Kiss Me--I Have Mono! Plus, October's Best Search Terms!

Hi BW readers!  It's been almost a week since you heard from me.  I've been uncharacteristically tired and had a weird constellation of other symptoms, so I went to the doctor, and...  I have mono!  Mononucleosis!  For the third time.  I am writing this with a pillow wedged beneath my upper left side to ease the constant pain of my swollen spleen.  Awesome!

Anyway, I miss you.  Not all my readers--I love them all, but I miss YOU specifically.  So I wanted to say hi.  And what better way to say hi than sharing a list of the weirdest search terms that brought people to Butch Wonders in October?  Here you go:

• "bride requiring bridesmaids nipple piercing"  (Not okay, people.)
• "are chukka boots gay"  (These days they prefer to be called "queer," but yes--they live an alternative lifestyle.)
• "whats the best way to flirt with dike"  (A "dike" is a rock embankment that prevents floods.  I'd try splashing it playfully with river water.)
• "should lesbian sister be made to wear dress"  (Read this.  Apply liberal douses to all related situations.  P.S. You scare me.)
• "how to make a faux hawk without looking butch"  (You'll have better luck making Johnny Weir look straight.  We have a monopoly!)
  
• "quizzes on things that can be worn"  (Okay, here's the quiz:          1. shoes  2. shirts  3. wild ponies  4. hats  5. volcanoes 6. gloves.   Answers: 1, 2, 4, and 6 = yes.  3 and 5 = no.)
• "lesbians pet names"  (We've talked about precision before, but this is getting out of control.  Are we talking about pet names others have for lesbians, or lesbians' cutsey little names for other people, or the names of cats, dogs, ferrets, etc., owned by lesbians?  Is the elimination of ambiguous modifiers too much to ask?  Gah!)
• "butch girl signs"  (Found one!)
  
• "lesbian do whatever you want"  (Uh...  thanks.  I will.)
• "do gays wear football jerseys"  (In 21 states we're not allowed to, but the Supreme Court may touch on this in the DOMA ruling.)
  
• "is it gay to hug a gay guy"  (Yes.  It will make you gay, although if you weren't gay before the hug, you'll still be allowed to wear football jerseys.  Freakin' loopholes.)
• "create your own demon name"  (Bob.  Tom.  Alicia.  I did it!!!)
• "why do butch lesbians have kids"  (Because hamsters die too fast.)
• "why do boys love boy toys"  (Maybe there are inherent, biological differences between boys and girls that make boys love trucks and girls love tutus.  Or maybe it's the pervasive gender-based socialization in our society.  I vote #2.)
• "why are all lesbians in michigan butch"  (I don't know, but after all these years, you've finally given me a reason to seek a pleasant peninsula.) 
• "who rules the universe"  (Bob, Tom, Alicia, et. al.  See above.)
• "swimming pool post/2012"  (No one knows what post-2012 swimming pools will look like, but we can't wait to find out.)
• "single mom dating kids under age 3 too soon"  (Who cares whether it's "too soon?!"  Dating kids under age three is illegal and wrong!  Seek professional help.)
• "signs that a butch lesbian wants you but is sometimes an ass"  (Butch lesbian is interested in you; has a pulse.)
• "samurai haircut lesbian"  (The first thing that popped into my mind was a beauty salon version of this [now unfunny] old SNL skit.)
• "make your own demon fox"  (Check.)
• "lesbain tattoo"  (I hope this person's tattoo artist has spell-check.)
• "if someone asks you for homosexual sex"  (You are required to give it to them, unless you live in New Jersey or Columbus, Ohio.)
• "if a lesbian opens the door for you"  (It means she is requesting homosexual sex.  If you do not find her attractive, I hope you live in New Jersey or Columbus, Ohio.)
• "i want to transition to a girl because i love girls"  (In that case, I want to transition to a Butterfinger candy bar.)
• "how to talk to yur children when parents embarc on dating"  (Furst talk to yur kidz about importents of spellign.)
• "dark very butch hair nine tits very young"  (I like tits as much as the next dyke, but nine of 'em seems like an awful lot.)
• "comma splicing fun teaching for hairdressers"  (Comma splice fun teaching for everyone!)
  
• "can you melt butch"  (Yes, if you get the pan hot enough.)
• "how do i tell if clothing is male"  (It used to be that you could tell just by looking.  But now you have to ask it how it "identifies.")
• "happy monday dogs"  (Happy Wednesday, capybaras!  Happy Friday, piglets!  Happy Tuesday, arthropods!  This is like some bizare version of Goodnight Moon.)
• "gay xmas picture"  (How about this, this, or this?)
• "gay friend surprise in bed"  (Doesn't this sound like an Oprah episode waiting to happen?)
• "what does it mean when a lady ask you if you know a plumber"  (It means she wants you to rub Jell-O in her armpit.)
• "what does it mean if a butch lesbian stares a lot"  (It means she's a plumber.)
• "butch dog names"  (Jojo, Rasputin, Twinkletoes.)
  
• "butch cat names"  (Merlin, Lucinda, Archibald.)
• "how to make a four year age gap work"  (Eliminate welfare.)
• "how much do you age in a year?"  (Approximately 365 days.)
• "how do you get a girl to like you if your a girl and she is not lesbian"  (If she is not a lesbian, you're going to have to make her one.  Start by asking her if she knows a plumber.  If she comes at you with Jell-O in hand, you're golden.)
  

Your swollen-spleened Butterfinger-loving demon fox,
BW