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What Happens When We Get Mad?

6/4/2012

7 Comments

 
Earlier today, my DXH ("dear ex-husband") asked if I remembered trying to kick him out of bed several years ago.  Indeed, I do.  Here's what happened:

        We were going to sleep, and I was super mad at him for some reason I can no longer remember (I'm suuuure he was at fault, though).  I told him to go sleep on the couch.  He replied, "No." 
        "No?" I asked, incredulous.  "You can't just say no." 
        "Why should I be the one who sleeps on the couch?"
        "Because you're the man.  I'm the woman and I get to banish you to the couch if I want to."
        "What about gender equality?"
        At this point, having no good argument, I began physically trying to push him out of bed.  He was a lot bigger (and stronger) than me, so this was completely futile.  I tried with all my might, to the point of grunting loudly.  The scenario soon struck us both as so absurd that we started cracking up.  And it's hard to be mad when you're laughing.

Remembering this made me think about what kinds of things we do when we get mad.  My attempt to push my DXH out of bed was silly, but in the moment, it felt totally justifiable. 

As a kid, I had a temper.  (In high school, I even punched a hole in a door once.)  My anger was usually directed at myself: a mistake I'd made or a situation that felt unsolvable.  Somewhere along the way, 95% of my temper disappeared.  Vanished.  Kaput.  I'm usually good at diffusing my own anger before it gets directed at anyone else. 

But I have a confession to make: I am a leaver.  On the rare occasions I do get mad, my first impulse is to get the heck out of the house.  I become single-minded about getting in the car and driving as far away as I can.  Sometimes this clears my head within a few minutes, but usually it takes longer.  But for my DGF, walking out is the functional equivalent of saying, "I don't love you anymore."  And that's the last thing I want to say, even when I'm mad.  So without really thinking about it, I've found other ways to deal with being mad, and I thought I'd share some of them.
  • Force yourself to say, "I love you."  Even if you don't feel like you mean it in the moment.  Because as soon as you say it, it is likely to change the mood and give everything at least some perspective.
  • If you feel things getting heated, say something like, "I can feel myself getting mad and I need some time to think."  This way, you're taking control of your emotions and actually reflecting on them rather than just reacting. 
  • Go into your office (or some other space that's yours alone), close the door, and put Tool (or some other angry music) on your headphones.  Listen to it on full blast until the volume starts to get annoying, at which point you'll be able to think clearly again.
  • Go for a run.  Better yet, lift weights.
  • Cry.  It's okay to cry.  Sometimes anger expresses itself through tears.  If you don't want anyone to see you, go into the bathroom.
  • Pet the dog while taking deep breaths.  Dogs love you no matter what.  How can you stay angry when you're holding your dog?
What do you and your DGF do when you get mad?  What helps?  What do you wish you (or she) didn't do?

7 Comments
Jeannine
6/4/2012 01:23:11 pm

When we get mad at each other we don't talk for about 2 hours. Then one of us will just start a random conversation and then work in what the fight was about. We learned the hard way that we needed to take a break before things get to bad.

Reply
Turtle
6/4/2012 01:55:28 pm

I have a horrible tendancy to explode and say a bunch stupid ish. its part of my damage, im workin on it. I try to look beyond the words when were arguing and think of all the ways she loves and takes care of me before I say something stupid. shes fragile, and words are like daggers for her... saying stupid ish... something I wish I wouldnt do... getting better though.. mind over mouth

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Lisa
6/4/2012 09:33:49 pm

We both clam up, just don't talk. We will sit in opposite parts of the house for a while. But neither can take the silence very long. It's very hard for me to find my words, so I like to text her. We started this relationship long distance, so text and email is how we fell in love. It is also a comfortable way for us to say difficult things. So we text from opposite ends of the house until we safe enough to meet back in the middle somewhere. Texting makes it eaiser to see the words being said without hearing the tone they were spoken in.

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Kris
6/5/2012 02:27:26 am

Too often anger is the "delivery system" for other emotions, namely hurt and disappointment. Anger makes us feel less vulnerable, more powerful and in control, safer. Take a breath and ask yourself if you are really angry or are you hurt or disappointed. Once you have identified the emotion, you can have a conversation.

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Catmo
6/5/2012 07:22:00 am

The wise BW. As always, nicely done.

Reply
DXH
6/6/2012 02:12:50 am

I fondly remember that incident as night as when the 1950's came to visit our house. It was all I could do not to grab a smoking jacket, a tumbler of scotch, and swallow all of my emotions.

Reply
Susan
6/6/2012 02:16:09 am

Some good suggestions here...cause I have a tendency to just wanna walk away...not forever, cause I love my wife to the ends of the earth! but I need to remove myself from the situation to "deflate"...and sometimes she still needs to talk about it...

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