Open Relationship?

7/16/2011

I was talking with a friend today about open relationships. He and his partner are in one, and have been for most of ten years. This got me to wondering... What do you, dear readers, think about open relationships? Would you like to be in one? (Or are you in one and find it ideal?) Take this poll!

...And of course, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section. I know many several gay male couples with ongoing open relationships, but it seems to be much less common for lesbian couples. Has this been your experience? Why would or wouldn't you want one? What do you think would make an open relationship work (or fail)?

7 Comments

Kyle link

7/16/2011 03:33:14 pm

Yes, my wife and I are in an open relationship, and I am polyamorous with the amazing Roxy. If we hadn't opened up our relationship, it would have been in some big trouble, so this change actually saved us.

To make this work, you have to have a lot of communication and expectation setting up front. Research open/poly relationships and discuss the pluses and minuses of the different configurations with your partner. If you can make contact with others who are open/poly, use them as a resource.

Before, during, always: communication, but decide how much and what about. Some couples want to share all details, some want a bare minimum.

Talk about whether you'll engage in sex with others as a couple or individually, or both. What are your rules? Talk a lot about this and come up with all kinds of scenarios to discuss.

Be honest, live up to your commitments, and don't let things simmer long before talking about them. Jealousy and possessiveness are a bitch, and for some of us, they don't go away completely. See jealousy for what it is, fear and insecurity. Work on your own shit as hard as you ask your partner(s) to work on theirs.

You make open/poly relationships work using the same tactics you use making closed ones work: honesty, trust, communication, hard work... repeat.

Justa Notha link

7/17/2011 11:21:23 am

I know some people can have open relationships Sucessfully, but I haven't figured out how. Which is a problem, since I've often found myself interested in two people at once. There's also the "group relationship" that I've seen done successfully, where a threesome lives happily together. (Usually mixed gender) I know a lot of the local polly crowd, because they throw very family-friendly parties. None of them are at all my type, so I haven't gotten involved in that way.
I would say embark in an open relationship very, very carefully. Mine have tended to end badly.

Wendi link

7/18/2011 01:21:51 am

I know a lot of poly lesbians in my community in the Pacific Northwest. It seems to work for them, although I do notice quite a bit of drama around it but perhaps that's what works for them, as well.

Personally, I'm a bit 'old fashioned' and haven't ever been able to wrap my brain around the concept. I get it and have read the Ethical Slut but I also know that it's not for me. I'm a monogamist through and through.

Jax link

7/18/2011 03:00:11 pm

you have to ask yourself how much you can split yourself and still respect you and your partner. Yes, I love other people dearly, but to have a relationship with anyone else would be disrespectful to my wife. Monogamy isn't natural to her in any way, and I have also struggled at time. But to not be faithful causes too much pain. We choose to avoid overly tempting situations and we've managed to weather some very challenging life situations.

However, we also don't say that a moments indiscretion does not mean the end of our relationship. It would mean we had let some issues fester for far too long.

Very few can truly make it work. But plenty of people are capable of deluding themselves into thinking their relationship is ok when it isn't. Note, I'm not pointing fingers at anyone. But think about all the stories you hear of people who spent 10 or 15 years in an unhappy relationship until they finally woke up and realized it didn't serve them.

There are some who are able to be completely authentic and aware within their relationship and it works for them. They are rare. Personally I'd ask a person considering it to determine what they are missing in their relationship, whether they are really trying to fill a hole that must be filled by their self (no one can make us whole) and whether they really need to end their current relationship and just be friends so they can move on to their next relationship.

Just some things to think about as you look at your life. In the end, we shouldn't judge others for their relationship choices anyway, so I really only want to offer a way to look within.

Rachel link

7/20/2011 09:34:25 am

wow, people like monogamy? just kidding...sorta...

I think that there are plenty of variations on 'open' and nearly no variations on monogamy. I know I ran into plenty of issues within various kinds of open relationships in the past, and had even more issues trying to have a monogamous one...

Both options are challenging. I think its essential to communicate with your partner and figure out what works best for that particular relationship.

What I dislike is the assumption that one method fits all. or one way of employing a particular method fits all.

I went into my only long-term monogamous relationship having already stated loudly that I didn't want to do monogomany, only to end up in couples counseling where we we assured that we had to 'fix the relationship first' and then talk about opening it up. So basically, I ended up stifled in precisely the kind of re I had already said didn't work for me personally.

No offense Jax, but some of us are just wired differently. I had so many people question the validity of my non-monogamous relationships on such a continual basis, that now I'm a bit defensive. What if we just don't all work the same way?

It seems like the kind of poly that others practice isn't for me, nor the typical monogamy. What if each re evolves its own boundaries through negotiation..

My current GF and I define our re as 'open to suggestion' meaning we aren't sure yet what shape it will take, but we do know we don't have to conform to someone else's idea of what it means for us to be together...

cindi

8/7/2011 05:11:53 am

at my age i feeling being in an open relationship is something I'm in right now...for the fact that i have my own home and so does the woman I'm seeing...i wish not to move in with her and just feel that I'm able to to date and see others...for many years i have been in a one on one relationship...now i like the way things are and still learning a lot about women...no matter at what age there's always something new...and now I'm happier then I've ever been in my life...this certainly works for me....thanks

Cal

12/1/2012 12:58:39 pm

It's interesting to me to read everyone's perspectives on this. I don't have a problem with people who choose to have open/poly relationships. My own sister and bro-in-law are poly.

Personally though, I'm just really terrible at sharing with people. I'm a monogamist, for sure.

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