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Things that Happen in Your Social World When You Become a Visible Gay Person

9/12/2012

26 Comments

 
Coming out as a(n obvious) butch dyke when I was previously known as, and basically looked like, a heterosexual woman, was like my very own social experiment about the effects of sexual orientation and gender presentation.

I've written previously about happy surprises that coming out brought to my life.  I've talked less about the unhappy surprises; I'll hit some of those now.

Here are some ways my interactions with others changed when I came out:
  1. I became less visible to straight men, maybe because I no longer had anything they wanted.  A female professor of mine once told me that when she turned 60, men stopped looking at her altogether and that she became invisible.  I wondered what that would feel like...  I got to find out just a few years later.  (BIG generalization here; not always true; some of my best friends in the world are straight men, etc.)
  2. Straight women still looked at me, but in a different way.  Some of them seemed to think: How much of a woman are you, and how much of a man?  What does this mean for how I should treat you? Others seemed to think: How can I possibly understand someone who wants out of the game?  Some of them began to flirt with me.
  3. Republican friends/family said things like: I am progressive on social issues, but why does being gay have to be such a big deal?  They began using words like "waiting" and "inevitable" to talk about equal rights.
  4. Assumptions were made about me: I am pro-choice; I love cats; I care about football; I like camping; I find femmes attractive.  Want to guess how many of these five things are true?  People's assumptions fit me about as well as men's fitted shirts tend to.
  5. Straight progressive friends began using the word "partner" to refer to their opposite-sex spouse in front of me.
  6. Couples who were friends with both my ex-husband and I stopped calling either of us--particularly me.  Oddly, this seemed to be most true for lesbian couples, some members of which began treating me like a pariah for reasons that remain unclear to me.
  7. I got stared at sometimes in the market or at the post office or in class or on a hike.  I couldn't figure out why.  And then I remembered: I look gender-atypical, and some people care about this and/or find it interesting to look at.
  8. A certain, mercifully rare brand of bitchy gay man hated me upon meeting me--fiercely and without apparent reason.
  9. I was automatically given some kind of "progressive" cred among hipstery friends who had previously considered me a bit of a traditionalist (albeit a liberal one) before.  
  10. Even when I didn't want to think about my sexuality, which was a lot of the time, my sexuality was made an issue.
  11. People no longer assumed family-ish things about me, such as: I would have kids someday, I would go home for Christmas.
  12. Many straight friends rarely asked me if I was seeing anyone (even though relationships had always been a frequent topic of conversation).
  13. One or two very good friends claimed not to care about my sexual orientation, but were visibly uncomfortable when I came out to them, and then mysteriously stopped being your friends, and I will never be 100% sure if my sexuality was the reason.
  14. I suddenly noticed the overwhelming presence of heterosexist assumptions basically...  everywhere.  Movies, books, everything.  Supposedly gay people were 5-10% of the population, but it didn't feel like I was represented in 5-10% of media.
  15. I would try to be friendly to strangers, as was my custom, in the grocery store or whatever, and they were extremely rude to me.  I did  not know why. Of course, this happens occasionally to everyone, but it started happening more than ever before. I didn't know if people were getting meaner, or if my patently obvious homosexuality was the cause of their rudeness.

As I said, I'm only listing the negative or neutral things here, and I'm making a lot of generalizations.  So please don't take the list too literally.

Still, it was incredibly trippy to feel like I had stayed the same, but all these elements of the social world had suddenly changed around me.

Do any of these hit home with you? 


26 Comments
Manda S
9/12/2012 09:30:14 am

Some of those hit home for sure particularly after my divorce despite the fact that the majority of people I knew, already knew I was gay long before that. The few married couple friends I had stopped speaking to me particularly the women.
I look pretty femme and when people find out I'm gay I do get some rudeness from neighbors or random people I know. Along with the assumption that I "must be the woman". Great points to think on. Always enjoy your blog :)

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Jolie
9/12/2012 09:35:17 am

I lost a job when I came out a work. The secretary that I worked with asked me about my gf who was picking me up and taking me to lunch everyday. When I told her she was my gf, this woman backed away from me like I was going to pounce on her. So I had to explain to her that just because I am attracted to women, does not mean I am attracted to all of them. So I don't know if she was more offended that I wasn't attracted to her, or because I was a lesbian. But within a few days I lost my job...she had seniority.

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Heidi Mahon
9/12/2012 09:43:23 am

EVERYTHING you have said applies to me as well!

I femmed up the other day = wore a tight fitting black lycra top under an open business shirt with my normal black jeans and boots.

My best friend openly told me that she was uncomfortable, as it isn't the way she 'pictured' me.

Straight men stared me up and down & focused on my breasts. This was uncomfortable for me as it was so obvious. I'm used to being ignored by hets, so I got a taste of the reverse - what straight women put up with on a daily basis!!

That said, it was comfortable, and I'll wear it again (not that I'm giving up on my ties!!)

H

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NR
9/12/2012 11:10:28 am

Heidi-- this is so true! I'm pretty butch 99% of the time, but every now and then I have a "girly" day and it always baffles me how differently I get treated... actually, I find people are much nicer too me as a femme, approach more readily, are quicker to do me favors... I've mostly stopped doing it because it bothers me how much nicer people are to me when I look "pretty," even if I'm so much less able to be helpful to others in heels and the like.

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smf
9/12/2012 09:44:30 am

Now just make that highly visible and a source for asinine competition and this whole thing is me.

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smf
9/12/2012 09:46:34 am

I meant make that highly visible to men and add asinine competition-and this whole thing is me.

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Loe
9/12/2012 09:49:15 am

Number 13 strikes home with me. My best friend since middle school seemed quite accepting when I told her, but... communication kind of stopped between us after then. It was a slow death, first she'd just ask me about work, school etc., without delving into any talk of my personal life (when we used to spend hours upon hours talking about guys), and one day we just didn't talk anymore.

I still wonder if me coming out to her was the reason, and I may never know.

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Chelsea
9/12/2012 09:49:40 am

People assume that I like femme girls (even though I'm femme myself which would go against the "stereotypical gay" couple). People also assumed that I would get turned on by seeing naked girls ect. Like I'm suddenly more likely to be a pervert. People are also often surprised that I am lesbian because I don't look butch. They would assume I was either bisexual or straight. Some think that I would change if I ever "tried men".

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NR
9/12/2012 11:13:31 am

I've "tried men"... and if anything it made me gayer.

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w
9/16/2012 11:59:22 am

Yeah.. i've "tried men" as well... definitely integral in discovering my affinity to women!

suzanne
9/12/2012 10:43:04 am

when I came out my best friend abruptly cancelled a vacation we had planned together and she considered herself liberal and gay friendly, with many malegay friends! humpf! its amazing how all my "opened minded" and "liberal" straight friends have fallen off the radar!

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Cirrus
9/12/2012 11:15:34 am

Ha! I've always loved that one from straight women: Totally progressive and gay-friendly AS LONG AS WE'RE ALL CLEAR THAT EVERYONE LIKES PENISES OKAY. And then the men are exactly the opposite and want to share halves of a BFF necklace shaped like a pair of breasts.

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NR
9/12/2012 11:05:53 am

Thank you for this! A lot of these really ring true for me, too. I can't stand the assumption that I only like femmes or that I'm always the Top or that I suddenly care about sports I didn't used to. (I am a crazy cat lady, though...) One I did not experience was that my straight friends stopped asking about my relationships-- if anything, they've asked more often (once a friend asked me if I'd started dating someone 3 times in one week!) and they've started trying to set me up with all these "cute girls [they] know"! This has really gotten much worse since Marriage Equality became a frontline issue, and now my straight girl friends want to know what all my wedding plans are... for a girlfriend I don't have... and even though they all know I don't really dig marriage, even if I believe in marriage equality. It's annoying. It's like they expect me to be like all of them since Marriage is SO Gay now.

Men definitely don't see me most of the time-- which I am extremely grateful for-- but when they do it's usually a scary situation. I get confused when folks stare at me. Last week, this little girl, maybe 10 years old, would not stop staring at my in the grocery story. I smiled at her and she smiled back, then returned to staring. After a good 5 minutes of this, my only conclusion was that I must be the first dyke she'd ever seen!

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CJ
9/12/2012 11:33:14 am

I went through a transition from "relaxed femme" to "soft butch" (this included cutting my hair) over a span of about a year or so (2009ish). Since then, I have not been hit on by a man (yay!) but I have also noticed that a lot of men aren't sure how to approach me. I'm not super tomboyish...I'm not loud, I'm not into sports, and I'm obviously not a man. "Typical" guys are generally standoffish with me until they get to know me.

I am very open about my relationship with my girlfriend because we have been together 5 years, live together, and are basically married. I started a new job in May and she inevitably came up in every conversation I had with every new person I met (I had to drive my girlfriend's car to work today, we adopted this dog in March, etc.). In trying to make friendly conversation with me during my second week, a guy in the office came up to me and said, "Soooo.....how does your girlfriend feel about you having this new job? Does she uhhhhhh miss you when you're at work all day?" Incredibly awkward question. I was like...what? No, she's a lawyer, and she works all day as well, and I had a full-time job before this one. It was very obvious that he asked that question because he couldn't figure out how he was supposed to relate to me.

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Samantha
9/12/2012 01:59:22 pm

I still have trouble getting my friends (even some of my closest gay friends!) to understand that just because I'm a lesbian does not mean I am automatically going to be attracted to every other lesbian in the entire world. I've experienced a lot of resistance and confusion from them when I try to explain that I like butch girls. I know they're imagining the most unflattering, stereotypical image of a butch they can possibly think of...as if being butch means you're totally hopeless, have no clue how to dress yourself and think you're a man. Another popular one with me is when they say I'm the "girl", to which I now reply, "We're lesbians, so we're both girls" because I'm tired of explaining it every time. I didn't realize that it was my job to paint my nails and spend several hours a day doing my hair just because I look good in a skirt. Or when my straight friends and family bring up the fact that I used to date men...implying that I could still do it, and if I'm just going to date butches what's the difference? Ummm...really? Are you kidding me?That one bother me the most, although "straight men at parties" is becoming a close second: that awkward moment when a guy is hitting on me and immediately after telling him I'm a lesbian (for about the 5th time) the conversation spirals into him explaining that I can't possibly know I'm "for sure a lesbian" because I've never had sex with HIM...and/or groping me. "Oh, I didn't realize that you were the greatest lover in the world. Please put your pervert hands up my shirt and turn me straight!" Idiots.

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robyn
9/12/2012 08:01:02 pm

well; this will throw you all; came out of a very abusive relationship just over 4yrs ago and the ONLY person who supported me bar my parents and 2 now deceased gfs is my exhusband; i am who i am at any given point in time; am THE carer for my terminally ill dad as mum passed after ex went ape (strange that, brain cancer) i dress according to what eva i might need to do for with dad; live small redneck town,no probs as thet know and about exhub being friend and they accept; admittedly extranneous circumstances but am accepted for who/what i am

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Kitty
9/12/2012 10:00:01 pm

I blend in well with society most days. I look like the majority of heterosexual females out there. I have been married more than once, to men, and have children which only makes me look more straight. Because of this men are always really nice to me when they first meet me but always turns out they just wanted to date me. Once I break the news I have to listen to them tell me how I am broken, what a shame it is, how I just need to meet the right guy, how they could change me. Each time I just feel like yelling, "Leave me the f%#$ alone!!!!" Do they realize each time they do that it just reinforces my low opinion of straight men and how they are completely unable to think beyond their penises? Pathetic!
Another way my life has changed is that family members no longer treat me like I have worth. Even ones that preach equality will make comments about how they think two women together is sick and those women should seek professional help, etc. It's like they rejoice in making me feel like I am less than human. These days I am less hurt, more annoyed, and have lost a lot of respect for them.
I have found that the gay bar scene here is more about drama and head games than a place to gather with others like ourselves. So I seldom go there anymore. Which leaves me with very few gays in my life, surrounded by straights constantly pressuring me to "go back."
Also, I work with the public and find that there are times I worry about my safety.

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Heather link
9/13/2012 05:32:32 am

I'm sorry that you went through this.
Coming out of the closet has definitely been a bit of a journey for me, but I have maintained my feminine appearance (because that's who I am inside). I hate the thought that people are treating you differently because you look less girly.
It's not fair. Sorry that society still sucks. :(

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Blackmuddyriver
9/13/2012 06:41:04 am

i have been becoming butch over the last year after realising I was gay and I could finally giving trying to look at least slightly femme and being completely hopeless at it. I don't know, I suspect New Zealand is generally a bit more tolerant - I've gone through a complete revolution in my appearance at work and have had very little reaction except from an obviously gay guy who said he really liked my hair.

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Blackmuddyriver
9/13/2012 06:45:42 am

I find that I am so much more myself now that I am a more attractive person generally - my sister did visit and never said a word about my radically different hair cut - so who knows what she was thinking. For I found as a heterosexual I was invisible to both men and woman - now all of a sudden at 47 I'm apparently suddenly "hot" and get a lot of attention from gay women I never got from either sex before - I'm loving it.

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Blackmuddyriver
9/13/2012 06:53:09 am

*For me I ...

I just feel so much more stylish as a butch - I look so much better - if anything I get more positive reactions than before. I do think there is a bit less hostility in NZ generally though as there is not such a large fundamentalist element.

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Ed link
9/13/2012 09:16:06 am

Number 13. but in sort of a reverse way.

Once Upon A Time I had a friend...

She had not come out yet when we met. In fact, she was living with a guy, had been for several years, although that was rapidly coming to an end. I mention this because there was never anything romantic or sexual between us. There was physical attraction in the beginning on my part, but I was happy to shelve that for the sake of maintaining our friendship.

We could talk about anything, and we did. The conversations we had would run for hours, more than once we'd meet in the evening, go back to her place or mine and talk until sunrise. I was one of the first people she came out to. I was incredibly honored that she thought highly enough of me to do so. I was so happy for her that she could finally talk about it because it wasn't a surprise to me, I had been watching her grow in that direction for a while.

She threw herself into her new life with a passion. She was always very political and she immersed herself in “womens studies” scene at the university. I saw much less of her. It was during this time that I decided that I needed to consciously sort out how I felt about her because I knew that I loved her, but in a way I had never experienced before with anyone.

I came to realize that I loved her unconditionally. I wanted nothing from her, I expected nothing from her, I asked nothing of her. I knew she didn't feel the same way and I was not trying to change that. She was happy now, finally, really happy. It was enough for me to know that she was in the world and happy.

So I sent her a letter telling her how I felt. At this point she had met the woman that, as far as I know, she is still with today. I was careful to make sure that she understood that this was NOT a “romantic” pitch. It wasn't a “declaration” I simply wanted her to know this.

She wrote back to tell me, in essence, that I wouldn't fit in with her new circle of friends, to put it mildly, as a result, she never wanted to see, speak to or hear from me ever again.

That was twenty-six years ago. I still cry when I think about it. I've never had another relationship end that caused me as much pain, and for reasons I do not fully understand, the pain never diminishes.

I'm almost afraid to ask, but, has this happened to anyone else? I have yet to meet someone who has had a similar experience.

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Islemay link
9/15/2012 10:10:53 am

Almost all of what BW says ring true, but here are a few more I can add to the list:

1) I became the high priest/ess of the gays. My fem and bi friends started to feel like they had to prove their queerness to me because I was so obviously the "real-deal" *see point 9.

2) People started to assume I was hooking up with new queer women who entered our social circle (sometimes they were right!).

3) Some of my male friends let me into their "boys club." Basically they didn't hold in check their objectifying comments about other women, because they assumed I felt the same.

4) To my surprise I started to acquire what ever the lesbian equivalent of "fag hag" is.

5) No cat calls. Ever.

6) Flirtations women don't view me as competition. Sometimes they flirt with me.

7) Male friends would sheepishly ask my advice on (the apparent mysteries of) the female anatomy.

8) People assumed I was only attracted to fems.

9) My identity as a bisexual was completely dismissed by both queer and straight friends (how can I look so much like a lesbian and still be attracted to the occasional man?).

10) People who are just figuring out their sexuality come out to me, again perhaps because I'm so obviously the "real-deal."

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Kali
9/16/2012 10:44:31 pm

What annoys me most is when I'm deliberately excluded from "girly" conversations, about families and babies etc. A work friend needed a tampon and nobody had any, she didn't even think to ask me because she automatically read me as male. It makes me feel like less of a woman when things like that happen, but not enough that I want to go back to being miserably femme to blend in. Their problems, not mine.

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TJ
9/17/2012 01:02:55 pm

I've never had the experience of going from a straight-looking het woman to a butch lesbian so I can't speak to that. I have gone from a straight-ish looking het woman to a usually straight-ish looking bisexual woman though. I'm not planning any massive appearance overhaul either. I'm not any more interested in bending and contorting myself to fit queer stereotypes than I am in fitting straight ones. I'm still gonna be that ambiguous chick in the corner wearing a sundress and combat boots because that's just me.

It's funny the subtle ways people craft assumptions about you based on your looks and what they know of your sexual orientation. The assumptions I get now that an increasing number of people are aware of my real sexuality include an assumption on the part of nearly everyone that I prefer men to women because, of course, penises are magical and all bi women really want a partner who has one in the end. (Yeah, not so much.) People also assume that I prefer other femme girls because, of course, all bisexual women want their same sex partners to be the kind of chicks that men want to see them getting it on with. (I strongly prefer butches thank you very much and am not interested in making my sexuality a dog-and-pony show for straight men anyway.) There is also an assumption that I am sexually indiscriminate or the person to call for threesomes and orgies. (Yeah... nope.) Besides, femme bisexual chicks aren't serious queers anyway, right?

I've never gotten inordinate amounts of attention from straight men because I am the polar opposite of what this society finds beautiful, Much of the attention I do get comes with ulterior motives that I won't deal with. Interestingly, one of my queer friends said that one of the clues that tipped her off to the fact that I was queer too was the fact that I liked men ok but didn't treat penises like some magical trump card or go out of my way to attract and keep the male gaze.

It will be interesting to see how my coming out unfolds...

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Adam
10/18/2012 10:42:26 am

I didn't know that you didn't like camping! What's up with that? You have a subaru therefore, you must like camping...

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