I had a phone argument with an insurance company this morning. As a result, I decided to wear a tie to work. Wearing a tie puts me in a good mood. Today's selection was silver plaid on grey--a Calvin Klein tie I picked up last year either at Ross or Macy's, and a Geoffrey Beene shirt I found at Goodwill. I've been liking monochromatic look lately, with a loosened tie.
It's strange to feel as though I look my best, but simultaneously know that others think I'm trying to be nonconformist. I don't mind *being* nonconformist, but I don't like that that people might think I dress as I do to TRY to be nonconformist; I'm just being me.
The unhappy fact, though, is that when I *do* put on a tie in the morning, I spend a few moments mentally combing through my schedule, making sure my attire is appropriate for every setting I'll be in. Not just the level of formality--which I'm guessing everyone thinks about--but the appropriateness of my apparent "deviance." I'd like to say that I don't care what other people think, but in a professional setting, that's not always true. I want to do what's best for me AND my career AND my self-esteem, and sometimes these paths don't align.
I also don't like that wearing a tie makes some people assume I'm trans. I'm not. I support people who want to transition; I'm just not one of them, and I don't like people thinking I am. I'm not sure why I care. Maybe it has to do with the centrality of gender identity. That is, just as it's (often) important to trans men to be perceived and recognized AS men, it's important to me to be perceived and recognized AS a woman.