Things Butches Need to Stop Doing

3/21/2014

A highly subjective (and probably offensive) list of things some butches do (or that I've done myself) that bug me and/or others. I submit to you, dear readers, the question of whether, in YOUR ideal world, butches would stop doing the following:

Slouching. It's bad for your back, and an "apologetic" posture besides. Don't be apologetic. Stand proud.
Avoiding jewelry because it's too girly. (If you don't like jewelry aesthetically, fine--that's different.)
Feeling like you have to shop ONLY in the men's department, or else you aren't really butch. If women's underwear is more comfortable, wear it! It doesn't make you any less butch.
Feeling like you have to shop ONLY in the women's department, because you identify as female. Some items are just easier to find in men's. You get to have it both ways. Enjoy it and be YOU!
"Puffing up" when you see another butch (and don't even TRY to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about!). ;)
Assuming that anyone who looks like you also identifies as butch. (I am totally guilty of this.)
Taking advantage of patriarchal bullshit. (I know I'm going to get in hot water for saying this, but in VERY close to ALL of the married butch-femme couples I know, if only one of them changed their last name, it's the femme. I feel like it replicates the kind of patriarchal BS we're trying to avoid: remove man, insert butch.) [BW ducks and prepares to have people tell her that she doesn't understand the butch-femme dynamic, which is probably true.]
Thinking you have to be a sexual "top." You don't!
Referring to your "butch brothers," not "butch brothers and sisters." Some butches don't like male pronouns.
Smoking cigarettes (I'm looking at you, east coast butches!).
Being misogynistic and saying unkind things about women/femmes. Just because you have a vagina doesn't mean you're not being a dick.
Not buying new clothes when (1) you can afford to, and (2) the old clothes have rips and/or holes and/or were purchased before 1990.
Acting like some kind of self-appointed butch police, telling everyone else what's butch and what's not (I am also guilty of this one--e.g., within this very post).
Thinking you have to pierce your face and/or get tattoos. If you want to, go for it! But it's not a required butch rite of passage, 95% of urban butch baristas' beliefs notwithstanding.
Assuming that when other people transition and become male, they are surrendering their lesbian identity. Some trans guys still ID as lesbians. You don't have to understand it (admittedly, I don't totally get it myself). But who cares if we understand it. Respect it.
Assuming that just because you transitioned, or are taking T, other butches all want to transition, too--and that if they don't, they're somehow less "butch" than you are. Butchness doesn't come in a bottle or a syringe; as everyone knows, it comes in a jar of really good hair product.
Drinking too much. Self-control is butch. Looking like an idiot and getting sloppy drunk every time you go out... not so much.
Assuming that all other butches date femmes.
Assuming that butches who date femmes must be "the guy" in the relationship (the one who wants to go to Home Depot, the one who takes the trash out, etc.) Plenty of butches cook and sew; plenty of femmes wield a power drill with aplomb.
Acting like a typical "bro" or frat boy in pursuit of butchness.

Okay, dear readers... lay it on me. Which of these do you disagree with? Which do you agree with?

59 Comments

Kim

3/21/2014 12:53:11 pm

I agree with everything,its the truth

Turtle Lewis

3/21/2014 01:07:34 pm

I agree with all of this. Especially the "puffing up" thing, I've been guilty of this, and after recognizing that I do, I've tried to point it out to other butches that do it and damned if they know what the hell I'm talking about lol. talk about denial, and I'm VERY guilty of never buying new clothes, but wife and I tend to match eachother in our generation X grunge appeal lol.

G1tana

3/21/2014 01:51:42 pm

As a femme, I agree with all of the above. But I do want to comment on #7.

I understand where you're going with the last name thing, but have you asked the couples why they chose to do so? When a femme takes a butch's last name, it's not always about replicating patriarchy. (And I do get annoyed when people say, "oh how traditional" upon hearing my name.) My butch spouse and I had a serious discussion about name changes and family issues. We knew we wanted one last name to make it easier to be identified as a family, and so decided that we would take both last names- one as a middle name and the other as a last name. The order of the names was related to the decision to bear children. My spouse chose not to get pregnant, hence I changed my name. That way, our children have something from both of us- my genes, my spouse's name. Yes it may APPEAR to be patriarchal, but it was a decision that we did not take lightly.

Patriarchy sucks. Gender equality is about being allowed to make your own decisions, regardless of where they lie on the "traditional" scale.

Sam

3/21/2014 01:59:23 pm

That's really cool and a great way to make your butch spouse feel included in parenting. Good for you two :)

stef

3/22/2014 04:57:46 am

Exactly. .. some of us actually choose our lives... I like my last name... and want my gf to join in my last name. If she wants, she will... her choice.

Leigh

12/30/2014 05:15:20 am

Friends of mine, combined their last names into a NEW last name for the both of them.Very cool, and in their case, worked well.

3/21/2014 01:57:19 pm

I love #16! I'm a cisgendered butch, and I always feel really insecure about not being as butch as transmen. I fall into a habit of thinking that femmes will like trans butches better than me because they're more masculine. But I love what you said! Especially the part about the hair product - I think we can all agree on that :)

Bren link

3/22/2014 11:38:22 am

Are you me? Because I think/worry about this ALL the time. Not being masculine "enough" is a deep-seated fear for a lot of butches, methinks.

Kimberley

3/24/2014 02:32:06 am

While I cannot speak on behalf of any other femmes, this girl likes a range of masculinity in her partners. I was engaged to a trans*guy who now identifies as male, partnered with someone who was non-op trans-identified butch, and my current wonderful sweetie is a soft butch who shops mainly in the men's section of department stores but also wears makeup.

What attracts me - and many of the self-identified femmes I know, who are into the butch/femme partnering dynamic - is HOW that masculinity is presented within the whole of the person. I love that my "fella" is a strong, compassionate feminist, that she's proudly "she"-pronoun'd, and is very involved in a queer female community of people of all identifications.

There are always going to be folks who are in the "the more masculine, the better" camp, and they might not be the best match, but there are lots of us who don't think that way, and will love you just the way you are, "soft spots" and all. *encouraging smile*

Melina

5/28/2014 08:34:01 am

Please don't think that!! I can only speak for myself, but as a "femme" that adores butches, I can honestly say that ultimately I want a woman. So, with that being said, I actually prefer butches that aren't manly (if that makes any sense). Just be you, and I'm sure any deserving femme will appreciate you for doing so. :)

darel

5/18/2015 06:12:39 am

I don't know what the hell you are talking about I think and feel that a real and true butch is naturally born either you are ,are you are a wrack poser!

Mer

3/21/2014 03:04:40 pm

One thing (other) butches do that really makes me grind my teeth: I call it "butch monotone". In the pursuit of being more butch, many women assume that a low, gravely voice is de rigeur, but not having been blessed with a particularly deep voice naturally, they force themselves to speak in as low a register as they physically can. Not only does this make them sound like 11 year old boys trying to hurry up puberty, but they end up wiping out all the dynamic range from their speaking voice. So everything comes out very flat, and slightly depressed-sounding. Pretty pretty please, stop doing that.

Stacy

3/21/2014 03:17:46 pm

All good. The last lines in #11 and #16 are perfect! Time to start making t-shirts!

catmo

3/21/2014 03:20:36 pm

I've been talking about the "butch puff up " for years. I call it the silver back (as in silver back gorilla) syndrome. Too funny. Everything else...right on.

Riley

3/21/2014 03:23:42 pm

#18. I agree with SO much. I used to get so much crap from other butches, and later, when I transitioned, from another FTM about liking butches! I'm a trans guy that prefers butches. Why is that a BAD thing?

shelley

3/21/2014 04:07:50 pm

i agree. it makes sense to me

Katie

3/21/2014 05:11:15 pm

Love the list! And I'd like to add that having short hair is not a requirement - my decision to wear my hair long doesn't make me less butch.

Carolyn

3/21/2014 06:28:44 pm

Yes!! 18 especially. I'm particularly annoyed when people assume all butches date femmes. Femme women have always been in the same category as men to me. They can be strong, attractive, intelligent, funny, and I respect them. But I'm not attracted to them at all.

My girlfriend, who is much butcher than me, agrees.

Reggie

4/23/2014 03:41:49 pm

SO true. I'm absolutely in love with my butch girlfriend.

6/14/2014 11:51:20 am

Oh, thank you! I know some wonderful femmes, but it's the butches who make me melt. I find I am usually embarrassed to "admit" it, although I don't know exactly why.

Wendi Burgess

3/21/2014 09:54:20 pm

A word about boxers. They tend to generate sweat and lead to odor. I do think they are adorable, but have a care about your hygeine if you choose to wear them.
I would also say that I spent several years with a butch who always assumed the "top" and would not allow me that kind of play. This was my first relationship with a woman. My next relationship was entirely different and being able to be the "top" actually brought out a whole new side of me.

bee

3/21/2014 10:00:31 pm

Total agreement.

3/21/2014 10:53:06 pm

As a transman I don't agree... I identify as a man which is the total opposite of a "butch" which identifies as a woman.... if your going to make statements get your facts straight.. being transgender doesn't make you a "lesbian"... because being a lesbian means who you are sexually attracted to being transgender means what gender you identify with... it has Nothing to do with sex!!!!

Amanda

3/22/2014 01:38:12 am

I believe the author was talking about the trans men who still identify as butch, not every transgendered person.

monster

3/22/2014 05:18:36 am

Chill, bro.
I think what they were trying to convey (sort of obviously) if you read it non defensively is that not all trans decide to identify that way, some do.. Some don't. We get it, your a dude now and good for you, but not every ftm presents themselves the way you do

Randall

4/6/2014 02:53:05 am

As a person who identified as Butch for a long time and is now edging into Trans* territory (I've socially transitioned and am planning on HRT) I wanted to voice agreement with BW. I don't identify as a lesbian, but the idea of identifying as a straight white male sounds even stranger to me because I doubt I will EVER lose my "queer worldview". I'd like to consider myself as part of the Butch/queer community, because even though I felt I wasn't a girl since I was very young, I was still raised as one, and that's a commonality that we share that pretty much NO cismale has ever experienced. BW is only encouraging tolerance of those who don't quite fit into stereotypes and labels, for which I am grateful and totally support.

12/30/2014 05:20:22 am

I'm not trans, I'm butch and female bodied, but queer gender. Not all of us identify as female.

Springbyker link

3/22/2014 02:27:33 am

Re: 1. I've realized lately that some of my slouching is low self-esteem left over from childhood (being bullied, partly for being gender-non-comforming, did not help), and some is an unconscious desire to conceal my breasts. It's not that I dislike my breasts, but I've never liked the way men gawk at them (and I don't have large ones), nor have I ever liked the way bras felt (I've compromised with sports bras).

2. Over the decades, I've had a couple of heterosexual friends who wore a ton of silver rings, and seen a few photos of Frida Kahlo wearing similar rings. I also like some semi-precious stones. I now wear 5 or 6 rings, and although it does make me feel less butch, I love looking at the stones and remembering where I acquired each ring (nearly all of them are from my travels and have a story behind them). I've noticed that gay men are the people who most often compliment me on the rings, which I find amusing.

3/22/2014 05:30:17 am

Ahhh the slouching. I have always been oddly comfortable in my gender, but as a youngster
wearing tight as all get out sports bras to achieve that more flat chest effect left me with a slouch too, if you're like this as well, a bit of advice that's effective is strong back exercise, and the rowing machine (which also gave me bulky trap and shoulder muscles, lat pull downs work the two giant strips of muscle that run down each side of your spine and those work outs almost force you into good posture. Lower chest press lifts also help for those of you wanting a smaller chest.

em-power-me link

3/23/2014 09:01:53 am

Yes, this! Being strong & fit also helps with body image and confidence.

Jane

3/22/2014 11:59:43 pm

You hit the nail on the head.

Whitney link

3/23/2014 01:15:15 am

Thanks for this list and for not being afraid to put it out there! Good reminders for all who present more masculinely. Myself included!

Janet hardy link

3/23/2014 01:32:45 am

Might I add one?: Assiming that all other butches date only women. There are bi and even hetero butches in the world. Applaud them (and their male partners) for helping create a more gender-fluid world.

shell

3/23/2014 02:32:07 am

I think you hit the nail on the head. There are a lot of folks who identify masculine of center who may not be queer. Then again labels are a very interesting topic in general. My partner may appear "butch" but dislikes being labeled that way. She just prefers fluidity.

3/23/2014 09:04:38 am

Thank you! I consider myself butch (including being guilty of some of the items on this excellent list) yet my partner is male. He is wonderful enough to accept my gender presentation - including short hair, muscles, and androgyny.

3/24/2014 05:16:52 pm

This. *is hetero and has been known to wear men's clothes to church, with a tie and all, and short hair*

Primi G

4/7/2014 06:51:45 am

Butch is a lesbian identity, so I think it would be safe to assume that butch women date women.

eridanis

7/6/2014 10:51:55 am

so yes.

Daddy Rhon

3/23/2014 02:44:54 am

Butches are fairly rare so we always notice one another out in the world. "Puffing up" is not aggressive, more like an acknowledgement and auto-recognition, a nod to a stranger who is not. The intimacy between Butches in a group is sudden, startling and freeing. Nothing like it.

Butch Wonders link

3/26/2014 03:32:47 am

Hmm... I think it *can* be like a nod, but in my experience, this hasn't been the case. It's more like others have described (e.g., CatMo below). Kind of territorial. But it's nice to know that it isn't always aggressive!

12/30/2014 05:25:27 am

I do 'the butch nod' when I see someone when I'm out and about and usually I just get a 'who the hell are you?' look. sigh.

Hi ya, Daddy Rhon!

kim

3/23/2014 09:19:51 am

This is all hilarious and oh so true... I look super butch and I am not at all, butch girls all "puff up" when I first meet them, but I am super girly...don't let the haircut fool you!

3/24/2014 04:57:58 am

I am always the first to acknowledge a fellow Butch or couple with a wink or a smile as a "I see you there." The butch "puff up", the funny one I'm speaking of, I just witnessed a few months ago at Best Buy, scenario...I come around a display corner, I look up, notice a butch and her girlfriend... Butch sees me, straightens up comes around her gf, and blocks her from my view then proceeds to herd her down the aisle, while I just hang my head and giggle...

Ms.M

3/26/2014 06:51:37 am

I agree with many of these but on #7 not so much. It means different things to different people. Like Tana since I will be having the kiddos I would prefer to take my butches name so they have something of both of us. Also I will thoroughly enjoy being called "Mrs.Butch('s-last name)". While I don't think there is anything wrong with using femme's last name or both I also don't think I am practicing "patriarchal bullshit". I am doing what makes me happy and just because it happens to be taking my Butch partner's name doesn't mean I am any less concerned about equality for femmes and an open minded view of marriage. Things like this should be about what makes the couple happy and not ANYONE else's view butch or not.

Kristy

3/26/2014 11:04:29 am

Add to the list calling non-butch women "honey." Gag. Stop it already.

Betty

3/26/2014 12:00:22 pm

I am a butch women who took my femmes wife's last name. Just made more since for us. I do get crap from my butch friends.

Mac

4/11/2014 12:57:55 pm

#15. NO. A lesbian is a WOMAN. Anyone who ID's AS a woman CAN be a lesbian (be they cis or trans). Trans men CANNOT be lesbians, because they identify as MEN --> they are STRAIGHT if they are only attracted to women). Speaking as a woman, I do NOT want a man entering women-only spaces - that shit has got to go. Women deserve women-only spaces - this comes with the topic of safe spaces.
This comes double especially when trans women are often kicked out of women's spaces by cis women (be they het or queer). Cis feminism or (white) radical feminism rarely (if at all) discuss or care for the needs of trans women and the transmisogyny they face.
Trans women's identities are often dismissed by the cis community if they present as anything but femme.
Nothing in this list mentions the struggles of trans women who are butch. Gender-presentation policing gets in the way of trans women (should they want to) receiving the opportunity to surgically transition or even socially transition.

So, in summary, trans women get screwed over day to day, even more so if they are butch.
And MEN canNOT identify as lesbians, as a lesbian is a woman. And it's fxcking creepy if any man, cis or trans, wants to enter women-only spaces.

Kat

5/5/2014 11:25:10 am

Loved the list...Here's what I think. You be you and I'll respect you for it so long as you respect me for being me. I'm femme and my partner is butch however if you ask her she's "tom boyish" I say tomato she says tomahto. Who cares? Not me. Carry on :)

Cate

5/22/2014 03:16:37 pm

You've just hit that nail on the head!!

Angela

6/29/2014 01:15:57 pm

Commenting on number 3 - FYI woman's underwear is definitely NOT more comfortable. In fact, I can't think of any item of women's clothing that IS more comfortable than men's clothing. Even women's socks tend to be more flimsy and less comfortable than men's socks. And don't even get me started on how uncomfortable bras are!

7/23/2014 12:10:16 am

Hey - trans person here. Trans men can not identify as lesbians. It is highly appropriative and not at all accepted even in the trans community. It's cool that you're trying to be inclusive I guess, but that's not something they should get away with. They are men. Lesbians are women exclusively attracted to other women. They have to essentially misgender themselves to call themselves lesbians.

BW link

9/17/2014 03:40:44 am

Hi Riley--yeah, I know what you mean. That's kind of how I've always seen it. If a lesbian is a woman who dates other women, and you don't ID as a woman, how can you possibly ID as a lesbian? But talking to different trans men has convinced me that I'm wrong. One guy said, "Some days I ID as a man and some days I ID as a lesbian." And even though this wouldn't work for me personally, I feel like who am I to tell him this doesn't make sense? If it makes sense to him, I accept it and support him, ya know?

Clara

9/22/2014 01:41:12 am

Riley, I think everybody else should just accept however someone auto-identifies. If a trans man identifies as a lesbian, he is not taking anything away from other people who identify as lesbian. I find it inappropriate to say 'it's not something they should get away with'. If it was someone else saying 's/he says s/he is a trans man but actually, s/he's just a lesbian', now THAT would be something that they shouldn't get away with. But if it's someone 'labeling' themselves both trans man and lesbian, I don't see the problem.

Butch

9/3/2014 02:02:05 pm

Self control isn't butch..

9/17/2014 03:38:06 am

No? I think it is. It doesn't mean you don't go all in or be totally excessive sometimes; it just means that when you do, you're doing it because you want to, not because you can't help yourself.

9/12/2014 07:33:19 am

Crying laughing at number 5. Me and my friends call it dominate lesbian syndrome. I do not know why this happens but sometimes I am so guilty of it!

Alex

10/16/2014 12:11:44 am

#5 ... Very true as a buch I found myself suffering from silverback sindrom hahaha. Maby becaus we have a dominint pursanalitys. Wich brings me to #17 ...yes domininch gos with responseblety. As for #9 Call me a Buch bro I WILL punch you, I'm a woman and proude to be 1 (buch) and my bautyfull soft buch wife will back me up. Props to the list

Barbra

4/1/2015 05:37:30 am

single..in Phx looking for my special Butch womyn

Moran

8/10/2017 05:50:11 pm

oh man the "puffing up" thing, why you gotta put me on blast like this?? i once had a class with 2 other butches in it and i started always wearing my binder to that class so i could be top dog

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