Butch Wonders
  • Blog
  • Butch Store: Genderqueer Us
  • About
  • Contact

Open Relationship?

7/16/2011

7 Comments

 
I was talking with a friend today about open relationships.  He and his partner are in one, and have been for most of ten years.  This got me to wondering...  What do you, dear readers, think about open relationships?  Would you like to be in one?  (Or are you in one and find it ideal?)  Take this poll!

...And of course, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section.  I know many several gay male couples with ongoing open relationships, but it seems to be much less common for lesbian couples.  Has this been your experience?  Why would or wouldn't you want one?  What do you think would make an open relationship work (or fail)?
7 Comments
Kyle link
7/16/2011 03:33:14 pm

Yes, my wife and I are in an open relationship, and I am polyamorous with the amazing Roxy. If we hadn't opened up our relationship, it would have been in some big trouble, so this change actually saved us.

To make this work, you have to have a lot of communication and expectation setting up front. Research open/poly relationships and discuss the pluses and minuses of the different configurations with your partner. If you can make contact with others who are open/poly, use them as a resource.

Before, during, always: communication, but decide how much and what about. Some couples want to share all details, some want a bare minimum.

Talk about whether you'll engage in sex with others as a couple or individually, or both. What are your rules? Talk a lot about this and come up with all kinds of scenarios to discuss.

Be honest, live up to your commitments, and don't let things simmer long before talking about them. Jealousy and possessiveness are a bitch, and for some of us, they don't go away completely. See jealousy for what it is, fear and insecurity. Work on your own shit as hard as you ask your partner(s) to work on theirs.

You make open/poly relationships work using the same tactics you use making closed ones work: honesty, trust, communication, hard work... repeat.

Reply
Justa Notha link
7/17/2011 11:21:23 am

I know some people can have open relationships Sucessfully, but I haven't figured out how. Which is a problem, since I've often found myself interested in two people at once. There's also the "group relationship" that I've seen done successfully, where a threesome lives happily together. (Usually mixed gender) I know a lot of the local polly crowd, because they throw very family-friendly parties. None of them are at all my type, so I haven't gotten involved in that way.
I would say embark in an open relationship very, very carefully. Mine have tended to end badly.

Reply
Wendi link
7/18/2011 01:21:51 am

I know a lot of poly lesbians in my community in the Pacific Northwest. It seems to work for them, although I do notice quite a bit of drama around it but perhaps that's what works for them, as well.

Personally, I'm a bit 'old fashioned' and haven't ever been able to wrap my brain around the concept. I get it and have read the Ethical Slut but I also know that it's not for me. I'm a monogamist through and through.

Reply
Jax link
7/18/2011 03:00:11 pm

you have to ask yourself how much you can split yourself and still respect you and your partner. Yes, I love other people dearly, but to have a relationship with anyone else would be disrespectful to my wife. Monogamy isn't natural to her in any way, and I have also struggled at time. But to not be faithful causes too much pain. We choose to avoid overly tempting situations and we've managed to weather some very challenging life situations.

However, we also don't say that a moments indiscretion does not mean the end of our relationship. It would mean we had let some issues fester for far too long.

Very few can truly make it work. But plenty of people are capable of deluding themselves into thinking their relationship is ok when it isn't. Note, I'm not pointing fingers at anyone. But think about all the stories you hear of people who spent 10 or 15 years in an unhappy relationship until they finally woke up and realized it didn't serve them.

There are some who are able to be completely authentic and aware within their relationship and it works for them. They are rare. Personally I'd ask a person considering it to determine what they are missing in their relationship, whether they are really trying to fill a hole that must be filled by their self (no one can make us whole) and whether they really need to end their current relationship and just be friends so they can move on to their next relationship.

Just some things to think about as you look at your life. In the end, we shouldn't judge others for their relationship choices anyway, so I really only want to offer a way to look within.

Reply
Rachel link
7/20/2011 09:34:25 am

wow, people like monogamy? just kidding...sorta...

I think that there are plenty of variations on 'open' and nearly no variations on monogamy. I know I ran into plenty of issues within various kinds of open relationships in the past, and had even more issues trying to have a monogamous one...

Both options are challenging. I think its essential to communicate with your partner and figure out what works best for that particular relationship.

What I dislike is the assumption that one method fits all. or one way of employing a particular method fits all.

I went into my only long-term monogamous relationship having already stated loudly that I didn't want to do monogomany, only to end up in couples counseling where we we assured that we had to 'fix the relationship first' and then talk about opening it up. So basically, I ended up stifled in precisely the kind of re I had already said didn't work for me personally.

No offense Jax, but some of us are just wired differently. I had so many people question the validity of my non-monogamous relationships on such a continual basis, that now I'm a bit defensive. What if we just don't all work the same way?

It seems like the kind of poly that others practice isn't for me, nor the typical monogamy. What if each re evolves its own boundaries through negotiation..

My current GF and I define our re as 'open to suggestion' meaning we aren't sure yet what shape it will take, but we do know we don't have to conform to someone else's idea of what it means for us to be together...

Reply
cindi
8/7/2011 05:11:53 am

at my age i feeling being in an open relationship is something I'm in right now...for the fact that i have my own home and so does the woman I'm seeing...i wish not to move in with her and just feel that I'm able to to date and see others...for many years i have been in a one on one relationship...now i like the way things are and still learning a lot about women...no matter at what age there's always something new...and now I'm happier then I've ever been in my life...this certainly works for me....thanks

Reply
Cal
12/1/2012 12:58:39 pm

It's interesting to me to read everyone's perspectives on this. I don't have a problem with people who choose to have open/poly relationships. My own sister and bro-in-law are poly.

Personally though, I'm just really terrible at sharing with people. I'm a monogamist, for sure.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    TWITTER
    FACEBOOK
    INSTAGRAM
    EMAIL ME
    Picture


    ​Blogs I Like

    A Butch in the Kitchen
    A Stranger in This Place
    Bookish Butch
    Butch on Tap
    Card Carrying Lesbian
    ​
    Chapstick Femme

    Effing Dykes
    Feral Librarian
    Lawyers, Dykes, and Money

    Mainely Butch
    Neutrois Nonsense
    Pretty Butch
       

    Categories (NOT up to date...  working on it)

    All
    Accessories
    Adventures
    Advice
    Bisexuality
    Blogging
    Books
    Butch Identity
    Cars
    Clothes
    Coming Out
    Community
    Dating
    Family
    Fashion
    Female Masculinity
    Fiction
    Friends
    Gaydar
    Gender
    Girlfriends
    Guest Posts
    Hair
    Health
    Humor
    Husbands
    Identity
    Interviews
    Intro
    Lgbt Community
    Lgbt Law
    Lgbt Relationships
    Lists
    Marriage
    Media
    Politics
    Polls
    Pride
    Pride Project
    Readers
    Relationships
    Religion
    Reviews
    Search Terms
    Shopping
    Silliness
    Social Change
    Ties
    Trans
    Work


    Archives

    September 2022
    May 2019
    February 2019
    September 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    March 2018
    November 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    April 2017
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011

    RSS Feed

 
  • Blog
  • Butch Store: Genderqueer Us
  • About
  • Contact