, an REI gift certificate, and an androgynous shoe.  Bake until butch is "soft."  Garnish with 2 small silver earrings.)
  
• "grandma leopard outfit"  (Boom.)
  
• "girls tie guys up and put makeup on them"  (Straight people are so weird.  Are we SURE their marriages should be legal?!)
• "straight people are so cute"  (Yeah, when they're not engaging in their weird, freaky sexual practices.)
  
• "Generally how do butches react n behave"  (Generally, we are perfection incarnate.  [Results may vary.])
  
• "gay people make me awkward"  (I am not sure it's the gay people who are doing the heavy lifting in that regard.)
  
• "gay men in wool sweaters having sex"  (This wins the specific-fetish-of-the-month award.)
  
• "decent beach party costumes"  (I like that this person isn't aiming particularly high.)
  
• "how women wear a tie casually"  (This strikes me as quite casual.)
  
• "Football called me a dyke"  (Awww, your very own Wilson!  But if you're stranded on an island, how do you have Internet access??)
  
• "gay people are jerks"  (And you, ma'am, are a poopy head.)
  
• "do i know any gay people"  (If you don’t, it means YOU’RE the gay one.  You're gay!!  Nyah Nyah Nyah!!)
  
• "do butch women open doors"  (Yes, quite often--particularly if we need to get into a building.)
• "butch lesbian jury duty"  (Waaait...  We don't get to marry, but we have to serve jury duty?!  Folks, maybe we've been taking the wrong tack.  Maybe we should ask for fewer rights and try to eliminate the whole "jury duty" thing.  Like a special snow day for gay people.)
  
• "dating a women who has a ex"  (Most women have a ex, my friend.  Some have an multiple exes.)
• "creative ways to hang my ties"  (On a wall!  On a tree!  On some dogs!  On a yourself while you're wearing a polo shirt!)
  
• "cousin ultis"  (Ah, Cousin Ultis.  If only he'd been a little faster.  Or the mountain lion had been a little slower.  Or if he hadn't taunted the mountain lion with roast beef and kissing noises.)
  
• "Nice effort, very informative, this will help me to complete my task"  (If your task is to sound like a robot, you have already completed it!)
  
• "can there be an age gap between lesbians"  (No.  All lesbians have to be exactly the same age as each other.)
  
• "my age is is 15 but we says it 14 why?"  (We lies.)
• "do you think we should piss on the floor in case there are no gay people around?"  (If you think peeing on the floor is going to remedy your potential-lack-of-gay-people problem, you've been misinformed.)
• "butch up your tattoo"  (This seems like a good idea, so I came up with two examples:)
  

First, suppose you have a simple heart tattoo.

I mean, whatever.  It's fine, if not exactly butch.  But with a few simple edits at your local tattoo parlor, you can make a statement about your identity:

Easy, right?

Okay, let's take another example.  Suppose that in a bout of drunken and/or misdirected whimsy, you decided to get the following tattoo of a flower:

But now you've decided that the flower conflicts with your uber-butch identity.  You need something tougher...  what can you do??

Never fear!  With a little creativity, you can butch up your tattoo in no time:

Whoa!  Now your flower's the propeller of a plane!  And it's shooting people!  Grrrrr!  War plane! 

...That's it!  Hope you're having a great weekend.  Enjoy the Superbowl, if that's your thing; if not, enjoy having the streets to yourself tomorrow. 

BTW, if you want to get one of my rad shirts (not a bad V-Day gift, if I do say so myself), you can get 30% off with the code "WELUVYOUSALE").