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Okay, I'm hesitating to post this because it makes me seem way more curmudgeonly than I actually (think I) am. Oh well. I should also say that at least for me, and maybe for other people, none of this applies if you're a close friend or close family member. It's more when acquaintances or (godfuhbid) strangers offer their advice that I blanch. What you say: There are soooo many options for people who want kids!
What I hear: You're probably too stupid to figure this out, but you can procreate without having sex with a man! What you say: But you'd be such a good parent! What I think: I'd also be a good race car driver, occupational therapist, or professional shoeshiner. Natural predilection does not a destiny make. What you say: Some people are too selfish to have kids. What I hear: You are selfish and shallow. Unless you have kids. In which case all is forgiven. But I thought better of you. Now you just make me sad. What you say: You could always adopt! What I think: No sh*t. What you say: Lots of lesbians are having kids these days! What I think: Lots of lesbians are also chain-smokers, alcoholics, drug users, glue-sniffers, head cases, doctors, truckers, and couch potatoes. So? What you (usually another lesbian) say: My mom didn't fully accept my partner and me until we had kids. But now that she has grandkids, we're closer than ever. What I hear: Your mother will never fully love you until you procreate. What you say: There are SO many children out there who need good homes. What I think: So why didn't you adopt instead of having biological kids? Oh--you're scared you'll end up with a crack baby or a psychopath from a Russian orphanage who's never been held? But I should go for it? Thaaanks. What you say: NO one thinks they want kids. Then they have them and they're glad they did. What I think: Am I the only person in the world who's ever heard of cognitive dissonance? What you say: Are you thinking of having a family? What I think: So, me + DGF + slightly swollen canine ≠ "family?" Screw you. What you say: You haven't lived a full life unless you have kids. What I hear: Your life is invalid. There's only one way to redeem yourself, and it smells like diapers. What you say: You may think you know what love is, but you don't really know what love is until you have kids. What I hear: All your feelings are pathetic, shallow, and invalid--mere shadows of what they could have been. Alas! Okay, so I'm being melodramatic, but you get the idea. I actually don't think the pressure is nearly as bad for lesbian and gay couples who don't want kids, as it is for straight couples who don't want kids. People basically assume that opposite-sex couples are going to have kids, and that if they don't, it's because there's something biologically "wrong" with them. Instead of just getting asked, "Do you think you'll have kids someday?", people will ask questions like, "Do you think you're going to... start trying?" OMG.
11 Comments
11/21/2013 04:06:16 am
Sometimes it seems to me that these days every lesbian/lesbian couple either is married and has kids, or is talking about getting married and having kids. I've never had the slightest desire to have kids, nor to be with anyone who has kids, and at 43 and still feeling that way it ain't gonna change. I've heard some of the above things said, and even more bewildering is "Oh you're just not used to kids!" / "Oh you'd get used to them!" There are a lot of things in this world which you can "get used to" ( i.e. the perpetual bad weather in the UK...a boss you hate... not having the same waist size you did when you were 21 ) but I don't think kids should be one of those things. A person does not need to have children to lead a satisfying and meaningful life. And there are plenty of other ways of leaving a 'legacy' of your existence, if that's what you want.
caz
11/21/2013 05:20:15 am
After seeing all the heartache some families go through with their children, I'm pleased to have made the decision not to have them.
Shae
11/21/2013 07:28:23 am
I love that you put this out there! There's a lot of pressure, in fact, too much pressure to have kids these days. Then there's all the things parents tell non-parents that make us feel worthless because we have decided to be willfully childless. My partner and I made this decision and it's a very personal decision. No one should be pressured into having kids. I'm glad that when I was married to a man (and now divorced, yay!!!) that I chose to stick to not having kids. I had a miserable marriage and life until I finally came out to my family and friends. I would've had a child I regretted and non of it would've been a good thing. There's too much pressure from society on having kids and then they tell you how to raise them. Just because you choose not to have children, it doesn't make you less valuable to society.
Samantha
11/21/2013 07:47:58 am
Ha! To the second last one. I watched my niece enter this world and it was the best. We have such a strong bond and my life as an auntie is awesome! Some people have kids for good reasons and some people have kids because they're lonely or terrified that they'll never accomplish anything meaningful and they use their kids as an excuse. Am I supposed to feel bad about myself because I'm 27 and don't know if I'll have kids? Forget that. Also, some straight friends of mine adopted a child and when I tell people about it, right away the first response I get is, "OMG! Were they unable to conceive?" What? Why is that shameful? Shouldn't that be really cool that they love a child who doesn't share their DNA? I'm not understanding this point system!
Rauko
11/21/2013 05:19:24 pm
This conversation is one i had have so many times...
Kali
11/22/2013 02:20:23 am
See I got the opposite, when my work colleagues brought up kids and I said I'd love to have one someday, they stared at me like I had 5 heads. Because I'm butch, right, so obviously I reject everything even vaguely associated with feminimity, including motherhood. And they were evn more mind blown when I said it would be me and not my rather femme new girlfriend who would be carrying the first one, should we decide to have any.
BlueDiamondLady
11/22/2013 04:26:25 am
I have been avoiding theses posts for one reason. I love my children, but I think kids are highly overrated. If I was standing next to you holding a drink, you would be aghast, shocked, and appalled. All right, maybe not you, but I have tried this before in a mostly straight crowd and once in a gay crowd, and it doesn't go over very well. I'm glad for the anonymity here. I thought I wanted kids. I did my best, but I don't think I was a particularly great mom. My kids say I was good, my xh thought so until I came out, but I don't feel all that successful. I say this as I'm getting ready to visit my granddaughter who is the light in my eyes. I was meant to be a grandmother, just not mother. I would choose not to have kids.
Anne
11/26/2013 02:45:37 am
Definitely heard some of these before but like many others im 47 and have never had that maternal clock ticking (I think the battery was taken out of my maternal clock when I turned 10). My wife didn't want kids either and we are quite happy with our 'family' of 4 dogs and us - its more than enough and feels like a family to us.
Ahh... well meaning strangers. They make me want to pull all my hair out. Leave a Reply. |
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