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The Holidaze Sets In.

12/14/2015

2 Comments

 
Most years since I've started this blog, I've written something about the holidays (e.g., a primer on Holiday Depression, a discussion about feeling alienated during holidays, some thoughts about "letting go" for the holidays, and my favorite, a guide to having your lesbian daughter home for the holidays).  You might think that all my reflection about the topic would mean that I have the holidays totally figured out.  Nailed.  Dialed.  Nope. 

When I was a kid, I loved the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas.  As an adult, notsomuch.  I don't like cold weather, for one (and the older I get, the less I like it, which leads me to think I'm getting wimpier with age).  But more importantly, I sometimes feel like I haven't gotten any better at dealing with the stuff that bothers me.  I feel anxious about not meeting people's expectations of what my life should look like (or more accurately, not meeting the "expectations" I assume others have, and which they may or may not actually hold). 

Specifically, this year I feel anxious about my decision to spend Christmas with my Dear Partner (DP) on an actual vacation for  the two of us (our first in years).   My parents are spending Christmas in a new tradition they started 6-7 years ago, with my brother and sister-in-law and their kids and my sister-in-law's family (her parents, grandma, sister, sister's husband, sometimes sister's husband's father, and occasionally a friend or two of theirs).   It's a great tradition for my niece and nephew, who get to spend every Christmas with both sets of grandparents (something I would have loved as a kid).  But it's not always ideal for my DP and I.  We've joined about half the time.  I feel guilty when I don't go, but a bit out of place when I do.  This year it would mean a 10-hour drive, plus my DP lost her father less than two months ago and very much needs some "thinking space."  So it seems a good decision for us to hang back this year.  But I still feel guilty. 

I think one of the reasons it can be so hard to let go of guilt is that it preys on our worst fears.  Our fears that we're not a good enough daughter or son.  That we won't be accepted for who we are.  That people might hold grudges against us.  That people might not really love us, or--worse--that they might think we don't really love them.  That people think that we're selfish.  That we are selfish.  That people think we're weird or inferior.  That we really are weird or inferior.  What if this is all true??  Oh no!  [Panic ensues.]

The past few days, I've been pondering a few different ideas, and they've helped me think about all this.  From reader messages I receive, I know many of you have holiday angst, so maybe they'll help you, too. 

First, I've been thinking about the importance of confidence and self-knowledge in battling guilt.  I know myself, just as you know yourself.  I know I'm a loving daughter who is incredibly devoted to my parents.  I know that I am an understanding, loving, and devoted partner, too.  I know that I make mistakes, but that I try my best to be good to the people I love.  If I am confident in this knowledge, guilt begins to dissipate.   I can't do everything that everyone would like me to do.  No one can.  There aren't right or wrong answers about things like this.  There's just trying or not trying.  If you're honestly trying, be confident in who you are and about what's in your heart. 

Second, I've been thinking about the importance of making time for the people I love, whether or not it occurs over the holidays.  Heck, maybe especially if it doesn't occur over the holidays.  True, I'm not going to see my brother and his family over Christmas, but I am buying tickets to fly there for a weekend in January, even if my DP and I have to take off work, because my relationship with him, my sister-in-law, and my niece and nephew are very important to me.  And I'm going to spend three or four days over New Year's with my parents, because they are super important to me as well.  While I am visiting, I resolve to be present, which is not always something I've been great at in the past.  I'm not going to do work, nor even bring work with me.  (This may not sound radical, but for a historic workaholic like yours truly, it kind of is!) 

Third, I've been thinking about taking the long view: resisting the temptation to endow one day or one conversation with huge amounts of meaning.  Think about your relationships with other people as lifelong journeys.  This will make it easier to avoid getting wrapped up in that argument you had with your aunt over who's bringing the turkey, or about whether you're bringing the kids over for her annual Hanukkah party this year.  It's easier to be zen about your loved ones when you remember the history you have with them, and when you consciously put this or that one holiday into that larger context of your journey with them.

Sending you mucho love, dear readers.  What's on your mind as December unwinds?  Do you ever experience holiday angst?  What does it look like, and what do you do about it?  What are you still trying to work through?


2 Comments
Cristine
12/14/2015 08:04:44 pm

when i was 8 my mother informed my younger sister and myself that she and our father were separating and probably getting divorced, which they did. she proceeded to take away all the rules and all the holidays. before this day we had a pretty normal childhood with xmas spent usually with our grandparents usually both sets as the same time. after this day we had nothing. and when the holidays did role around she made sure to remind us that everyone else was celebrating and getting gifts and family time except us. made holidays very painful. i am now 53 yrs old and still not really fond of xmas, but i do have my own traditions for the last 25 years or so i have attended xmas eve dinner with many of my lesbian friends it is an evening of joy, merriment, harassment and love.i look forward to it every year. after that i really don't care where i am as no matter where i go it's fine. i don't get involved with the finger pointing as to where we will be gathering as i just don't care. my wife and i have grandchildren who live in SD, we live in CA and even if we did visit her children are not really hip on the whole grandma divorced their father and 2nd that she is now a lesbian. so no real point in going and i have never met them although i do purchase gifts for them every year and send them. we have 2 great nieces who live here and we do see them but doesn't have to be on the "day". this year we are having what we have deemed the "old lady lesbian" xmas dinner at our house. a small group who have no where else to go.i love my family very much and enjoy spending time with them but i do not have a huge need to be with them on the "day".
my wife is a nurse and as a result she frequently works on xmas. i insist she take xmas eve off and she usually does this year she is off on the "day" as well for the 1st time in 7 years and that is why we are having a dinner at our house.

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Dana
12/14/2015 08:17:09 pm

It sounds like your baseline attitude toward your family is very loving and thoughtful, even if always being there on Christmas doesn't make sense for you and your partner. I would think anybody should be understanding about that! I hope your family visits go well and you allow yourself to feel okay about your (totally reasonable) vacation plans.

I don't have any big apprehensions about Christmas, but my Thanksgiving trip to Florida was pretty heavy on the angst. :)

I've lived in Boston for two years. In fall 2013, a mere two months after moving to Boston and coming out as gay, I ended up at a "lesbian orphan Thanksgiving" in a little town on the South Shore. I was sort of adopted for the evening by some wonderful women (who turned out to all be in a motorcycle group!), and one of them put me up in her house for the night. It's the warmest welcome to a town / region I've ever experienced, and it helped me keep my head up through that tough life transition.

In 2014, I couldn't justify the expense to travel for Thanksgiving, and ended up with no plans. My awesome roommate, who I think I had known for all of three weeks, invited me to come with her to her friend's house, and it turned out to be a great time. I'm still grateful for that - who does that for someone they've known for three weeks?

This year, I flew down to Florida to a big family Thanksgiving with about thirty people. I saw a lot of people who I love and miss, and I'm glad I went, but the whole time I was down there, I felt homesick for Boston. It was the first time I had that real, from-the-gut *homesick* feeling for this city, and it solidified something for me. I normally do visit family for Christmas, but staying local for Thanksgiving is a given from now on.

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