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What Do You Mean, I Always Seemed Like a Lesbian?

8/28/2011

15 Comments

 
I've been warming up to the idea of writing a post about what it was like to come out while married to a guy. While I am not quite ready for that post yet, I thought it might be fun to share some red flags (or, well, rainbow flags) I now see as clues that I was a big ol' lesbo. My DXH says that the only characteristic that gave him pause was my habit of keeping my wallet in my  left rear pocket, and when I was about to pay for something, reaching back with my left hand and whipping the wallet out of my pocket, “like a guy.”

I have a friend who came out while married to a woman.  Now he lives with his partner in the Bay Area, and collects little Wedgwood dish sets from the "Peter Rabbit" collection.  I told him that the collection had to be his gayest characteristic.  It turns out that he began building his collection while he was married.  If you can believe it, she didn't suspect a thing!  While my DXH and I might not have been quite that clueless, in retrospect we can both see  many characteristics that were… perhaps a tad dykey.
  1. My enduring penchant for fleece vests.
  2. In college, I joined the rugby team.  Shortly thereafter, I quit in part because I felt slightly uncomfortable being around so many lesbians. Even back then, I was big on gay rights, but that didn't mean I wanted to be tackled by a bunch of butch women.  Denial, anyone?  (Hmm...  I wonder how much I would pay now for exactly that opportunity.)
  3. Most of my crushes, from high school through college, were on men who later turned out to be gay.
  4. As a child, my favorite Halloween was the year I got to be a knight. I wore a mustache and carried a shield and sword. Awesome!
  5. Until I started dating women, I never really understood flirting. It always seemed a huge waste of time.
  6. For a couple of childhood years, there was nothing more I wanted in the world than a skateboard.
  7. Avoiding premarital sex never struck me as all that difficult.
  8. Two words: granny panties.
  9. L.L. Bean.
  10. REI.
  11. At one point in college, I joined a coming-out group—not because I thought I was gay—but because I  was dating a much older guy and felt like I needed some “relationship support.”  (What?!)
  12. I always wanted to shop in the boys' department, especially if it presented even a remote possibility of obtaining cargo pants.
  13. In high school, I was a member of various teams.  This sometimes involved traveling and staying in hotels. I hated having to share a bed with another girl. I would wait to see if she slept under the covers, or on top of them, and then I would do the opposite.  I was totally grossed out at the possibility that her leg might graze mine.
  14. I always found the idea of heterosexual sex fairly gross, the idea of gay male sex kind of hot, and the idea of lesbian sex unthinkably disgusting.
  15. My aversion to makeup, dresses, skirts, lace, and similar frivolity.
  16. I  hated purses, and stated this with clear, uncharacteristic rudeness whenever someone bestowed one on me as a gift.
  17. My complete obsession with major league baseball, which began at age five, and lasted until age 15 or 16.
  18. An inability to discern the romantic intentions of the opposite sex. In high school, I used to hang out with this guy, M. We would go to movies on the weekend, and even went to a couple of dances together. One Valentine's Day, he took me out, then at the end of the evening, gave me some scented bath stuff as a present, along with a Valentine's Day card that was signed “love, M.” It was only at this point that I began to wonder if he was interested in me romantically.  Before leaving, he leaned forward, and I gave him a big bear hug. At school the next day, he was cold to me, and I couldn't figure out why. Finally, one of his friends said to me rudely, “Would it have killed you to let him kiss you?” I was flabbergasted.
  19. In college, wanting to express my support for gay rights, I put a pink triangle sticker on my dorm door. Later, I learned that some of my dorm mates had taken this is a coming-out signal. Again: flabbergasted.
  20. As a kid, I was always insulted when someone called me a “tomboy.” I hated this term, because it suggested a stage—something fleeting—and I was sure that this was simply the way I was.
  21. Periodically, someone would tell me that I “walked like a dude.” This generally didn't bother me, but I was a little perplexed.
  22. Though I idolized my mother, I never wanted to learn anything that I saw as stereotypically female—cooking, sewing, etc.
  23. When I was a little kid playing house with other little kids, I always wanted to be the dad. 
  24. In third grade, we were given the opportunity to dress up as any character in a book we had read that year.  I chose an obscure character—one of no particular note, except that he always wore a tie. I was super excited to wear one of my dad's ties to school.
  25. I never wanted to play with dolls. People gave me Barbies, but instead of dressing them up, I would spend my time meticulously constructing houses for them out of cardboard.

Were there any bright rainbow "flags" in your life before you came out?

15 Comments
Anne
8/28/2011 05:35:27 am

My rainbow signals were as follows:
1. When i was 7 my favourite item of clothing was a pair of cargo pants with 14 pockets.
2. No one ever gave me dolls for christmas, I got Action men instead (i love my family!)
3. Ive only ever worn one dress - and i was 5 - its never happened again
4. Ive only ever had crushes on girls

I could go on - bottom line, i think almost everyone knew years aheda of me!

Reply
Alex
8/28/2011 05:36:02 am

I was also married when I came out and when I told my best college friend, he said, "Oh, so that's why you married DXH."

Reply
Wendi link
8/28/2011 05:49:49 am

1. I always played football with the boys in elementary school.
2. I played with Hot Wheels and Tonka trucks and built all kinds of roads and forts out of mud and snow.
3. Girls clothes made me feel awkward.
4. I was the only girl in high school on the JROTC rifle drill team where we tossed real rifles whose barrels were filled with lead.
5. I felt the need to not look down when showering with fifty other women while at boot camp after joining the Marines.
6. I always watched the women in pornos.
7. As an adult, I felt like a guy in drag when I dressed in women's clothes.

Wow. I could go on and on, as well. I didn't come out until I was 29 so the list is rather long.

Love this post, by the way!

Reply
NR
8/28/2011 05:59:51 am

Oh, so many things that somehow never tipped me off...

1. Baseball, baseball and more baseball. I couldn't get enough of it, I was always insisting my dad take me to games and play catch with me, and I constantly ranted out how unfair it was that the girls had to play softball instead.
2. I was a total tomboy, and I loved when people called me that.
3. How amazing it felt when I chopped off more than 3 feet of long, long hair in middle school. Haven't had the patience to grow it back since.
4. Kickball! In elementary school, all my girl "friends" were playing tea party. I was playing kickball with the boys. I always dug the whole last name thing, too.
5. To add irony to the above, when I got to college my roommate and I started throwing themed tea parties. My favorite? "Drag Queen of England," where everyone had to dress in drag to drink tea and eat cake. I really can't think of anything much gayer.
6. I just feel way more relaxed around boys, since it never occurred to me I was supposed to be impressing them with my girlishness or lipstick or something.
7. Videos games, math, science-- all the geeky "guy" stuff are not only things I love, but things I excel at.
8. There's nothing more fun than building things. In fact, I'm not convinced my dad could of complete half the projects we did together without me.
9. Always hated skirts (and stockings!), and almost always wore shorts underneath if I was being forced to.
10. My general distaste and lack of aptitude when it comes to things like applying make-up, walking in heels, and plucking your eyebrows. I'm still not convinced I'm not missing some kind of "girl gene."
11. How insanely happy my rainbow tie-dye dress makes me, even though I almost never wear dresses anymore. I usually wear it with an A-shirt and combat boots. I was starting to figure it out by this point.

Reply
Allie
8/28/2011 07:10:09 am

Almost every thing on this list is me, I kid you not!
1) Almost every crush I had on a guy from 7th grade till I came out at 24
were all gay men, or majority of them were gay and that includes celebrities!
Example, all my friends loved Justin Timberlake, I did not, I wanted Lance Bass
for some reason. My sister use to joke with me about it, if I had a crush on a guy,
she'd say, "watch out he may be gay" then he would be and we would laugh. When I came out to her, she asked, "is that why you always crushed on guy dudes?"
2) I was raised by my dad, who was a superstar to me, and he sort of raised me like a boy when I was growing up. I was just not into girly things at all, still sort of that way.
3) I use to make my Barbies make out with one another when I was young. Sure some would date Ken, but to me it made more sense for them to date each other!
4)Xena: Warrior Princess! Enough said!
5)Always went to the boys section (still sometimes do) to get graphic tees, they always seemed to fit me better than the girls section, I still wear them all the time which annoys my family a bit!
6)I always thought straight girls wanted to have sex and be romantic with other girls, I think I read that somewhere in a magazine and sort of made it a rationalization of who I was.
7) Super de duper into science (but not math which I hate) sci-fi, horror and other nerd things of the sort. I can get into a real discussion about zombies and Doctor Who, lets also not forget about Torchwood which is just as great!
8) When I was 9-13 I use to sneak a peek at my dad's dirty magazines to look at the necked women. I use to say I was just "curious" but come on if that isn't pretty gay, then what is?
9) For school, I had to dress up as what I wanted to be. Other girls were mothers or wives, I was a lawyer (though I never really wanted to be one). I wore my Dad's suit and tie which is probably why I choose that profession. I was so proud to wear it and so happy to get to wear a tie!
10)Not having sex with a guy was super easy, I didn't know or understand why people complained about not doing it.
11) I didn't realize when guys liked me or flirted with me, even when my friends told me they were. To me guys were just guys, nothing special, they were just buddies that was all.
12) Guys were never ever good enough for me to pay attention to. They were either all cheaters or dogs who would hurt you, or so I told myself so I wouldn't date them. Now I know better, and yes I do realize that women can be this way too, I just don't care because I want to date women, not men.
13) Majority of my crushes if not gay were celebrity men! And yes I still have some crushes on celebrity guys, so what? Sue me, I love British actor Sacha Dhawan, Doctor Who's David Tennnant, Matt Smith and the most awesome man Johnny Depp! Who doesn't?!?

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allie
8/28/2011 07:14:20 am

Also forgot
14) Had sex with a dude when I was 18 to prove to myself that I wasn't gay! When he was done, five minutes later, I said, "great, now I can have sex with a woman and it so won't be gay if I do". I thought since I didn't throw up at his "body" touch or the sight of him in the nude meant that I wasn't gay, just bi curious!

Reply
cris
8/28/2011 08:33:06 am

i did not ask to play the dad it was assigned to me.
i dated a couple of guys in high school but only a couple of times. and it was awefull
i am one of the few lesbians who has never had sex with a man
i have sisters and my mother & grandparents gave us the same gifts for x mas and birthdays mostly dolls nd i gave them to my sister
i always knew i was a lesbian even at like 5
however i was extremely shy and was an alcoholic and drug addict way before i was in high school and after i became clean and sober when i was 25 was when i had my very 1st sexual experience with a woman. a very bad relationship experience but lead me to where i am now.

Reply
Alteredred
8/28/2011 09:24:41 am

Loved this post...although some of it seems more like, "how come I didn't realize I was butch" than just a lesbian....More on the femme spectrum here...
*always had crushes on guys who weren't overly masculine.

*or really liked my 'girlfriends'

*always made out with girls (hey, one of us would pretend we were a guy!)

*always had close female relationships

*had lesbians, tell me I was a lesbian (WTH?)

Weird how we don't notice things in ourselves. Good to have close friends who can point things out to us.

Keep posting!

A

Reply
Katie
8/28/2011 08:38:21 pm

The only person who was shocked by my coming out was my second oldest brother, and that was because he was living out of state.

1. In pre-school, I told everyone in my family that I was going to marry my classmate, Lena. (Then got upset when my sister called me a lesbian, even though I didn't know what it meant.)

2. In middle school, when my parents told me to try wearing girl-y girl clothes, I told them I felt like a drag queen.

3. By high school, I stole the clippers we used to trim the dog's fur, cleaned them out, and started giving myself buzzcuts.

4. Whenever the neighborhood kids would play out movies, I was always picked to play the lead male role even though there were multiple boys on the block.

5. While my older sister was pleased to play with Barbies, I was building mini houses with Janga blocks.

6. When I was drinking with friends in my late teens, I would always jump at the opportunity to "experiment" with girl friends.

7. I begged my parents to buy me combat boots throughout high school.

8. I would wear training bras that were super small just to strap down my breasts.

9. The one boy I dated in high school ended up being gay.

10. My first kiss with a boy I had a crush on completely disgusted me. But my first kiss from a girl (she unexpectedly smooched me) gave me butterflies for the rest of the day.

Reply
Val
8/31/2011 08:59:32 pm

1) I used to throw a tantrum every time my mom tried to put me in a dress. (few pics of me in a dress, I looked like I was ready to really hurt someone)

2) Played mostly with cars, bikes, lego’s. didn’t like barbies or dolls (I did turn one of my sister’s doll into chucky)

3) Age 6, my parents let me pick out my clothing for the first time (cargo pants, leather pants, and a blood-red sleeveless shirt)

4) Would play football with the guys, and totally refused to play “house” with the girls. Didn’t had girl friends, spent all my time with the boys.

5) First crush was on my neighbor, beautiful lady, I would follow here everywhere…everybody thought it was cute, turned out she was gay, her girlfriend (now wife, allowed to marry and adopt in Belgium) use to tease me about it…still do actually.

6) Had the major teacher crush at some point, strangely enough she was my GYM teacher (and I am pretty sure she was gay)

7) Total gamer, give me car games, and Halo and I’ll be happy.

8) Total tomboy and loved it when people called me that.

9) Would growl every time somebody called me a proper little lady. (my parents always said I had some kinda of animal blood, climb trees, love nature, hated being stuck in the house, was always outside running free, mom says I used to purr like a cat when I was a toddler, don’t believe it, it is impossible…right?)

10) When most of the girls got really interested in boys; I didn’t see what the fuss was all about. But my head would turn when a good looking girl would walk by.

11) First time I kissed a girl I knew for sure. (age 13, best birthday present ever!)

12) Never had make up on, last time my mom made me wear a dress was when I was 5. (Imagine my reaction when my sister made me the maid of honor at her wedding, after a long long long talk, she agreed (with a lot of pushing from my dad) that I could wear a tux.

I came out to my family when I was 18. Not a big shock for my mom (since I was 16 would let some hints fall into the conversation), dad had a more difficult time with it, but after a couple of months he was totally cool with it. They always had doubts, but once it was said, it seemed final for them. The day I told my brother he rushed to the pub for a beer, he and my sister where the only one who didn’t see anything coming. Big sis is still uneasy about it, even if I have been out for 9 years now, but hey living in a different country then your family means I only see them twice a year sometimes less!
Next month I am going back to my birth country for a weekend and my family is gonna meet the TGF (teacher girlfriend, yep got me a language teacher).
.

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Nikki W link
9/1/2011 08:02:47 am

1) All my ex-boyfriends are gay.
2)Although I'm a dress & heel loving femme, I look ridonkulous in them!
3)I bought my DXH LOTS of flannel shirts and cargo shorts and convinced him that he looked good with spiked hair.
4)I also convinced myself that he didn't have a penis but an "out-y vagina".

Reply
Joslyn
9/2/2011 02:31:58 am

1) My first boyfriend wanted to have sex with me (I was 16.) I was absolutely confused as to why he'd want to do that. When he told me that sexing male partners isn't abnormal, I balked and replied, "But...your dick would have to go inside me!"

2) My first kiss was with a girl. And the second, and the third.

3) My ex-nanny's daughter and I jumped in the shower together when I was about 12, after playing on the beach for several hours. She was several years older than me, and kept talking to me during said shower. My eyes never traveled above her waistline.

4) I had a crush on Ricky Martin as a child. 'Nuff said.

Reply
Kelly
10/3/2011 05:18:28 pm

At first, I couldn't tell if you were kidding about some of the stuff on your list. Not that I thought you made them up, but that you thought they were indicators. But after reading some other comments, I can see there were similar things from other people they felt were clearly indicators - some of which I wouldn't necessarily peg as such. I'm commenting on it partly because my heart aches for kids who become conscious of feeling different and partly because I think some of the things are shared by a wider spectrum of kids. I felt the same way about a number of things growing up, but I never questioned my sexuality (hetero) because of them. Like, I never wanted to wear dresses or feminine things, either. Barbies were not my favorite childhood toy (tho I didn't turn my nose up at them). I always loved sports, unlike most girls I knew before high school. I hated purses, too. Still do, though I have to put things somewhere and a messenger bag isn't always the best option. I was quite a bit naive and socially awkward through my 20s.
I'm just saying, for educational purposes, some of the entries could be indicative of lots of kids, without sexuality necessarily being an issue.
It is interesting to me how many people look back on their childhood habits as indicators, like they were trying to figure out which camp they indentified with. I thought you just knew, the struggle was figuring out how to be/what to say/being comfortable with being gay, not questioning it.

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SashaQ
7/29/2013 06:02:46 am

I know what you mean, Kelly.

My trans means I'm in touch with both my feminine male side and my masculine female side so I enjoyed playing with cars and swords and Lego as well as Barbies and Kens (although most if not all of them were romantically LGB, or T) and learned traditional gendered skills from both my parents, so I guess they're my rainbow flags, even though they're not experiences unique to me.

Flags for my orientation towards women would be crushes on my first teacher and a few schoolfriends as well as gay celebrities, and although I don't act the most butch (as I'm quite a scaredycat) and like a bit of nailvarnish every now and then, I don't wear makeup and don't wear dresses or skirts at all.

Great thought provoking post, BW!

Reply
M
10/13/2011 04:07:21 pm

hahaha, this post is like looking in a mirror. 14 especially -- gay sex was hot, straight sex meh/okay, but lesbian sex: INCREDIBLY GROSS.

I remember when I was 10ish I got this awesome boy's halloween costume -- it was a full-body skeleton suit and creepy in a realistic way. I was estatic over it, tho apparently my grandmother didn't understand why I wanted to cover up my "pretty face" and wear something so ugly.

I dunno if that's particularily gay or not. But damn, that really was an amazing costume.

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