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The Additive Effect of Butchness

5/26/2011

11 Comments

 
I enjoy creative writing, and I'm part of a writing group that meets 2-3 times a month.  It's quite small, and comprises people for whom creative writing is not their main professional focus.

Today I workshopped the first chapter of a novel I started a long time ago, wrote a draft of, then stashed away for a few years.  Honestly, I was excited about it; I thought it was reasonably good,  certainly entertaining, and I was looking forward to using the group's encouragement to bolster my resolve to revise the damn thing and send it to an agent.

My writing group hated it.

For those of you who have never participated in a writing workshop, it goes something like this:
  1. You send something you've written to everyone in your group.
  2. They print it out and read it, marking on it as they go.
  3. They each write a letter to you about your work (but don't send it).
  4. A week later, you all show up to workshop. 
  5. You are asked to read a paragraph or two of the work out loud.
  6. You do this, cringing at the wretched inadequacy of your own voice to bring your characters to life.
  7. Everyone talks about the piece--usually, but not always, beginning with the things they liked best.  If they are silent at the start, it's a bad sign.
  8. You, the writer, can't say anything while they discuss your piece.
  9. After 30-45 minutes of discussion, you may ask the group any remaining questions you have.
  10. Everyone gives you back their marked-up copies of your draft, along with the letter they wrote to you.

Earlier this evening, when the members of my writing group were talking about how much they loathe my protagonist and how bad the writing is (I'm exaggerating, but not by much), I sat there in my plain black T-shirt and grey jeans and felt very, very small.  I even started to write small.  The words on my notepad grew tinier and tinier, until I was reduced to making thin horizontal lines in place of words.

Why am I bringing up my creative writing foibles in a blog about butchness?  Here's the connection: Somehow, sitting silently in the group, I felt extra pathetic for my butchiness.  I felt smaller, like more of an outcast.  (I'm not the only queer person in the group, either; it's really not the group's fault.)

This made me realize that when things are going well and I'm happy and proud, my butchness has an additive effect; I feel more complete, more "me," somehow.  But when things are going poorly and I'm sad or embarrassed or ashamed or dejected, my butchness has the opposite effect--it makes me feel extra lousy about who I am.  It erodes my confidence and underscores any feelings of difference and alienation.  I don't know quite why that is, and I wonder whether other butches have ever experienced something similar.
11 Comments
MadMax
5/26/2011 05:13:55 pm

I just stumbled upon your blog. Really quite randomly (except for the butch thing, that's what I was looking at. So it wasn't that random)

And I read this post.

And I TOTALLY could have written that last paragraph. No as well as you did, but the content = my life.

It's no doubt got something to do with being on the edge of society etc etc. Where ever it comes from, it's so real.

Now I will read more of your blog because I think we have a bit of a shared understanding.

Thanks.

Reply
Anne
5/27/2011 12:19:48 am

Thankyou for writing about this.

I think some of these feelings are just caused by being 'different' or 'apart from' the group - even other lesbians sometimes dont understand the whole butch thing. Butchness, whilst providing strength (because its who you are) can sometimes place additional pressure on us to behave in a certain way. To be able to accept criticism in exactly the same way as one might accept praise.
But really, who can do that when what you are being criticised about means something to you and you're own perception of it is so very different.

Why not share what you wrote (or some of it) on this blog and see what your readers think? Because it may be that your protaganist isn's awful but just not appealing to those in the group - nothing wrong with that - we cant all like everything.
It may help to restore the strength that you get from your butchness.

Reply
Cass link
5/27/2011 03:17:22 am

I too am not a "writer". Therefore, I won't even attempt to eloquently put into written word how I felt reading your blog or how it relates to me. I can't. What I will say is that I feel intensely the same way and I am both overjoyed and saddened that you do as well.

Reply
Amber link
5/30/2011 01:12:52 pm

: (

This hurts my heart.

Reply
South Carolina Boy link
6/3/2011 12:03:58 pm

Comment spamming you today! Sorry....

I know last summer when I was working in this restaurant, first started changing my clothes/presentation, and trying to walk right, pitch my voice lower, smile differently...I would do all right until I got yelled at for something, or made a mistake, or did something embarrassing. THAT was when I switched instantly back into "girl mode". I figure the reason is as long as I did that, then I was just a ditzy girl. But if I was expressing my masculinity/maleness at all, then I had a fear in the back of my mind that people would link whatever I did wrong to my masculinity/maleness, and attribute my shortcomings to my gender expression. This part of me was precious, so it needed protection. I try to resist that urge to hide when I feel like that now but it's not easy.

We're made to feel so bad (by other people) if we deviate from their gender norms. I think it takes a lot of energy to constantly ward that off. Then something little comes along and all that negativity gets strengthened and magnified.

Reply
Jen
9/17/2022 03:42:42 pm

You have expressed this So well. Very insightful! Thank you for sharing!

Reply
Val.
6/7/2011 01:24:49 am

Hiya, bout the writer group part, I understand...had the same.

For the last paragraph you wrote about the butchy-ness feel you have, I got that part also... I talk about everything and anything everywhere, I m not shy at all (got rid of the shyness-factor when I was a teenager) knowing that a few weeks ago I was in a bad place, something kinda went on in my life that unbalanced me for a while...asking advice to a friend of mine, I BLUSHED....I actually blushed...red cheeks, shyness and stuttering all the way. (That is what got my friend totally panicked.)

Reply
DK link
6/15/2011 08:57:55 am

Echoing Amber: this made my heart hurt. Both for seeing a fellow writer getting raked over the coals, but also because that last paragraph made me sit up and go 'hey, I've felt that'. And it <i>sucks</i>.

I don't identify as butch now, but the feeling's not all that different as a transguy. Same sense of being flattened by your own armour when things go wrong.

Also, I think you write beautifully.

Reply
Lindsey
10/10/2011 08:47:18 am

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your strength in expressing this vulnerability has given me strength. You'll be with me vicariously next time I feel this awful weird emotion (which you've described to a T, might I add). So I'm not the only one... :)

Reply
M
10/13/2011 03:21:41 pm

i just stumbled across your blog, and I'm really glad I did. I totally identify with that last paragraph-- on good days, being masculine of center is what makes me awesome, and resilient, and brave. But when I'm feeling insecure or down, I can't shake the feeling that it adds to my problem, bringing up all these feelings of being gross and weird and unwanted again.

Reply
Michelle
11/22/2016 03:28:42 pm

I realize this is a very old blog post, yet it's very relevant today as well. This feeling isn't exclusively butch in nature. As a femme woman I can attest to having this same type of feeling many times. It can be very tough to hold your head high when you're experiencing this.

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