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I've been feeling a little off-kilter lately, dear readers. A close friend just lost her brother, my grandmother had a medical scare, and my very healthy aunt (who's only in her 50s) had a heart attack--all in the same week. These are the kinds of things that give me pause and make me wonder: if I died today, what would the point of my life have been?
(Maybe I'm thinking about all this stuff because I'm down with another cold, and when I'm sick, I feel vulnerable.) Maybe it sounds trite, but when I think of the lives of the three people I mentioned above, they've all had various effects on me, small and large, even though one of them (my friend's brother) I never met. They've all brought some measure of joy to my life, and I am grateful for that. This made me wonder: do I bring joy to anyone? If so, is that enough for me to feel like I've lived a useful life? I like my work and think it's useful, but it's useful in an attenuated way rather than an immediate one. It's not like I'm not a pathbreaking cancer researcher or an EMT or an organizer for social justice. My DXH (that's Dear Ex-Husband) and I used to have a conversation wherein he would talk about how he just wanted to keep his own little corner of the world clean--to make an impact on a local level and help those around him. I would tell him that for me, that wasn't enough--that I needed to have a bigger impact or I'd never feel like my life had been useful. Ironically, he's now in a job where he has very clear, large-scale positive impact, and I am not. At the same time, I don't think either of us has regrets about our career choices. My DP (Dear Partner, to whom I've formerly referred as my DGF, but "girlfriend" feels a little too trite, I've decided, so she's henceforth DP) and I talk about this, too. She wonders whether she's having enough positive impact on the world. This is a woman whose quirky jokes can instantly brighten a room, who has volunteered for disaster relief, and who has informally mentored others in her workplace. I find it mind-boggling that she could even begin to question her own positive impact. Yet I question my own, so I understand. If I'm quietly content to live out my life helping others where I can, bringing joy to people in conversations and maybe occasionally through my writing, is this a life well lived? If I spend a lot of my time cultivating a kind of inner contentment through gardening, drawing, and other solo pursuits, does that denote zen-like virtue, or is it a cop-out? I don't think other people have any particular obligation, but I haven't yet decided what kind of standard I'll hold myself to. I just know that I want to be accountable. Does anyone else ever struggle with this?
9 Comments
3/18/2015 05:29:12 am
yes. had a health scare 6 months ago, forcing me to see how I have limited myself and need to keep growing changing. The priorities I think are all different for each of us, as we are unique. Basically finding ways to open my heart and live out of love and joy, changing lots of little daily habits and larger mental/emotional habits.
catmo
3/18/2015 06:46:28 am
Every damn day! You're not alone. For me, life just keeps getting in the way. I was really happy and proud of the work I was doing as an emergency vet tech. After 16 yrs, (August) I left. The business ethics, had changed, and I had not. I no longer felt like I was working for people with morals. Since, I've been struggling with a need to make a difference... to help. I'm finally getting my new foster dog "Maddy". She'll be flying in from a high kill shelter in NC. Eventually, I'd like to donate my artwork for animal welfare fundraising. (Know a good cause, hit me up). Oh, and...I've said it before....Butch Wonders, has been an awesome source of entertainment, information and community! I found a big part of Me, through BW! Thank you.
Rocket
3/18/2015 10:27:52 am
Hi BW, I have never posted before, but I am an avid reader. I can tell you one thing you have achieved with your blog - you are bringing people together who might otherwise be very isolated, for one reason or another. I am one such person. Though I live in an LGBT-friendly area, I have had a lot of problems the last few years with job loss and illness, and a lot of "friends" I thought I had have let me down. I have a good new job now (good, except I'm not sure yet if it's safe to be out, so I still feel a bit out of place there), but am still getting over everything. Your new blogs are always a bright spot for me and I am just grateful that you publish them. They help ME for certain!
Quiet Reader
3/18/2015 06:03:20 pm
Dear BW,
Shawn
3/19/2015 02:34:45 am
I definitely deal with this same thing on a daily basis. Losing people in my life at young ages really wakes you up and think about your own life. If nothing else, thinking about this and consciously trying to do my best is making me a better person so hopefully in the end I'll feel like I did the best I could to make the world better.
Starlight
3/20/2015 09:27:49 pm
This is an important issue which I struggled with for a long time, in part because I recognised that the conventional route of gaining this sense of life validation - having children - was logically flawed and, frankly, didn't appeal to me.
Dianna Milburg
3/22/2015 04:49:36 pm
Hi BW, 3/26/2015 10:26:42 am
I feel this way a great deal. Every day I read about people who had this humongous affect on many many lives (I study Af Am history) and at the same time face the daily drudgery of teaching. I have some students who are already so brilliant, they don't need me. I have some students I try huge amount of things to help, but who don't accept it. And I have lots of students who I don't know if I help or not and will probably never know. All against a backdrop of extreme white ignorance and overt/covert racism that don't know how to take on.
Aj Darkwolf
3/28/2015 11:51:43 pm
Hello BW. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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