When Should You Femme it Up? Plus: Me on the Radio!

10/25/2011

Hey, I was on the radio yesterday! Here's a link to the show.

The interview improves as it goes along. I was slightly shaken by talking about my divorce right at the start, but I told Emily Cherin, who hosts "All Things Gay," as long as my anonymity was maintained, anything was fair game, so good for her for cutting right to the chase! In any case, it was fabulously fun. I'm just glad no one's said I have a "great face for radio."

One of the things we talked about was when to deviate from deviance. (I'm using "deviant" only in the technical sense: different from the norm.) Many butches deviate from average female gender presentation daily. But should we ever feel compelled to "femme it up" a little? Here are some possibilities, along with my recommendations.

Situation: You're going somewhere where appearing butch might open you to the possibility of physical harm.
Verdict: Femme it up.
Reasoning: For me, safety comes before psychic or physical comfort. If you think you might be in danger somewhere, dress accordingly. And don't bind. Heck, don't even wear a sports bra if you have a choice. That's a dead giveaway. (I know butches who pass as male when they travel. If you want to try that, fine, but this can become very risky if someone figures it out.)

Situation: You're asked to be a bridesmaid at a traditional wedding, and your friend really wants you to wear what the other bridesmaids are wearing.
Verdict: Toss-up.
Reasoning: Maybe if it means more to your friend than anything in the world, it's worth it to suck it up and put on the satin yellow thing she's trying to foist on you. Then again, if she's truly a friend, wouldn't she understand that you'd be more at home in a tux and nice vest? Try reasoning with her, offering to wear what the groomsmen are wearing. If this fails, offer to take another role, like usher. This is a sticky situation, and ultimately, it's your call. If you decide to go for it, I recommend surrendering fashion decisions to the other bridesmaids, closing your eyes, and thinking of England.

Situation: You're visiting your grandparents and your parents ask you to not to wear something masculine.
Verdict: Play nice, but don't femme it up.
Reasoning: Your family loves you no matter what... but sometimes they need to be nudged into accepting gender nonconformity. It's amazing what people can get used to (and sometimes we don't give them enough credit). But if you never push them, they'll never change. That said, maybe you don't need to wear a tie to Thanksgiving. How about khakis and a sweater? You're not compromising your identity, nor will you give Grandma a coronary.

Situation: You're interviewing for a job in a conservative industry.
Verdict: Don't femme it up.
Reasoning: Unless you plan to femme it up every day on the job, don't do it in the interview. A nice dark suit--men's or women's--is fine. (I recommend matching the gender of your suit to the gender of your shoes; your look will be more coherent.) You'll interview better if you're physically comfortable. My interview go-to outfit is a dark grey men's suit, black Ecco men's shoes, and a lavender or light green men's dress shirt (tie optional). Would you really want to work for an employer who balks at hiring a butch?

What's the toughest decision YOU'VE ever had to make re: whether to femme it up? What did you do?

20 Comments

Rhys link

10/25/2011 11:45:47 am

I'm traveling to Iraq in early 2012 to make a documentary film, and it is IMPERATIVE that I wear gender-conforming clothing, as well as cover my head with a hijab. I'm trans – and I plan on starting testosterone. In fact, the only reason I'm not starting T now is because of this film. I cannot be kept safe while in Iraq if I'm in the middle of a gender transition. Additionally, I'll be working with children, and the way for me to get the best possible footage is to be able to build a rapport with the mothers and their children. I truly don't even think I'd be able to do that as a guy, even if I was finished with my transition and had my gender marker and name changed.

This is one of those situations when I absolutely must conform. It's a safety issue, and it is a safety issue for the group that is hosting me while I'm in Iraq. They live and work there full time, and I cannot compromise their safety or their reputation. It could not only cause them physical harm, but it could very much compromise the amazing work they're doing there to help save the lives of Iraqi children.

This trip is just not about gender, at all, and it is not the appropriate situation to try to fight for equal rights and ending discrimination or promoting acceptance of gender nonconformity. This is one of those times when I must conform. For my safety, for the mission of my work, for the safety of others, and for the sake of the quality of work I'm producing, though that is very much last on the list.

-Rhys

Suzi

10/25/2011 01:30:25 pm

This is such a tough issue for me. The only time I ever consider “femming it up” is when I am meeting/working with clients that may raise an eyebrow at me in a men’s suite and tie. The company I work for is fantastic and I’ve always felt comfortable dressing in men’s clothes in my office. Some of the clients we work with though, can be very traditional (lots of government agencies). When I’m meeting with these folks in environments where formal business attire is expected, my concern is not that someone may “look at me funny” but that my attire will detract from me being taken seriously, that folks will get too caught up in their own discomfort with what I’m wearing and loose track of the work we are trying to get accomplished.

In my 10 years or so in the professional world I inhabit, I have never seen a woman in a man’s suit and tie at any professional events or meetings I’ve been to. Yes, I’ve seen plenty of butch women (or at least women who appear butch) but they never quite cross that line, they are usually in a fairly androgynous women’s suit, for less formal occasions a button down and slacks, but I have yet to see a woman sport a tie.

Right now I’m still hovering around the “tie line”. I’ve crossed it and worn a tie on some occasions, and I gotta say, it felt great! I *felt* good about how I looked and felt good about myself. (As opposed to feeling not quite at home in my own skin when I wear women’s suits.) The first time I did this I was nervous. My colleague and I drove to the meeting together and upon seeing me her first comment was “you look great”! That was reassuring. After the first few minutes of pre-meeting schmoozing I was totally at ease.

Despite this positive experience, and several other similar ones since then, I’m still not confident enough to “assume” I can go that route for all similar occasions. I still have the think about who’s going to be at the meeting, how they may react, what they may think…I hate that I have to go through this process, but I do. Those doubts and fears about how others will evaluate me, and more importantly, how those evaluations will influence my effectiveness in my job, keep me from always being able proudly march across that tie line.

Cristine

10/25/2011 02:06:45 pm

unless i am traceling to a country where i could be put in serious harm i would never and i mean never femme it up. and the chances of me traveling to one of those countries is almost none.

i am who i am. period. if someone has an issue with me it is their issue not mine and i rarely have problems anywhere. actually the last time i had an issue with someone was about 20 years ago and it was from a bi reacial couple which i found kinda weird

Carrie

10/25/2011 03:13:35 pm

@Rhys - You almost sound like you're still working on justifying it to yourself, and I can only imagine how hard it will be when you're looking forward to transition, but it sounds like you've made the right decision - if you're going to go and do this work, this is how you have to do it. I hope that you have ample emotional and mental support during the time you're there so that it's as easy as it can be.

Re: general discussion - I was told again and again in high school, by my parents, by the authority figures at my (redneck, small town, backwards) school, to tone it down, not be so obvious, so over the top. Apparently a buzzed haircut and guys' jeans and polo shirts were justification for throwing rocks, cracking ribs, and other forms of harassment...and had I just dressed like a girl, everyone would have left me alone.

So needless to say, I'm pretty resistant to any circumstance that might cause me to have to "femme it up." Since I'm not a dumb kid anymore, I probably would do so if it truly would make a difference in my safety....but I'm not sure how much it would have helped in school, after the word was already out.

JustMe

10/25/2011 04:06:11 pm

Here's a nice embarrassing one. I am attracted to other butches. When I first tried to date one, I tried to femme it up for her, picking up hints about things she liked (for example she's say "Oh No" if I announced an imminent haircut. And she was skeptical and questioning about my working out with weights).

Conclusion: femming it up for a date was a mistake that I'll never repeat. I felt awkward and silly, and it transferred over to my behavior as well. I felt I had to laugh every time she joked, act a bit ditzy, and swoon a lot. I'm sure the fact that I wasn't my real self was one big reason it did not work out for us.

Come as you are! (except in the extreme cases cited above)

Victoria link

10/25/2011 09:49:38 pm

My partner and I drove through the deep South to visit my mum in TN, and there were several times she threw on my giant straw floppy hat when she got out to pump gas. Once she even had it on when she had the hood up to see if we were overheating, and some guy in overalls with a gun rack on his truck came over and offered to help. She was damn glad she had on my ridiculous hat. Safety trumps identity every time!

When we moved to England her family was worried she was too butch to get a job here. And when she was offered a job, they said they were offering it on condition that she 'wear a bit more make up and soften up a bit'. She needed the job so she did it, and she's never been more miserable. It took a terrible toll on her self esteem, and after eight months we decided no job was worth it.

Great blog, as always. :)

10/26/2011 01:09:54 am

@Carrie – thanks, and yes... I am definitely still trying to wrap my head around it. I do have support, but I think I'm really starting to realize how difficult it's going to be. I went the other day to look at some appropriate clothing, and I couldn't even bring myself to try it on. It's going to be really, really hard. BUT. It's going to be worth it. And this truly is what I have to do.

Thanks for the kind words.

-Rhys

Anne

10/26/2011 04:10:18 am

Job interviews have always been the tough one for me - I think people over here in England are more conservative, particularly away from the major cities. For my last interview for a permanent job back in 2002 I wore a ladies suit with a skirt - I hated it but I got the job. i will never know if that wa sbecause of how I dressed. Though my boss subsequently told me she had liked my purple blouse! However ive sinced starting working for myself and when i go to interviews now for contract jobs or consultancy positions I wear smart casual mens clothing - and so far it hasnt had any negative impacts. This may be due to my client group (public sector) or itmay just be because actually I perform better when im comfortable and being myself and that comes across when they inetrview me.
I dont think i could wear make up if my life depended on it since I last did so when i was 17 at a fancy dress party and im now 45!
Aty the end of the day we all have to do what we need to to get through but for myself - I would rather be poor than work for someone that dictates what i can and can't wear - it just isnt worth it.

And as for the wedding question - persuade the freind to let you go in something you are comfortable in, dont be miserable in a dress all day if you dont wnat to wera it, it will just spoil the photos...!

Ciaran

10/30/2011 12:14:02 pm

I "femmed it up" when I came out in the twenties, trying to deny my internal homophobia as butches being detestable stereotypes and I refused to conform to anything.

It made me miserable...I felt like an uncomfortable fraud who hated my long hair and my feeble attempts at what I thought feminity was.

When I left a crappy relationship and 'transitioned' out of 'femming it up' it was the most confident and empowered I ever felt.

Leaving my notions of lesbian stereotypes and getting to know more about butch identity means I will never sacrifice my selfhood for the sake of comfort in a gender binary that does a disservice not just to the LGBT community, but straight people too.

Brooke

11/2/2011 07:37:49 am

I am majoring in Secondary Education and I have to have a certain number of hours in a school before I start my student teaching. With the profession comes certain expectations as to how one must dress. And I have been told by several people (professors and my classmates) that I have to femme it up or face serious consequences. I am from the south and I have also been told that because sexual orientation is not protected in the discrimination laws that once I get a job, I could be fired for simply being a lesbian. I femmed it up the first few weeks but it got to the point where I could not take it any more. I have been wearing clothing from the men's department and so far nothing has been said to me. The only thing that has remained semi-femme about me is my hair. It is about shoulder length and I either have to flat iron it or put it up. I have talked about getting it cut but those I have talked to have told me that cutting my hair would be pushing it over the line. I plan on continuing wearing what I am comfortable in until something is said to me. Even if something gets said, I plan on standing my ground on my right to wear clothes I am comfortable wearing. In my opinion, my abilities as a future teacher should be way more important than me dressing in femme clothing. As long as I dress professionally and act professionally, nothing else should matter. A person cannot teach if they are uncomfortable. I feel that the only way to have things change is to keep pushing for them. And I am determined to push until I see that change happen.

Butch Wonders link

11/2/2011 08:31:45 am

Wow, what thoughtful responses.

I love the idea of dressing how you want, no matter what, screw anybody who thinks otherwise, etc., Cris. But on a realistic level, I guess that would mean some jobs are off limits. In most states, for example, can you imagine how people would react to a female defense attorney in a tie? I feel like it could compromise her client's chances of an acquittal. I can imagine other jobs like that, too. Politician, for one. Suuure, there are a few exceptions out there, especially if you happen to live in San Francisco or Northampton. But most people do not. I think it's a really hard call. My discomfort with femming it up has definitely steered me away from certain jobs. And I've been told that my butchiness could present a problem in the future, too. (Although for me, I think being myself is worth it--I'm not a defense attorney or anything; no one's life is on the line with my job.)

Tough stuff to think about, though.

And @Brooke: That is a HARD situation. Will you be up for tenure soon? Once you get it, can you start wearing what you want and cutting your hair as you want? Because even though in many states, it's true that you can be fired for being gay, it's also true that it can be hard to fire a teacher with tenure no matter what the circumstances.

11/2/2011 10:58:19 am

I'm still in college. And I'm not sure how long I will have to teach before I am able to get tenure. Even if I am awarded it, I could still get fired because homosexuality is viewed as immoral and any act that is viewed immoral is grounds for termination. I plan on pushing for change. And if they continue to refuse to accept the fact that homosexuals are entitled the same rights has heterosexuals, then I will move to a place where my teaching ability matters more than my sexuality.

amc

11/14/2011 01:00:18 am

Hey BW, I think I've listened to your radio interview, oh, about 10 times or so by now. I love it because you articulate so well many things that I myself have been feeling, like you're in drag when wearing women's clothing being just one. Thanks so much for doing this, and I'd love to hear more interviews from you in the future.

moncler uk link

11/21/2011 04:58:39 pm

" a little? Here are some possibilities, along with my recommendations.

Levi link

1/10/2012 01:58:21 am

I know this is awful late, but I've been reading the Ann Bannon books and I'm preoccupied with the fact that the only job Beebo can get in trousers is as an elevator boy, and even then she has to pass as male.

I'm so grateful I don't live in Beebo's world, even though as you point out, BW, things haven't changed everywhere. I graduated college a little over a year ago, and I'm still trying to figure out how far I can push the butch envelope. I've gotten compliments on my ties and even though one supervisor refuses to call me Levi and gets terribly offended when customers "he" me, the other is totally fine with it, so I think I've lucked out.

Once when traveling I somehow managed to pass as a man in a skirt (okay, so maybe I was binding)... the only thing that came of it was a bunch of young kids following me down the street and laughing at me, but I was completely freaked out. It was a liberal place, but I didn't trust my ability to gauge the danger point in a country where I didn't speak the language. I'm really not sure how I'll handle this in the future.

wdfortyplus

3/26/2012 08:53:03 pm

:-( clicked on the link to show and comes up with error 404 object not found.
Any other way of listening to your radio interview?

3/26/2012 09:15:27 pm

I have a habit of reading posts but not paying attention to the date posted! DOH! no wonder can't find your radio interview!!!!!

Gun safe post link

3/8/2016 10:50:00 pm

I agree with you at this point

Tom

6/12/2012 07:04:09 am

Situation: my son, a strappingly handsome jock type young man that I'm very, very proud of, is getting married. His fiance is Catholic and so are most of her family/friends.

I cannot "femme it up" at all, even for him and he knows it....what do I do?

butchwonders link

6/12/2012 07:15:40 am

This is a hard one, Tom. Would you mind emailing me directly so I can get some more details before giving you any advice? My email address is butchwonders@yahoo.com. Hope to hear from you soon. :)

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