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The DXH Speaks, Part I

1/12/2012

6 Comments

 
_As regular BW readers know, I recently told my coming out story ("Coming Out Married") in five parts (links: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V).  When my DXH (that's Dear Ex-Husband, for the uninitiated) offered to tell his version of the story, I jumped at the chance.  I think this side of the story--that of those to whom we come out, and whose lives are dramatically altered as a result--deserves to be told, and heard.

My DXH's story will be posted in two installments.  His story starts during the business trip I describe in Part III.  (Oh, and he refers to me here as "B-Dubs," short for "BW.")


BDubs called and asked me if I had time to talk.  Very uncharacteristically, I said, “not really” because work was overwhelming. But she persisted and I relented.  After a little hedging, she said “I am not sure I am 100% straight.”  Laying on our bed, I let those words sink in a little bit.  I asked her what she meant and she said that she wasn’t sure, but she needed to tell me. In that moment, I straightened my back, squared my shoulders, and told her that it was going to be all right, that we were going to be all right.  She was coming home the next day and we could talk then.
 
Then I hung up the phone.  And cried.  For about an hour.
 
In that moment, I did not take what she said to be fatal to our marriage, but it was profound and I could hear the pain and relief in her voice.
 
I did not know then that we would be separated within six weeks and divorced within the year (at least we would decide to be divorced. Paperwork was never our strong point).
 
When BDubs got home the next day we left the airport and grabbed a late meal at a diner. There, we began a relationship talk that would last about a year and continue through separation, dating, holidays, and isolation. The constants were that we loved each other, we would do our best to take care of each other, and that we trusted each other.
 
What was I thinking at the time? In the early going, I felt very clear that this would be a fairly quick and clear issue.  In the beginning I, very logically and cleanly, divided the process onto two steps.  First, we had to figure out BDub’s sexuality; then we could figure out the implications for our marriage. I figured it was no use to contemplate the implications until after you knew what the issue was.  If she was a “5 percenter” then it may not be a big deal for us.  Clear.
 
Clear and fanciful.
 
In short order, it became obvious that this was not going to be a clean and quick process. First, BDubs was very reluctant.  She did not want us to get divorced and she was facing the prospect of a very scary change for her life.  And so I found myself trying to get my wife to kiss a girl (but not in the typical male way).
 
Second, underlying this neat intellectual, two-part framework was a profound and dark fear that I was going to lose my best friend.  I met that fear the first night she stayed over at somebody’s house.  That somebody happens to be her current DGF.  I think that might have been the worst day, or at least in the top five of worst days.  The night before I had practically pushed her out the door with a charge to sleep with somebody else (as long as the somebody was a female). By the time she came home, I was a wreck.  Out of my head pacing the apartment.  I envisioned BDubs and this woman having morning coffee and contemplating how to break it to me that she was going to be moving out and I would lose everything I had.
 
And thus emotion eats intellect for lunch.
 
We had to separate. We had to figure this out, but neither of us could handle living together as it was happening.  Our lease was up, and she moved to a place where we had been planning to move together, and I moved to my friend’s couch (the separation day and the initial splitting up of our house was torturous and also in the top five worst days). We settled into what we knew was going to be a longer process...


It's BW talking now: Wow, right?  Wow.  Even now, years later, I get choked up when I think and read about this.  I'll post the second half of his story in a day or two.  Meanwhile, how about some comments from readers who have gone through something similar?  Any men reading this who are, or were, married to lesbians? 
6 Comments
beelisty link
1/12/2012 04:19:27 am

my ex husband & i aren't in touch anymore, and i know that he'd tell a very different tale than i would about our split--because honestly, sexuality wasn't a central topic in our discussion until we'd already separated, but i just want to say that i think it's awesome that you're willing to speak your experience, DXH. thanks for sharing with all of us.

Reply
Tonya
1/12/2012 04:23:22 am

I wish everything with my ex husband went as smoothly as yours seemed to go. My coming out to my ex husband triggered his bipolarism. I went about everything the wrong way - I didn't know what I was doing, or if it was real, or just a desire. I kinda danced around the idea before I told my ex husband. But I wanted to know for sure, or at least a little bit, if it was what I wanted or not before telling him -- I was scared out of my mind to tell him. Not only would it mess up my marriage (married a total of 11 years), but we had children together. When it finally came out (I wasn't sure if I was bi or gay then), 3 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. We stayed married for an additional almost 5 years before we separated (we're still technically married, but haven't been together for a year and a half -- he hasn't filed, and I haven't been stable in the place to be able to meet the residency requirements to file myself), and had #4. Now... now I consider myself gay - 110%. He's still not over it - still likes to give me quilt trips about it... and he's been with someone for 1 1/2 years, and still not over me (at least it seems). I wish my ex husband was a 1/4 of supportive as yours was.

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Kat
1/12/2012 05:30:44 am

Wow. I wanted to tell my DXH right away, but my girlfriend did not think that was such a good idea since she felt she would immediately be blamed for everything...and she was friends with him, too. So, in the end, he ended up calling her and asking her what was wrong with our relationship and that he heard from MY MOTHER that I may be a lesbian (go figure). Anyway, she had to tell him that he should ask me if that was the case. What a year that was!

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e link
1/12/2012 06:38:44 am

What a compassionate and honest person your DXH is! I think it is lovely that you are still friends.

Neither my ex nor I were completely straight when we were together. He had experimented with men and I had been with women. I thought that I could be married to a man and let go of that part of myself. I was wrong about that. We divorced but not because of sex/gender issues. He turned violently bipolar and made my life and our daughter's a very scary world.

I haven't explored heterosexuality for a long time and don't intend to ever again. After a series of failed relationships, he has abstained from romantic commitment for quite a few years. It wouldn't surprise me to hear if he hooked up with a man ~ hopefully one who could hit him back. God, that sounds bitter. I meant it, though...

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Sue
1/12/2012 08:05:37 am

Coming out to my dxh on August 10, 2007 was a terrifying event. I had been married for almost 30 years and had two kids. It was surreal. I had to make sure that I was willing to "give up" everything we had built in order to live the life I wanted. My dd has been fine, but my ds is struggling.

We don't see each other at all and rarely talk(text). I do this for him, not for me. He has had some very bad emotional issues since his "best friend" came out and started dating girls. He has found a new woman, and they plan on getting married in the summer in Rehobeth Beach, DE. I kind of have to chuckle as this is the mid-Atlantic gay destination. His fiance has never been married....I think he has a type, lol.

He wants to invite me and my wife to the wedding......I don't think so, because then it becomes about us and not his new life. I also need to mention here that xmil would like to see my head on a pike in the middle of the town square and "she always knew I was gay." Don't they all!

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d~
11/17/2012 02:41:48 pm

i miss my husband.
i write this 20 years after i came out to him and most people, 7 years after he [emotionally] left, 5.5 years after he physically left, 11 months after i began living with my gf. [at his insistence].

i hope one day that he will be my dxh, but as of now we're not so close, altho' we are still legally married.
i came out to him about 3 hours after i figured it out myself, between one moment and the next....and he told me he knew. damn, man, why not tell me? ask me? hint? argh.
but literally nothing about our life changed.
years later after a friend put a rainbow sticker on my car and a co-worker of his noticed, he said 'o, she has all kinds of friends'. and he bought a rainbow umbrella for himself. beyond secure, he was an honorary lesbian.
fast forward after we moved to a big city. i fell in love with [oy] another married lesbian, who was closeted to all but peers. my husband adored her as well, and the three of us had a grand time hanging out, for about 5 years.
the he found a straight woman he preferred. 18 months later he moved out.
2 years later he moved back in - for convoluted job reasons. i moved out. he moved out. my girlfriend left her husband and moved in. and then my h asked/told / suggested i should move in with her and that he was ready to move on.
well, there were some significant details in the way, but i figured time would hash those out. so when i got the small book that was the divorce questionnaire and made him a copy and he didn't want it.....
he. didn't. want. it. huh? but i'm certainly not gonna force him. it's not like i can marry my also still legally married gf in this state.

so. we're not divorced. i assume his gf is not happy. maybe she is. maybe i'm her evil sister-wife and he blames me for not being free. maybe they don't think about marriage now after living together for awhile. [altho' she's already picked her colors and the lace for the dress]. maybe...i have no idea.

so i have a future [ will assume at this point] dxh, my gf has a husband who thinks it's a phase, her kids and family of origin are ok with it, my dad is ok with it, his family has no idea what's going on, my boss is ok with it....our gay as a three dollar bill roommate is ok with it, our friends just think i'm weird.... i do enjoy my totally conventional suburban unconventional life.

o, yeah, and thank goddess for the married but lesbian elist.

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