Yesterday evening was a little trippy, but wonderful. I went out for dinner with my girlfriend, my ex-husband, my ex-girlfriend and her girlfriend, and another couple. My ex-husband thought it was *hilarious* that I had slept with half the people at the table. He and my gf were kind of making fun of me together, and I loved it, because they're two of the most important people in my life, and if I can spend time with both of them together, it makes my life feel a lot more complete.
I wonder how other butches out there balance their past and present, especially if they are still close to people who knew them before they were out as gay--or even before they were "out" as butch (to the extent that one comes "out" as butch--more on this another time). At the root of it all, I'm still the same person that I was five years ago, but I look different and carry myself differently, and am much more confident in who I am. It's got to be strange for people to see someone they care about so much go through such a big transformation.
I don't want to discount the extreme pain that can result when one's relationship with others changes. God knows I went through things I'd never want to relive. I'll probably blog in more detail about this later, but my divorce, and the couple of years leading up to it, were the worst time in my life. But it's also worth noting that it's absolutely remarkable what people can get used to, and what they can come to see as "normal"--especially if, at the root of it all, they really love each other.