The Real Reasons I Don't Blog Much Anymore

7/20/2018

Hi, friends. I recently relieved a spate of, "You don't blog very much anymore" emails. As I began to write my usual, "Oh, I've been SO busy with work and life, you know how it is, blah blah blah" emails," I thought: But that's not really true. I could be blogging a ton and I'm not. Why?

Well, there are a few real reasons. Maybe sharing them with you will get me back into writing BW some more. Or maybe not. I guess we'll see. Either way, your feedback would be awesome.

1. This is the main one, and the hardest to talk about. I worry that now, in my very late 30s, my thoughts about gender and sexual orientation are passé. I am a butch woman. I'm cool with being a woman. I'm also cool with AFAB (assigned-female-at-birth) folks who AREN'T cool with being women. But most of the serious conversation about masculine-of-center life these days seems to be about not being a woman: about agender or genderfluid or trans identities. That's great--but it's not me.  I just don't feel like there are that many cisgendered masculine-of-center women out there anymore, especially under the age of 35. At least in my circles, there is strong social pressure to be something more gender-expansive than "woman." But why does "woman" have to be so damn narrow that it can't contain me? I don't know, folks. It's hard not to feel irrelevant these days when you're someone who (1) regularly gets called "sir" and (2) uses she/her pronouns.

2. There has been reduced engagement with the blog when I do post: fewer likes and fewer comments. Part of the reason I blog is to open conversations with people throughout the world. Sometimes, though, it feels like I'm typing into a void, which makes it less fun for me. It's possible that my writing is getting less engaging, or that I'm writing about less engaging topics (e.g., more depressing Supreme Court cases, fewer fashion tips). It's also possible that people don't read blogs as much as they used to. But regardless of the reason, the fact remains--and less interaction with readers makes me less eager to write.

3. Admittedly, life has interfered. Namely: I have a real, steady job that I love but which is also super demanding; I wrote a book (related to my work life); my wife and I bought a house; my two dogs are terribly behaved; I've taken up pottery and kayaking (possibly the two most lesbian hobbies in existence); I'm trying to pay off my student loans; we moved across the country a couple years ago and I'm trying to get used to snow and humidity. These things are non-trivial.

Anyhow, I didn't want you to think I wasn't thinking of you anymore. I am. I'm just kind of sitting with all of these thoughts and obstacles in the current political moment and it has added up to me not writing very much.

34 Comments

Katey

7/20/2018 08:39:16 am

Hi! So I'm basically commenting on your first reason. I'm pushing 30 and I also feel irrelevant being a MoC cis lesbian and I know I haven't really commented much before on past posts because I'm never quite sure how to word what I want to say. Anyways I really appreciate you and your blog because you're I can relate to being butch and cis and I really don't see that anywhere else. And for me it's been harder to share relatable experiences with my partner because they're NB.
Also I think it's great you've picked up awesome hobbies and wrote a book!

chephy

7/20/2018 09:58:25 am

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and there are folks like you out there who appreciate your writing. That's not a request for posts - as someone who never blogs and rarely comments, I understand why someone might not be into this blogging thing. But in case you're curious whether you're writing into a void - you aren't. There's at least one person here who is interested in and can relate to what you have to say.

Karen Kelly

7/20/2018 10:29:36 am

Although I am sure that there are valid points in all of your reasons for blogging less, I hope that we can all persuade you to change your mind. If for no other reason then cisgendered masculine-of-center women are still out there and they need you and others like you. Possibly more than ever now with all the gender labels and the ever-growing spectrum. They need to know that it's ok to simply be a butch, no other explanation needed.

Your blog was pivotal to my ability to accept and then embrace my butch. Coming out later in life I struggled to find my place in the lesbian community. When I found your blog I knew I had found my people.

As far as the current political situation in the USA, if Trump in anyway effects your decisions to be yourself, do what you love or your life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness he wins. He has succeeded in making you feel less than or undeserving. These are things he can't take from you unless you let him.

Zan Garden

7/20/2018 12:50:03 pm

I'm like you, just older- almost 70. Dyed in the wool butch, love being called sir, love my carefully nurtured over all these years woman side. I'm interested in what you have to say. There's an audience out here that's over 40.

Kate

7/20/2018 01:17:37 pm

I really enjoy reading your blog, even though I don't always comment.
Personally, I identify as a tomboy rather than butch, but I identify with a lot of what you say.
I love my gender expansive friends and am very glad that the world is finally starting to see beyond the binary. However, for me personally, it feels more like the words 'woman' and 'female' etc need to stretch to fit me rather than me needing to identify as something else.
Anyway, I hope you continue with your blog

K.S.

8/30/2020 07:11:48 am

"However, for me personally, it feels more like the words 'woman' and 'female' etc need to stretch to fit me rather than me needing to identify as something else."

^Yes. Exactly this.

Sara

7/20/2018 08:07:21 pm

Love me some butch grrrls.

Jane link

7/21/2018 12:45:01 am

So, I currently have a hand injury. I can't say much right now. I've been reading your blog for awhile, though, and I added it into Feedly when I realized it'd be easier than just having a list of links to sites I like on my own blog. I've never commented before, that I know of, because I was closeted and didn't want to attract that kind of attention. Now, I'm still closeted (only four family members know, and that's my biological first cousin, two of her kids (it slipped, oops), and her husband), but a lot of my friends know. I don't talk about it openly on my own blog, but I do hint at it (oh, and it's so fun, haha). More readers tend to be lurkers. ;)

#1 makes me sad, because my type is masculine-of-center women and a lot of the stigma I get when people realize this from the list of celebrities I've given them is basically the idea that I should "just date a man instead"/"am basically just interested in men with feminine attributes", and it's frustrating AF, because no?? That's not the same thing at all?? And it's not even cisgender heterosexual people who say this to me, but people who identity as other genders and sexualities. It's really freaking hard. I feel like I have to re-justify my sexuality and try to defend myself even though it's just something that happened. I like guys who wear eyeliner because it's hot and reminds me of Shane McCutcheon, and I try to be attracted to them, but it just doesn't work that way. (And I dislike saying this at all, revealing this about myself, because it's scary AF. I get a lot of judgment. I'm actually nervous about whatever replies I happen to get, and I'm the type of person who cares not what other people think/don't need approval from others. It's why I started reading your blog (ugh, mostly because I did want validation, unfortunately).)

I'm autistic. I used to blog about it, but I stopped because other autistics articulate what needs to be said about it and do a better job than I do—and they're into activism, whereas I am just like, "Okay, but I don't want this to completely consume my life..." Your thoughts expressed in #1 feel a lot similar.

#3 -- are kayaking and pottery really "lesbian" hobbies? Because wow, more things to add to my "I should have known I was a lesbian when..." list.

Whatever you do choose to do blog-wise, it's ultimately your decision, and I wish you well. :)

Sue

7/21/2018 04:22:33 am

I am cisgendered masculine-of-center bisexual women age 52. I read blogs about cisgendered masculine-of-center women.' But why does "woman" have to be so damn narrow that it can't contain me?'

Please write we are in this together!

Brandon

7/21/2018 05:59:35 am

As a trans*man who discovered your blog during some pivotal gender exploration, I did, and still do, greatly enjoy and appreciate your blog.

I'm 100% in agreement with the fellow commenters that there are definitely still MOC cisgender women out there, and they need as much support as anyone else.

You be you and do what you need to do. Kayaking sounds amazing!

Angie

7/21/2018 06:16:03 am

I enjoy your blogs and what you have to say. I understand how you feel. Im in my late 30's and a soft butch lesbian. There are times I feel out of place and don't know where I fit in. Sometimes just being a lesbian in general seems to be irrelevant like its something "uncool" and "old school".

Claire

7/23/2018 12:40:51 am

Please keep blog more! I've never commented before but have been reading your blog for years, I love your tone of voice and your view on things, whether it's fashion tips or political. It adds definite flavour to my reading/social media feeds no matter what it's about. Speaking as an under-30 femme cis-lesbian, you definitely have a wider audience than you think! Like some of the other commenters, I think the shift towards non-binary views is great but it doesn't erase butch women, and I don't think it should. Please keep blogging, if you don't, the shift towards erasure might be self-imposed!

Cammie Sinor link

7/23/2018 02:17:45 am

50, butch, cisgendered. Just ran across your blog, literally 5 days ago. I love it and can't wait to explore more. I do hope you keep writing...I mostly blog out on Facebook, but poetry gets listed on Instagram and mutual Paradox. We need a variety of voices, and it's nice to have one I can relate too.

Sezza

7/24/2018 05:08:57 am

Here I am, your 20 year old butch cis woman! I am here and always eager to read your column. I didn't realize the comments were an issue. Now that I know I will be commenting all the live long day!

Denisse

7/25/2018 03:40:42 pm

I am always glad to read what you post. At 42 I feel exactly like you, everyone around me seems to have become femme or trans lately, and it feels very lonely to be a woman whose gender expression is masculine inclined.

I haven't been following so closely this blog lately mainly because it had been a long time without new content. The less you post, the less you will impact.

Bear hugs from Barcelona!

Nadja

8/6/2018 01:38:05 pm

I usually do not post comments because I am not writer but I am a vivid reader. I do not agree with all your views but well explained different point of views (as yours) make me think and helps me understand which hopefully turns me into a less judgmental person. Your blog accomplishes that in my opinion. Therefore, thank you so much.

Sabine

8/9/2018 04:22:38 am

Okay, to help you see, that you are not blogging into a void here :-) I will break my rule and send a feedback.out into the ether ;-)
For me there are several reasons why I follow your blog since 2-3 years.
a) Your voice resonates with me. You have a way to voice things in a rational and understanding way. You are respectful with people that do things in a different way than yours, but you are not afraid to voice your personal opinion.

These days it seems too hard for many people to give an opinion to a certain topic without bashing or belitteling those with a different view. Aaaaand even if you do so in a respectful way, then you will be browbeaten by haters.

b) I find it very fascinating how LGBT people in other countries live their lives. Which problems they face. Which advantages they have.

For most of us here in Europe the concept of a static butch / femme dynamic is outdated / nonexistent. That doesn´t mean that there aren´t lesbians of both sides of the spectrum (gender presentation wise) and the whole middleground (sorry, but sometimes im flummoxed by the sheer amount of categories lesbians put themselves in "femme, lipstick, chapstick, tomboy, butch, stonebutch, etc.).

So please, go on blogging and be assured that there are many people out there who value your opinion and like to read your stuff.

Many greetings from Germany

(and since it seems so important to categorise: I am 49, cisgender and maybe somewhere between sporty, tomboy and androgynous - who knows :-D )

ATLTRAVO

8/13/2018 05:55:04 pm

4043999033 if u in atl i am 28yrs old dark skin 5"5 hit me.

8/13/2018 10:23:02 pm

Hi, I just discovered your blog linked from a butch on butch article. Thank you for providing this space in the first place. You article was excellent and perfectly described my feeling about gender roles. What you have written here about the commercial availability of trans and non cis trend is likely true. Self-estrangement appears common. I feel this is where sexuality and body image overlap and I look forward to having it explored....so we can move on. Thank you

Erin

8/15/2018 06:19:05 am

I am an eighteen year old woman who has identified as a lesbian for quite some time now, but is just beginning to come to terms with her butch identity. I just wanted to say that when I’m doing research, trying to figure out how to shop and stay safe when “queer coded” or just looking for someone else who’s like me, your blog is often the first thing that pops up. It’s been tremendously important to me, and from what I can see, it’s pretty much one of a kind.

I totally understand if you don’t want to continue blogging, but I wanted to let you know that there are people like me out there, and we really appreciate the work that you’ve done on this site. :)

Heather

8/19/2018 03:16:22 pm

It's sad, but I empathize. I've lurked your blog for awhile, and this is my first time commenting. I'm 42, a plus-sized cisgender woman, MoC/soft-ish butch, and an out & visible at work high school teacher. I'm also the sponsor for our school's Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA). I've noticed that not many of the kids in the GSA identify as some variation of lesbian, let alone MoC, these days. I frequently hear them identify more often as Ace, Pan, Bi, or Trans. I do know a couple under 30 butches (former members who graduated, etc.), so I know they still exist, but they seem to be getting fewer and far between.
For what it's worth, I have really enjoyed reading your blog and have gotten some good insight from it over the years. I came out later in life, and your blog helped me to feel more grounded in the (tomboy as a kid) butch identity I've pretty much had my whole life. It helped me to know I wasn't alone.

Theresa

8/25/2018 10:15:16 am

Hi,

I just came across your blue g and this is the first entry I read. I can totally relate with your first point and so appreciate you expressing that. I myself was out of a 20 year relationship and looking to re-engage with community when it happened. I stumbled across a Facebook group for MoC people but soon found that many people didn’t want to engage in dialogue because, while I am very butch I also identify as a woman and am very happy being a woman. So thank you for being out there and writing about your experience.

Paulz

8/28/2018 09:18:52 am

"most of the serious conversation about masculine-of-center life these days seems to be about not being a woman: about agender or genderfluid or trans identities. That's great--but it's not me."
> you say it perfectly! Totally MoC cis butch and struggling hard to keep it afloat in an environment that just assumes I'm taking or about to take hormones vs. asks why don't I just grow my hair long and dress differently if I don't like it when people assume I'm "like a dude" in every situation. Love being called sir every time, that doesn't mean I deny being a woman or somehow magically acquired all the attributes of the proverbial het male douche overnight when I finally shaved off all that superfluous hair I was carrying around like a curtain behind which to hide. Btw, I completely understand that blogging is not as central to your life as it used to be, we move on in life, it's healthy. Your blog is a vital resource for many people but if you stop here, someone else will be spurred to do something similaryetdifferent, no doubt. You can't do these things properly if they don't primarily cater to your own needs anyway.

9/10/2018 05:21:01 pm

Young butch women do exist. You sure as hell aren't writing into a void, some of us are just chicken to comment because we're stuck so far in the closet the jackets are sick of us ( hi). It's hard to find people who accept that butch women are women, either you stay in your hick town and get called a man by people who damn well know you aren't one, or you go to some social function in a liberal city an hour and a half away just to have people ( supposedly accepting ones) continue to question you because you are a woman and don't want to be anything else. Please keep writing, how else am I supposed to figure out how to get men's jeans onto my decididld not male ass?

Samantha C.

9/14/2018 11:09:41 pm

I just discovered your blog through Twitter. I love what I have read so far and I am looking forward to future posts. But when you need a break you need a break. Take your time and take care of yourself. :)

Antonia

9/19/2018 10:15:10 am

You are not writing into a void and you are not irrelevant. I am a bisexual NB from Brazil (married to a woman) and I greatly enjoy your blog and for me, at least, it has been a great way to learn a little more about the butch world. If you keep writing you have at least one person who will keep reading.

Atlt

9/21/2018 08:58:18 pm

4043999033 Atlanta looking for butch

Ray

10/7/2018 06:12:29 am

I want to share appreciation for you, your blog & who you are- you & your perspective are relevent, just as all of us in our authenticity are.
I am 30, masculine of center, butch queer woman & still figuring it out.

Fex link

12/7/2018 01:06:00 am

I understand why you might feel like talking about teh gay is passe, but it's really not. So what if everyone else is talking about being a trans dude or something? That just means you're talking about something that everyone else isn't, which IMO is more valuable.
I haven't been on WP very much the last few years--it's been mostly tumblr since late 2013--but when I was a baby queer back then, your blog was very important to me and helped a lot, just knowing there were other people out there. Recently, with tumblr's "pornopocalypse" (in a highly unwise move, it's banning all adult content including stuff posted years ago, and doing it via a horribly misprogrammed AI), I ended up logging in again, after following a link on the new Pillowfort site. Your blog was the second one I checked up on--the first was just the first one in my reader--because I remembered it so positively. Thank you for being here, however much or little you post.

Jan

2/11/2019 12:02:19 am

Keep up the good work. Post when you can. 😀

Samantha Covey

2/23/2019 02:31:32 pm

Unsubbed by accident. Trying again.

1/23/2020 10:49:51 am

Honestly, as a younger person, I have read your blog for some years and it has helped me figure out some of my place in life (similar to yours) in and stepping out of the closet. I admire and appreciate your perspectives as an individual and specifically as an older person than myself, and they have helped me learn too. I will now and then check for new posts but understand your gusier schedule and life, But pretty much - What you have to share is worth sharing. Passé? No, experienced.

Sharing a specifically female perspective of butch is worthwhile in a time where (especially younger) people are experiencing a boom in identifying with semi-trans-related terms such as genderqueer or agender, etc. I value your thoughts on this similar life and world we are in, as an FTM-spectrum individual. Butch women’s perspectives matter and asserting a voice and telling your story is a good thing.

Also, I think the main reason for a decrease in comments is due to perhaps social media changing within the past 5-8ish years alone. Tumblr (less these days), twitter, facebook, and instagram are all the main used outlets anymore, from least to most in that list probably. The glossy photo with a self-flattering quip under it reigns - shallow with little content, like a 3 inch meal on a large blank plate at a fancy restaurant IMO lol! Style over substance. Longer form blogging is less common as people lose the attention span for it, or it doesn’t provide that sense of shiny and immediate entertainment. But edifying thoughts and the sense of social connection brought by longer-form websites matter a lot to the people who use and value them. So don’t be discouraged really.

Many also probably are experiencing a busier personal life as yourself. But you still have your ongoing readers here and your presence us remembered! So if you return it is not to deaf ears.
The fact that plenty of folks never comment snd simply lurk is probably a part of it too lol...coming out of the woodwork to write this. :p

Hope you have a wonderful new(ish) year.

Moelba

10/30/2021 05:03:59 am

I hope you have not stopped definitely, but if you did... I totally understand. You have helped and still are helping a lot of people out there and giving a feeling of being home,so thanks.

42 years old, MOC from Europe

Jen

9/15/2022 11:56:50 pm

Hi there
I just want to say that this blog has helped me so much since I came across it in just the last 24 hours.

Earlier this spring, after watching the show Our Flag Means Death, I suddenly realized that I have a masculine side I had been pushing away for a number of years. As soon as I realized that, my masculine side began to come out in me in a big (and disorientingly fast) way.

I've been coming to the awareness over the last decade that my attraction is usually to masculine presenting people whether male, female, trans, nonbinary or anything else. I'd been taught that attraction could not exist between two people of a similar gender expression or identity and so I've been going through a bit of an internal crisis over this newfound masculine self expression.

I've been periodically doing searches online but was having trouble finding anything on this subject until recently. A little while ago, I found an Instagram account called butch4butches and through them a discord chat group for same. I didn't know until then that I should be using the term butch in my searches. So, after another Google search, I found your blog.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful writing on this topic as well as your kindness and understanding in your responses to your readers' comments. I have learned so much and felt so very affirmed in my unique way of being that I am now discovering.

My request is that you keep this blog up even if you have no further interest in adding to it. This information is still very valuable. This perspective needs to live on, accessable to anyone who needs it.

I thank you for everything you have contributed here so far and everyone who has contributed here as well. You are So appreciated!

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