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Sh*t People Say to Lesbians Who Have Kids

12/5/2013

17 Comments

 
Last month, I posted a list of things that well-meaning-but-misguided people tend to say to childless lesbians.  On my Facebook page, a few readers mentioned that people say equally irritating and/or idiotic things to lesbians who have kids.  Here are some of their least favorites:

  • "How did you get your kids?"  [Fed-Ex brought them.  I didn't even have to sign!]
  • "So you were married to a man before, then?"  [No, which is why I'm so confused about how these kids got here.]
  • "Are you his real mom?"  [Nope.  I'm the fake one.]
  • "Does he have a dad?"  [Nope.  Immaculate conception.]
  • (Incredulously) "YOU have KIDS??"  [I know!  Apparently the stork is less discriminatory than most state legislatures.]
  • "But won't she be bullied?" [Not if your kids leave her alone.]
  • "Don't you think he needs a male influence?"  [Yeah, just like all those kids who are influenced by abusive, alcoholic, or absent fathers?  Clearly having a caregiver with a penis makes all the difference.]
  • "Aren't you worried that they're going to grow up and be gay?"  [Terribly.  I lay awake nights!]
  • "Oh so you weren't always gay?  You have kids, so it must not have always been horrible being straight."  [...]
  • "Is your kid okay with you being a lesbian?"  [Is your kid okay with you having no manners?]
  • "Do you feel bad knowing she'll be picked on because of your choices?"  [Do you feel bad knowing that intelligence is partly genetic?]
  • "Do both your kids have the same dad?"  [Congrats!  You've just won the things-that-aren't-your-business identification award!]
  • (Said to the butch half of a butch-femme couple): "You're the one that had the kid?"  [Yeah!  They didn't take my ovaries away when I started wearing ties!  Hooray!]
  • (Also said to a pregnant butch): "Well, I guess you'll have to start dressing/acting like a mom, and not so.... um... like a dad."  [The ignorance!  It burns!]

Seriously, people.  Let me give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're beside yourself with joy and curiosity about a child or a pregnancy that is not your own.  It is very, very rude to ask someone you barely know about the biological details of how his or her children came to be, or to offer your unsolicited, pop-pseudo-psychological opinion about how the family arrangement is likely to affect the child.

Q: But what if I really want to know?
A: That's what the Internet is for.

Q: But I'm a total supporter of gay rights!  So it's okay if I ask, right?
A: No.

Q: What if the person I want to ask is a friend or family member?
A: Possibly fine.  But this varies based on the person.  Some folks will talk your ear off about IVF; others will want to smack you for asking.  If the person is a friend, you probably already know the deets or would feel comfortable saying something like, "Hey, I had a few questions about the biological aspects of your pregnancy.  Would it be okay if I asked you about it?  If not, I certainly understand."

Q: Oh, good!  I can ask my lesbian co-worker how she got pregnant!
A: NO. 
When I say "friend," I'm talking about someone with whom you hang out socially, on a voluntary basis.  Just seeing someone at work functions, PTA meetings, or the post office doesn't count.

Q: Oh, good--so I can tell my lesbian daughter that her son needs a male influence?
A: NO.  The aforementioned ban on
unsolicited, pop-pseudo-psychological opinions about someone's child-rearing decisions applies to friends and family members as well.

Any queer parents out there want to add something I missed?  Drop me a line or post a comment below!
17 Comments
Kerri
12/5/2013 02:40:06 am

I used to get asked if my kids were mine or my
Partners by total strangers. I'd just answer " yes"!

Reply
Melissa
12/5/2013 02:57:05 am

I get people that ask questions on a regular basis four of my six children are adopted as well but I don't think there's anything wrong with people asking questions I think in order to educate the world people are curious and it's human nature to be curious so I think that if we want others to accept things the way they are then we need to be open to answering questions.

Reply
Sylvia
12/6/2013 12:55:25 pm

I agree...But the people that are asking just need to have a better approach and not be so rude.

Reply
Sarah`
12/5/2013 03:00:43 am

The most regular question I get is, "How did you pick the donor?"

Reply
FCBarcelona1899
12/5/2013 03:23:56 am

To me it would be common sense not to dip my nose into other peoples' lives. People shouldn't get involved with things that have nothing to do with them to begin with.
It amazes me how upset some people-strangers get when you say you're not interested in having kids.

Reply
KC
12/5/2013 03:38:19 am

I got called in to the school counselors office at my daughter's middle school. With my daughter present, she informed me that she knew I was gay (it wasn't a secret). She asked if I'd ever considered how that might affect my child (she had no issues with it). This was not a very long time ago, though it does sound right out of 1962.

Reply
Kels
12/5/2013 05:25:31 am

Yeah biggest question for us is the "how did the kids take it (that you're gay)?" -- "the same way they took the news that I was wearing a red sweater today."

Reply
Oscar
12/5/2013 08:09:53 am

Thanks for the article! As a fellow queer though, I'm not cool with the cissexism:
"[Yeah, just like all those kids who are influenced by abusive, alcoholic, or absent fathers? Clearly having a caregiver with a penis makes all the difference.]"

Transgender people exist. Some lesbians have penises. Some men have vaginas. Please don't assume that lesbian = cisgender woman.

Reply
BW link
12/5/2013 10:40:41 am

Totally fair. I make those kinds of generalizations sometimes, I know, and I totally don't mean any disrespect to trans* folks. Sorry about that.

Reply
BW link
12/5/2013 10:43:11 am

And along the same line, is it even fair to use the terms "penis" and "vagina," since it tends to erase intersex folks?

Farish
12/26/2013 10:57:33 pm

Yes, trans people do exist. Of course no lesbian has a penis. Certainly no male has a vagina. Lesbians are XX females with female genitalia (real female genitalia, not the trans version) who are attracted only to other XX females--without a dick--for love and romance and sex.

Males have XY chromosomes and dicks. A surgically altered dick is not a vagina; and lesbians, by definition, are uninterested in them.

Trans are trying hard to co-opt the definitions of male and female into their own purposes. Lesbians--especially butches--and gays need to remain vigilant, so as not to find themselves absorbed into the Borg of trans definitions and dogma.

It's time to get the T out of LGB. Let them fight their own battles, instead of riding our coattails.

Reply
Rude much, Farish?
2/25/2014 11:06:26 pm

Stop making sweeping generalizations for all lesbian-identified or gay-identified people. People who know themselves to be women, who are primarily attracted to other people who know themselves to be women, may call themselves lesbians regardless of the makeup of their chromosomes, hormones, reproductive organs, or genitalia. You seem to be a lesbian who is more narrowly attracted to cisgender women with the typical chromosomal makeup and an intact set of female reproductive parts. You have the right to that, but stop trying to police other people's identities.

springbyker link
12/6/2013 01:26:10 am

Hilarious replies to dumb, rude questions, as usual. Thanks for this post!

Reply
Merlin
12/7/2013 09:46:48 pm

Thankfully, most people seem to ask me those kind of questions in a more diplomatic way, but they still ask those questions. I often get "did you adopt? Oh, we'll then which one of you had her?" Or ( after hearing we have a known donor) "is he involved? (Yes) well that's good that she'll have a male role model." Yeah, cause a) that sooooo important to us :p and b) there's not her uncles, grandfathers, our male friends, trans male and genderqueer friends and family, and like everyone else in her life. No, no "male" influence at all.

Reply
jonah link
12/9/2013 02:17:58 am

don't forget "then who's the father?" and "which one is yours? no - which one is *really* yours?" and "do you feel a stronger connection to the one you gave birth to (sometimes asked to your *real* daughter) than the one your partner gave birth to?"
"what does their dad think?" "do they look like their dad?" ugh. they have a biological donor. a spermsicle. a catalogue number. they do not have a dad. dad implies social role. they have a mama and a mommy.

Reply
Kelly
12/13/2013 01:17:11 am

How about no, but are they really yours? did you carry them? Oh, then congratulations! Are you sure they have the same father? (What, do they think there could have been a drive by sperming?) Do you know who the father is? were they planned?

Reply
Kyle link
12/18/2013 09:40:52 am

Ohhhh, yes, we've been through all of those. We especially love the assumption that my wife, who appears more feminine, must be the biological parent (or real parent, if they are especially rude)... they say this even when my bio child and I are sitting next to each other and the evidence of our genetic connection is blazingly obvious (she is my mini-me). arggggg... but we will talk your ear off about AI and all the technical details of how we got pregnant. I've given many, many workshops on AI over the years.

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