Reflections on Testosterone and Female Masculinity

I'm writing this post to help me think through a reaction I've felt recently.  I don't fully understand it, so bear with me.  I've written a bunch about trans issues in the past--for example, explaining how dysphoria can be experienced by non-trans people, the differences between butch women and trans men, discussing some infuriating anti-trans sentiments in the lesbian community and the tension between butch women and trans men, and giving advice to a reader trying to figure out whether he or she was trans.  I'm interested in trans issues not only because equality and respect for trans individuals is fundamentally important to the queer community at large, but also because understanding people's transphobic impulses can tell us a great deal about how we understand sex and gender.

So here's what's been bothering me.  Lately, I've met a number of people who identify as butch women (and sometimes, but not always, as genderqueer), and who exclusively use feminine pronouns (she, her, hers), and who also modify their bodies in various ways consistent with popular understandings of masculinity: specifically, taking moderate amounts of testosterone, which (particularly if paired with certain kinds of physical activity) can result in major masculinization of the jawline/shoulders/etc.  So as a result, many of these women look way more "masculine" than a woman who does not take supplemental testosterone.  The fact that this is a trend does not bother me; people should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies.  What bothers me is my own reaction.  There's a little piece of me that feels like they are "cheating" or "having it both ways" by taking testosterone but not being trans.  My internal reaction is super disturbing to me, because on an intellectual and spiritual level, there is literally no reason for me to feel even a little bit uncomfortable!  It makes no sense.  My own reaction is intolerant, wrong, and inconsistent with my values.

So here's what I think is going on.  On most people's idea of what a "woman" is, I am pretty far on the masculine end of the spectrum.  I like being a masculine woman; it is who I am.  And I would like to think that my satisfaction with my own identity is wholly internal.  But, of course, this is impossible; we are social animals, after all.  When I see a trans man, I am not "threatened" or bothered in the least, even viscerally. He's in a different category from me.  He is a man.  But the women I am describing take male hormones and identify as women.  They put themselves in the same category as me: masculine woman.  But since they are taking testosterone and making their bodies and presentations more masculine, I feel less masculine in comparison to other people in my "masculine women" category.  Maybe my discomfort comes from this perceived threat to my masculinity.  If so, this is interesting but disturbing, in part because I like to think of my own identity as self-contained--as stemming from me, not from my relationship to the rest of society.  Except, of course, that I don't exist in a vacuum.

As you can tell, I haven't thought this through completely, but I wonder if anyone else has felt anything like this. I talk to butch women occasionally who say that they feel "pressure" to transition.  I can honestly say that no one has ever pressured me to become trans (although occasionally people assume that I must be "at least thinking about it," since so many of the masculine women they used to know have become men). There is not much personal allure for me in the idea of existing as a man.  I like being a woman.  But I guess I also like being a masculine one, and I guess that that masculinity is more precarious than I would sometimes like to acknowledge.