Search Terms Roundup

Happy 2013!  I've been sicker than a proverbial canine the past few days, and I think it's the flu.  For me, one of the worst things about having the flu is the caffeine withdrawal headache.  With a regular cold, I can power down a cup or two of coffee even when I don't feel like it.  But with the flu, NO way is anything going into my mouth besides saltines and watered-down Gatorade.  Which means a massive caffeine-withdrawal headache on top of the chills and nausea.  It's the only time I've thought seriously about popping caffeine pills.  But I resisted, because when you don't have caffeine for a few days and then you have it again, it's like, KA-POW!  (In a good way.)

Anyway, I thought I'd start the year by posting December's best search terms!  There were quite a few goodies last month that somehow landed people on Butch Wonders...

• "LESBIAN BUTCH" (This is a pretty common search term to get to my blog, but I love that 13 people searched for it in ALL CAPS.  Did they think that they would get DIFFERENT, SLIGHTLY LOUDER RESULTS?)
• "if someone asks you if you a boxer does it mean they want to have sex with you"  (Yes, it does.)
• "Dr.????PASCAL?????"  (Is???IT REALLY????YOU???)
• "what to call a cute butch"  (I usually go with either "You boxer" or "Dr. Pascal.")
• "men lycra sexy costume"  (A costume search oxymoron?)
• "lesbian porn two girls sweater vest"  ([Cue cheesy music]  Oh, Darla, look.  There's only sweater vest...  Looks like we will have to share.  [Meaningful glance])
• "gayism ends at age of 30 years"  (Ever since my gayism cleared up, my nasal congestion and burning sensations are gone!)
• "wearing a white tshirt and belt means you are lesbian"  (Duh.)
• "if a gir emails another woman everyday is she gay"  (For sure.)
  
• "sexy man with cape"  (Can it be a lycra cape?)
• "hamster nipplepircing on girles"  (Any way you slice it, this is an awkward search.)
• "butchy smack"  (I'ma talk some butchy smack at you.)
• "butch glue" (Your butchy smack bounces off me and sticks to you!)
• "cute university colors in california"  (Worst possible way to choose a college)
• "being gay at christmas"  (I like the idea of changing your sexual orientation for a holiday.  This Easter, I'll be straight!  Flag Day?  Bi!)
• "surprised gays having sex"  (Do you think they didn't know it was Christmas, then they woke up having sex and were like, "Oh--I totally forgot that we are gay at Christmas...")
  
• "i love surprises gay"  (Well, then merry Christmas!)
  
• "Some people favourite some weird stuff.. I'll tweet "on my way home" and someone will favourite it like a goat"  (Aaargh, yes!  Farm animals are always favoriting my most boring tweets!  Grr!)
• "should women serve on juries"  (Don't women have enough rights already?)
• "uncomfortably sexy german man"  (Hallo.  Mein name eez Dieter.  I ahm very sexy but it maakes me so uncahmftoble.)
• "i don't get confused while shopping for clothes"  (Big whoop.  I don't get confused when I'm at the grocery store or the dry cleaner.)
• "gayest looking man"  (Here is my submission.  This is also a fave.)
• "10 things butch lesbians like in bed"  (1. pillows; 2. sheets; 3. duvets; 4. books; 5. socks; 6. iPhones; 7. blankets; 8. puppies; 9. hot chocolate; 10. saltines.)
• "how to maintain peace with a hipster butch"  (Whenever she mentions a band, say, "Whoa, I've never heard of them.")
• "tools aren't butch"  (Untrue.)
• "abstract llbean"  (Theoretical REI.  Conceptual Target.  Ideational Macy's Mens.  It's a postmodern shopping extravaganza!)
• "is ellen a dyke because she wears men's clothing"  (Yes!  Men's clothing turns straight women gay!  I put on a men's vest back in '06 and I've never recovered.)
• "what make women become dyke"  (Women wear men clothes women become dyke so weird but so fun!)
  
• "flirting with my tie"  (That seems like a last resort.  Have you tried online dating?  Or dressing a cute straight girl in men's clothes?)
• "pictures of my old gay clock"  (Here's one!)
  
• "1 so good store that people would be so intrestid in and it has to be writen in"  (Worst business plan ever.)
• "lesbian, the girl seems awkward with my presence"  (Perhaps the girl lesbian is just awkward with your sentence construction.)

• "ways to bring a lesbian demon in the girls bedroom"  (You are creepy.  Please put down the Internet machine and call a friend.)
  
• "Im butch lez so do i make a good decision by buying my g.f a box of chocolate and card?"  (If she likes unimaginative convention, you're so on it!)
• "teen lesbians showing thier boobs and in mood of dangerous"  (I'm going to be in mood of dangerous if your writing doesn't improve.)
• "be kind to the straight people"  (They can't help it, the poor dears.)
• "how to wear a banana swim suit"  (A banana is not a sufficient swimsuit!  Tangerines and strawberries are out, too.  Maybe a really big watermelon, though.  Maybe.)
• "lesbians who use restrooms to get girls"  (Hey, baby.  Been to this restroom before?  Yeah, it's one of my favorites, too.  Want to check out the toilet paper?)
• "amanda palmer impostor syndrome"  (A little-known syndrome in which the sufferer believes he or she is named "Amanda Palmer.")
• "hit butch lesbians"  (Ack!  Please don't!)
• "lesbian drees"  (Get yer lesbian drees!  Right here, only ten dollars a dree!  Limited time only!)
• "leopard pocket shirt general pants"  (For those days when you want an extremely specific shirt, but you want your pants to be applicable to pretty much everyone.)
• "just because you are gay doesn't mean you like straight people"  (That's right!  And being a dolphin doesn't mean you like cats.  And being a wrestler doesn't mean you like baseball players.)
• "how to know if youre the butch one"  (If you're googling it, you're probably not the butch one.)
• "would a tattoo of five stars in different sizes on the right foot mean you're lesbian?"  (Yes.)  
• "what Christmas present to buy the butchy b**** you don't like"  (I'm not sure which is weirder--the fact that this person is putting so much effort into buying a present for someone they don't like, or that they conducted their search with "b****" instead of "bitch," or that they thought that this was an actual genre of gifting.)
• "pod bielu koselu tricko"  (What?)
• "ONE DIRECTION BINGO"  (SOUNDS PRETTY STRICT.)
• "sexy hanukkah costume"  (You've got my dreidel spinnin', baby.)  
• "i like calling my girlfriend mama lesbian"  (For some reason, I hope that this isn't a lesbian who calls her girlfriend "mama," but a straight guy who likes to call his girlfriend "mama lesbian.")
• "Monopoly sex"  (Buy me a railroad, baby!  Put up a hotel on Illinois Avenue!  Then cover me in fake pastel money!  Yeeeees, that's what mama lesbian likes!)
• "ashton kutcher wikipedia español"  (How did this person get to Butch Wonders?)
• "if there is a four year difference in age can we still date in oregon"  (Four-year age differences are illegal in Oregon.  Five-year age differences are fine, though.)
  
• "if you're 18 years of age can you hit someone younger than you?"  (No; you have to wait till you're 63 to hit someone younger.  Except in Oregon.)
• "lion suit good gents"  (Because every good gent fancies a jungle animal dress-up day now and again.)
• "classy men doing classy things"  (Like dressing up as a lion!)
  
• "mens toilet paper outfit"  (Another classy option for a classy man!)
• "classy guy wearing a long plaid skirt"  (This month's searches abound with classy options!)
  
• "how to make everyone know someone is gay" (Flier the building.)
• "where can i buy a penis cake pan in grand island nebraska"  You are way too exciting for Grand Island, Nebraska.)
• "what to say when someone asks who the girl is in a gay relationship"  (Tell 'em, "If you can't figure it out yourself, that means you're gay, too!")
• "whole knitted man suit"  (Yes, this is obviously a bad idea, but you may not grasp how bad unless you see it.)

That's it for today, folks.  Back to my watered-down Gatorade!  Much love to you for the new year!