Our Parents Talk Back: Holiday Tips for Queer Daughters!

After reading my Guide to Having Your Lesbian Daughter Home for the Holidays, my mom (whom I did not realize reads my blog pretty regularly --how rad is that?) mentioned that having one's dyke progeny home is not always a walk in the park, either.  Even if they want to be fully accepting and supportive, our families don't always know how.  So my mom and I have collaborated on this list of how we lesbian daughters can do our part to make family time as joyous (or tolerable, depending on your family) as possible.  

1. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Yes, family psychology is complicated, but with few exceptions, your family members aren't actively trying to hurt you or be jerky about things.  If someone says something that could be reasonably interpreted in an unfavorable light or a favorable one, try hard to do the latter.
2. Be gracious when people give you dumb gifts.  This applies to all gift recipients, but since gender nonconforming folks are especially likely to receive gifts that strike us as ridiculous, we should brace ourselves.  Yes, those pink socks Grandma gives us probably will go unworn.  But Grandma doesn't need to know that.  A gracious, "Thank you so much for the gift" goes a long way.  You don't have to like a gift to thank someone for giving you a gift.  (Later, you can trade with your closeted gay male cousin, who got the navy blue ones.)
3. If possible, TRY to ignore the gender essentialism that is likely to abound.  Yes, in many families, people WILL give the dolls to the girls and the trucks to the boys.  And yes, this reinforces binary notions of gender that abound in society, were harmful to many of us, and (I would argue) are harmful to society more generally.  But before or after the holidays, ideally in one-on-one conversations with people, is the best time to bring this up.  There's no need to make Christmas morning uncomfortable by exaggerated sighs and eye-rolling when little Suzie opens her Barbies.  
4. Don't automatically assume that conservative family members don't support gay rights.  This one is hard for me, since gay rights is not "just another issue" to me, and I view it as an insult to my personhood when someone votes for someone who does not support gay rights.  But not all conservatives feel this way.  Many, especially those with a more libertarian bent, are gay rights supporters.  
5. Talk to whoever you're closest to ahead of time if you have concerns.  For example, plan a mid-day walk to "debrief" and check in with your sister, mom, son, or whoever "gets" you best.
6. Be an educator, if the opportunity arises.  The other day at brunch, a straight friend offhandedly said something that I'm SURE he didn't mean to be dismissive--something along the lines of, gay marriage has made huge strides, people's opinions are really changing, etc.  I said something like, "I totally agree with that.  At the same time, I'm not sure marriage is our biggest fight right now--I'd be really happy if gays couldn't be fired in most states for their sexual orientation."  My friend was surprised about this, since these things are rarely publicized in the media, and this led into an interesting conversation about the best ways to effect social change.  I was proud of my response, because I managed not to deny his blithe "social change is inevitable" attitude, but at the same time, I let him know that I see his view of gay rights as rosy and unrealistically ideal.  
7. Help out around the house.  Doing stuff you don't feel like doing is a nice way to show that you're still "into" the family. 
   
8. Realize that people DO change.  Try to see when people's attitudes ARE changing…  and if they are, try (as best you can) not to hold them too accountable for things they said five or six or 15 years ago.  Seriously, people change.  
9. Realize that yes, certain things are going to be a little bit weird.  In some families, there's an adjustment period--and it can last *years*. A lot of parents go through this "mourning" period, where they spend a lot of time thinking about how different your life is going to be from how they thought your life would be.  You don't have to understand why this is, and you don't have to like it.  But you should know that your coming out affected other people, not just you.
10. Dress nicely.  Even if family members are made uncomfortable by your gender-nonconforming wardrobe, at least they know you care.
11. Warn your significant other about your crazy homophobic uncle ahead of time.  In general, it's not a bad idea to warn people about other people's trigger points.  (The exception: any sadistic and/or passive-aggressive family members who will then make SURE to bring up these points.)
12. Don't assume that people will automatically know how to make you comfortable.  I know this may sound silly to you, since you're used to being around people of all kinds of different orientations and gender expressions, but genderqueerness really throws some straight people off their game.  If there's something they can make you do to make you feel more welcomed, tell them!  They may or may not say yes to your request to avoid gendered pronouns, bring some friends with you, stop using a childhood nickname, or call your girlfriend your "partner."  But then again, they might.  The important thing is that you're communicating; even if they don't pick up on stuff right away, at least they understand you a little bit better.
13. Show that you're willing to talk about gay things, and that your life isn't taboo (well, unless it is).  For example, your mom might not know that it's okay to ask you about your dating life, or to talk to you about whether you want to have kids someday.  You can open the conversation by mentioning these things offhandedly yourself.  Or you can even say something like, "Hey, I used to be sensitive about personal stuff when I first came out, but I just want you to know that you can ask me whatever you want about my life and it doesn't bug me.  If something is uncomfortable, I'll tell you."  (If they say something absurd, like, "I don't want to hear about your sinful homosexual lifestyle," they don't deserve to know anything about your awesome self.)
14. Take care of yourself.  If that means staying at a hotel, getting quiet time, taking a walk by yourself, sitting something out, do it.  Your mental health is pretty darn important.
    
15. Realize that, by and large, we are all doing the best we can.