Sh*t People Say to Lesbians Who Have Kids

Last month, I posted a list of things that well-meaning-but-misguided people tend to say to childless lesbians.  On my Facebook page, a few readers mentioned that people say equally irritating and/or idiotic things to lesbians who have kids.  Here are some of their least favorites:

• "How did you get your kids?"  [Fed-Ex brought them.  I didn't even have to sign!]
• "So you were married to a man before, then?"  [No, which is why I'm so confused about how these kids got here.]
• "Are you his real mom?"  [Nope.  I'm the fake one.]
• "Does he have a dad?"  [Nope.  Immaculate conception.]
• (Incredulously) "YOU have KIDS??"  [I know!  Apparently the stork is less discriminatory than most state legislatures.]
  
• "But won't she be bullied?" [Not if your kids leave her alone.]
• "Don't you think he needs a male influence?"  [Yeah, just like all those kids who are influenced by abusive, alcoholic, or absent fathers?  Clearly having a caregiver with a penis makes all the difference.]
• "Aren't you worried that they're going to grow up and be gay?"  [Terribly.  I lay awake nights!]
  
• "Oh so you weren't always gay?  You have kids, so it must not have always been horrible being straight."  [...]
• "Is your kid okay with you being a lesbian?"  [Is your kid okay with you having no manners?]
• "Do you feel bad knowing she'll be picked on because of your choices?"  [Do you feel bad knowing that intelligence is partly genetic?]
• "Do both your kids have the same dad?"  [Congrats!  You've just won the things-that-aren't-your-business identification award!]
• (Said to the butch half of a butch-femme couple): "You're the one that had the kid?"  [Yeah!  They didn't take my ovaries away when I started wearing ties!  Hooray!]
• (Also said to a pregnant butch): "Well, I guess you'll have to start dressing/acting like a mom, and not so.... um... like a dad."  [The ignorance!  It burns!]
  

Seriously, people.  Let me give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're beside yourself with joy and curiosity about a child or a pregnancy that is not your own.  It is very, very rude to ask someone you barely know about the biological details of how his or her children came to be, or to offer your unsolicited, pop-pseudo-psychological opinion about how the family arrangement is likely to affect the child.

Q: But what if I really want to know?
A: That's what the Internet is for.

Q: But I'm a total supporter of gay rights!  So it's okay if I ask, right?
A: No.

Q: What if the person I want to ask is a friend or family member?
A: Possibly fine.  But this varies based on the person.  Some folks will talk your ear off about IVF; others will want to smack you for asking.  If the person is a friend, you probably already know the deets or would feel comfortable saying something like, "Hey, I had a few questions about the biological aspects of your pregnancy.  Would it be okay if I asked you about it?  If not, I certainly understand."

Q: Oh, good!  I can ask my lesbian co-worker how she got pregnant!
A: NO.  When I say "friend," I'm talking about someone with whom you hang out socially, on a voluntary basis.  Just seeing someone at work functions, PTA meetings, or the post office doesn't count.

Q: Oh, good--so I can tell my lesbian daughter that her son needs a male influence?
A: NO.  The aforementioned ban on unsolicited, pop-pseudo-psychological opinions about someone's child-rearing decisions applies to friends and family members as well.

Any queer parents out there want to add something I missed?  Drop me a line or post a comment below!