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Kiss Me--I Have Mono!  Plus, October's Best Search Terms!

11/1/2012

14 Comments

 
Hi BW readers!  It's been almost a week since you heard from me.  I've been uncharacteristically tired and had a weird constellation of other symptoms, so I went to the doctor, and...  I have mono!  Mononucleosis!  For the third time.  I am writing this with a pillow wedged beneath my upper left side to ease the constant pain of my swollen spleen.  Awesome!

Anyway, I miss you.  Not all my readers--I love them all, but I miss YOU specifically.  So I wanted to say hi.  And what better way to say hi than sharing a list of the weirdest search terms that brought people to Butch Wonders in October?  Here you go:

  • "bride requiring bridesmaids nipple piercing"  (Not okay, people.)
  • "are chukka boots gay"  (These days they prefer to be called "queer," but yes--they live an alternative lifestyle.)
  • "whats the best way to flirt with dike"  (A "dike" is a rock embankment that prevents floods.  I'd try splashing it playfully with river water.)
  • "should lesbian sister be made to wear dress"  (Read this.  Apply liberal douses to all related situations.  P.S. You scare me.)
  • "how to make a faux hawk without looking butch"  (You'll have better luck making Johnny Weir look straight.  We have a monopoly!)
  • "quizzes on things that can be worn"  (Okay, here's the quiz:          1. shoes  2. shirts  3. wild ponies  4. hats  5. volcanoes 6. gloves.   Answers: 1, 2, 4, and 6 = yes.  3 and 5 = no.)
  • "lesbians pet names"  (We've talked about precision before, but this is getting out of control.  Are we talking about pet names others have for lesbians, or lesbians' cutsey little names for other people, or the names of cats, dogs, ferrets, etc., owned by lesbians?  Is the elimination of ambiguous modifiers too much to ask?  Gah!)
  • "butch girl signs"  (Found one!)
  • "lesbian do whatever you want"  (Uh...  thanks.  I will.)
  • "do gays wear football jerseys"  (In 21 states we're not allowed to, but the Supreme Court may touch on this in the DOMA ruling.)
  • "is it gay to hug a gay guy"  (Yes.  It will make you gay, although if you weren't gay before the hug, you'll still be allowed to wear football jerseys.  Freakin' loopholes.)
  • "create your own demon name"  (Bob.  Tom.  Alicia.  I did it!!!)
  • "why do butch lesbians have kids"  (Because hamsters die too fast.)
  • "why do boys love boy toys"  (Maybe there are inherent, biological differences between boys and girls that make boys love trucks and girls love tutus.  Or maybe it's the pervasive gender-based socialization in our society.  I vote #2.)
  • "why are all lesbians in michigan butch"  (I don't know, but after all these years, you've finally given me a reason to seek a pleasant peninsula.) 
  • "who rules the universe"  (Bob, Tom, Alicia, et. al.  See above.)
  • "swimming pool post/2012"  (No one knows what post-2012 swimming pools will look like, but we can't wait to find out.)
  • "single mom dating kids under age 3 too soon"  (Who cares whether it's "too soon?!"  Dating kids under age three is illegal and wrong!  Seek professional help.)
  • "signs that a butch lesbian wants you but is sometimes an ass"  (Butch lesbian is interested in you; has a pulse.)
  • "samurai haircut lesbian"  (The first thing that popped into my mind was a beauty salon version of this [now unfunny] old SNL skit.)
  • "make your own demon fox"  (Check.)
  • "lesbain tattoo"  (I hope this person's tattoo artist has spell-check.)
  • "if someone asks you for homosexual sex"  (You are required to give it to them, unless you live in New Jersey or Columbus, Ohio.)
  • "if a lesbian opens the door for you"  (It means she is requesting homosexual sex.  If you do not find her attractive, I hope you live in New Jersey or Columbus, Ohio.)
  • "i want to transition to a girl because i love girls"  (In that case, I want to transition to a Butterfinger candy bar.)
  • "how to talk to yur children when parents embarc on dating"  (Furst talk to yur kidz about importents of spellign.)
  • "dark very butch hair nine tits very young"  (I like tits as much as the next dyke, but nine of 'em seems like an awful lot.)
  • "comma splicing fun teaching for hairdressers"  (Comma splice fun teaching for everyone!)
  • "can you melt butch"  (Yes, if you get the pan hot enough.)
  • "how do i tell if clothing is male"  (It used to be that you could tell just by looking.  But now you have to ask it how it "identifies.")
  • "happy monday dogs"  (Happy Wednesday, capybaras!  Happy Friday, piglets!  Happy Tuesday, arthropods!  This is like some bizare version of Goodnight Moon.)
  • "gay xmas picture"  (How about this, this, or this?)
  • "gay friend surprise in bed"  (Doesn't this sound like an Oprah episode waiting to happen?)
  • "what does it mean when a lady ask you if you know a plumber"  (It means she wants you to rub Jell-O in her armpit.)
  • "what does it mean if a butch lesbian stares a lot"  (It means she's a plumber.)
  • "butch dog names"  (Jojo, Rasputin, Twinkletoes.)
  • "butch cat names"  (Merlin, Lucinda, Archibald.)
  • "how to make a four year age gap work"  (Eliminate welfare.)
  • "how much do you age in a year?"  (Approximately 365 days.)
  • "how do you get a girl to like you if your a girl and she is not lesbian"  (If she is not a lesbian, you're going to have to make her one.  Start by asking her if she knows a plumber.  If she comes at you with Jell-O in hand, you're golden.)


Your swollen-spleened Butterfinger-loving demon fox,
BW
14 Comments
Sarah Elizabeth
11/1/2012 04:52:09 am

OMG Thank you. I find myself sitting at a mall, bored, while I wait for a job interview and your responses to the search terms TOTALLY just made my day :-D

Reply
sara
11/1/2012 06:11:41 am

LoveLoveLove. Made my day, dear.

Reply
Shannon
11/1/2012 10:52:21 am

Well, I, for one, can assure you that not ALL lesbians in Michigan are butch. I would die a happy woman if they were!

Reply
Stacey
11/1/2012 03:05:44 pm

Tell me about it, if this is the case where in the hell are they?

Reply
Martha
11/2/2012 02:36:06 am

Yeah, I'm with this one too. Went to Windsor (right across the Detroit river) to find mine...:)
Plus, I love the "si quarem peninsulam amoenam" reference. You rock, even with a swollen spleen, BW!

Reply
Stacey
11/1/2012 03:08:05 pm

Hope you feel better! And wow, the whole "lets not type whole words because it would be so inconvenient" is getting pretty ridiculous, yet amusing for your readers.

Reply
Womandrogyne
11/2/2012 03:17:38 am

Heh... now I want to transition to a Butterfinger - because girls love Butterfingers :).

Reply
Robin Miles link
11/2/2012 04:23:36 pm

"nine tits?" I'd never leave the house!

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Catmo
11/2/2012 05:40:39 pm

Ok two things....first, I had three co-workers wait wait wait...Three STRAIGHT co workers asking if your Search terms list was up yet. And two...I swear to Sappho...we had a Jack Russel terrier in at the ER (she ate rat poison, she'll be fine.) named...JoJo! And I have to say, she did indeed look rather butchie. :)~

Reply
Butch Wonders link
11/7/2012 04:52:30 am

Three STRAIGHT co-workers?? Okay, that is just awesome. That + JoJo completely made my day. :)

Reply
Kaitlin
11/3/2012 05:32:53 am

Where, oh where, have you been all my adult life Butch Wonders?! This is the first time that I've visited your site, and it certainly won't be the last. I laughed so hard while reading this post! Can't wait to read more. In the meantime, I'm off to buy Jell-o, and wish you a speedy recovery.

Reply
Butch Wonders link
11/7/2012 04:53:15 am

Glad you like it! Thanks for reading, hope you'll be back, and good luck with the Jell-o. ;)

Reply
Jan Reilly
11/3/2012 08:57:25 am

That was so awsome!

Reply
Caughtinyoureyes
11/3/2012 10:01:44 pm

Loved the post, as usual! You have an interesting mind that I totally get. Sorry about the Mono. I was the oldest person in my docs office to have it. I was 4 days out of work and then 10 days on half days. The doc said that I had to avoid injury to liver and spleen. I taught PE. Spherical objects come hurtling by me all the time. I needed a bodyguard. Feel better

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