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When Your Ex Wants to be Friends

3/28/2013

25 Comments

 
Hi, dear readers!  I've been MIA for a while--many reasons for that--but I'll be back in the blogging saddle soon.  Meanwhile, I'm thrilled to share this guest post from a writer I hope will become a regular guest blogger.  She's a hot (single!) femme who goes by the pseudonym "Dr. Joyce Sisters" (and she has a PhD in real life, too).  Please show her some love in the comments!  Muchos affection, BW

The Perils of the "Nice Ex"
By Dr. Joyce Sisters

Finding out that my fiancé was having an affair with one of my best friends was my own personal hell. Or so I thought… Until my partner of three and a half years dumped me and I was quickly replaced…  with an ex.  Okay, okay—so she’s not really an “ex.” But we definitely did the mattress dance on more than one occasion.

It doesn’t matter how much relationship experience you have or how many break-ups you’ve been through; they hurt just the same. And on a scale of 1 to 10, that level of hurt is at least a 20. The thing about lesbian break-ups is that our community is small. Inevitably, your ex will be f&*#ing a friend, a former lover, or the ex of a former lover.  This exacerbates the level of hurt to somewhere between 21 and 80, depending on how close you are to your ex’s new paramour.

The other factor to consider when calculating your level of hurt is your ex’s behavior. At first glance, the relationship might appear linear: the more unkind her behavior, the more hurt you’ll feel. But this is not the case. Rather, the relationship looks more like an italicized “J” with more intense pain associated with “nicer” exes.

Inspired by BW’s fancy graph from a few weeks ago, I made the following to demonstrate this statistical relationship:
Picture
Notice that the lowest level of pain you can experience is still quite substantial (20). As we move to the left – representing the predicted pain for less and less nice (or meaner) exes, pain increases. Why? Because we question how this person we loved and cared about could behave in such a cruel manner. In these instances, we grieve less over the person and more over the belief that we are decent judges of character.  We can no longer fool ourselves into thinking that we will be safe from heartache because of our exceptional ability to pick kind and loving girlfriends.

Now, consider the “nice” ex. The nice ex breaks up with you. She might even break up with you, say, the day before the biggest interview of your life or when you are 3000 miles away from family and friends that could offer support (just hypothetically, of course). But she texts your best friend every day to see how you are doing and how the interview went. She’ll tell you that you are the most beautiful, smart, kind woman she’s ever been with. She’ll insist that you’ll be connected forever and occupy a special place in her heart. She’ll want to be “friends.”

You may choose to spend time apart to transition from lovers to friends, but once you’re on speaking terms again, she’ll call or text to engage in friendly gossip about mutual friends. She’ll occasionally call you honey, baby, or sweetheart. She’ll send you a small gift just because she saw it and thought of you. She’ll call you on her way home from work and pull over on the side of the road to talk to you because her new girlfriend (NG) is at her house and she doesn’t want to hurt NG’s or your feelings.

Objectively, this behavior is nice. I mean, my best friend and I do use terms of endearment with one another, send each other gifts, and are careful not to hurt one another’s feelings. But, your ex is not your best friend. This same behavior coming from a recent former lover can lead to excruciating levels of pain. Why? Three reasons. First, it reminds you of what you lost. Second, it denies you the opportunity to make up stories about how awful she is. Third, it keeps you hooked. If you take the bait, you’re only going to feel foolish when she rejects you again.  A “nice” ex can reject you over and over and over with infuriating kindness.

By the way, don’t blame yourself for still having feelings or for wanting (or asking for) her back. And, don’t let your her make you feel crazy (e.g., “What? I’m so surprised! I thought we were just friends! We’ve been over this a hundred times.”) Of course you have feelings for her. She has been sending you mixed messages. You are not crazy. She is crazy if she is genuinely surprised that you still have feelings in light of your recent interactions.

It is natural--though perhaps unhealthy--to want to have her in your life. Also, if she really is nice, she probably has a lot of friends, so not being friends with her may cause you to lose friends. (I know, it’s so unfair.)

My best advice is this. When you’re least emotional, choose a “way” of being around your ex. That is, decide how you want to behave when you are in her presence (e.g., if you run into her and NG at the bar or have a weekly phone call with her). Perhaps you want to be graceful, courageous or classy. Calm, cool, and collected. (I chose “apathetic.”) It doesn’t really matter what you choose, but I recommend picking something that confirms that you will never be with your ex again. In other words, do not chose a way of being because you think it will appeal to her and make her want you back.

Once you have adopted a way of being, act in accordance with that way of being at all times. Inevitably, you won’t want to act gracefully when you run into her at the local co-op. But you are not your feelings. You are a human being with the ability to take actions that are inconsistent with your feelings.

Of course, this requires self-control. Recent research tells us that self-control is like a muscle. We all have it to varying degrees, we have a limited supply, and we can expand our potential to exercise self-control the more we practice. If we exercise it at one point, it is harder in the moments that follow to continue to exercise self-control. During this vulnerable time, limit the number of situations that require extraordinary amounts of self-control; you will need as much of it as possible when interacting with your ex.

Simultaneously, increase the number of situations that require small amounts of self-control. For example, take a short walk even though you want to stay in bed, practice not interrupting, go to McDonald’s but don’t supersize it. This will increase the likelihood that you’ll be able to act in ways that are consistent with the way of being you chose instead of screaming, crying, or spitting in NG’s face.

What else can you do to get over an ex? Readers, have you ever successfully transitioned from lovers to friends? I am especially interested in hearing from those who have been dumped. What did you do to ease the transition? 

25 Comments
Amanda
3/28/2013 03:27:24 am

My ex of 7 years left me for a man. We had been trying to start a family and everything. She got a job and met this guy and 6 months later left me for him. I moved 3 hours away the very next day. This was in October of 2012. She still texts me and calls me saying she misses me and wishes she could see me. Of course I miss her but I would feel like an idiot letting her in my life again. I am in a new relationship now and I have come to the conclusion that everything happened for a reason. I am happier than I have ever been. I almost feel bad for not being friends with my ex since she is being nice all of a sudden, but she did me wrong and I cant forgive her for that.

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Tina Marie
3/28/2013 03:36:43 am

I love this article, I was devistated when I had to share space with people from my old life with her. It is so important for Lesbians to understand why we feel like we have to cut all of our friends off after a break-up. Friends don't understand either, especially the "hetero" types. I was dumped by my very first girl of 7 years, and it was a very hurtful break-up that she planned for months, yes months without telling me. We are aquaintences now, we email, text rarely etc. She has tried to get me to meet up, but my instincts always stop me!!! No, no, no is screaming in my head and my heart is saying "what if." Keeping things at a distance protects me from listening to my "feelings" and seeing her again. I loved her and will always love her and I think I will always be vulnerable to wanting her back as my partner. It will never ever work.. So! that's how I dealt with it. Now, when I break up I break off all contact initially, then I keep them at a polite distance to help keep my perspective and my sanity. Eventually I start to mingle with my old group of friends, but only see the ex in passing keeping it casual and never letting them see how I feel really.

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Sarah
3/28/2013 03:36:55 am

You need to stop using the word 'hurt' so flippantly :)

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Cyndi
3/28/2013 03:40:28 am

We put 3 months inbetween us before talking again. She left me and went back to her then ex. We managed to talk things out like adults, only being together 6 months. Now, after knowing her almost 3 years, shes one of my closest friends. I can tell her anything and not be judged. Although her wife, she recently married her gf, still doesnt like us talking. The wife is nervous that Im after her. Im in a relationship of my own going on a year.

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joanna link
11/9/2014 08:09:48 pm

i have 3 month relationship with her and she broke up with me because i dont treat her right and her ex is still always attaching to her. her feelings return to her ex. first 3 days i was really devastated, shes my first lover. after 3 days i realized i couldnt move on if i keep on missing her so i decided to offer being best friends with her where she gladly accepted. when we hang out she still keeps kissing me but not the way before. i mean our sexual relationship is still high but i want love. i sometimes give messages that i still love her but she never replies but when where together in person, she acts a little like still my girlfriend like attempting to kiss my cheeks and holding my hand. right now im reading if we could totally be friends with our ex but for me its not. i keep thinking our sweet moments and hoping we could still be together again. am i just hurting my self in this process? i really love her and dont want to lose her. :( but as i thought if she will come back officially to her ex, i couldnt handle it.

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Whitney
3/28/2013 03:41:10 am

I've never made the transition from lovers to friends. I feel like I'm one of the few dykes who have no interest in doing so. Maybe it's that most of my past relationships have ended with my ex cheating on me, me considering working through it, and then most of them end up going with the one they cheated with. I end of putting up a boundary (no contact works the best for me to heal) and then when I'm back to healthy again, I figure, what's the point of contacting them now? I've moved around a lot, so that is also a factor. My exes are in 3 different states, so I don't see them around or hear friends talking about when they saw them last. I've been told I'm a bit cold for totally cutting out exes like that, but it works for me.

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Catherine
3/28/2013 07:44:15 am

Same here, Whitney! I feel like--despite never having dated guys--I somehow fail the "lesbian test" by never having remained friends with my exes. But really, no--I'd have had to put in an extra effort to do so, and I couldn't bring myself to do so.

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Dtwo
3/28/2013 11:29:52 am

I have never been able to stay friends with an ex....have tried a few times. But in regards to the cheating, why would I want to be friends with someone who lies to me or that I can't trust. I like to trust my friends.

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Kay
3/29/2013 03:38:47 am

I am in so much agreement with you! I am not friends with any exes. Even my ex that I have known since I was 6! My current g/f of a year and a half is friends with ALL of her exes...to the point of sending them money in jail, hanging with them all the time, etc. They call her everytime they NEED something, otherwise, they want nothing to do with her and she doesn't get why I have a problem with it! Sorry - lesbian community or not - being besties with the ex is NOT normal or healthy!

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T
3/28/2013 04:47:57 am

Thank you for the post. I recently went through a break up and it helps to know that I'm not alone in my feelings of not wanting to be friends.

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Meg
3/28/2013 08:45:21 am

I have contact with some of my exes--importantly so. But I don't think I could say any of us are friends. We are exes. This means that if they really need something, or I really need something, that we can rely on each other. It has always taken a long time of no contact or limited contact. 19 years. 10 years. 18 years. They are still central to my heart, but they are not in my daily life. Extended family. If they call, I will answer. I owe them lots (and the dumping has happened in both directions). I know where I need to keep my boundaries with them. (do not go to visit when we are both single. No. Just don't. Really. Don't. Even if you really, really want to. DO NOT book that plane ticket. No--don't. It ended for good reasons. Don't. oh shit. You didn't do that, did you? Sigh).

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coz link
3/28/2013 12:13:35 pm

I have a great relationship with my ex, we are like family. took me a long time to get over her. I knew that you get chemically attached to the one that does the dumping. I eventually got over it. having a relationship with her was more important to me than getting away from the pain.

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Catmo
3/28/2013 03:49:14 pm

In all honesty when I'm done feeling sorry for myself, all I need to do is remind myself, this person doesn't want to be with me. What's the point of wanting someone who doesn't WANT me? When I think of it this way it puts it into undeniable perspective. Bottom line, where do you go from there? Kinda grosses me out even, thinking about myself all broken hearted, when she could couldn't care less lol. Great post by the way. Thanks

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AJ
3/28/2013 11:18:54 pm

I am going thru a divorce. We got married in the short window we could in California in 2008. This is the downside of gay marriage. Her daughter (my step) still lives here with me. I am being as nice as possible. Step daughter is due to move out of state in June. My divorce will be final in September. I hope to never see these people again after that!!!
I have never been friends with exes.

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Christine Dunn-Cunningham link
3/28/2013 11:52:14 pm

Excellent post on lesbian break ups! I completely agree, being broken up with by a "nice" person is way worse, and couple that with the lesbian habit of trying to remain friends and you get a fire storm of hurt.

Thanks for your post :)

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Kenny
3/29/2013 02:22:22 am

What's almost as bad is you' re the one breaking up due to incompatibility but since you were friends before you were lovers you both want to stay friends then she uses every opportunity to get back at you by sucking you in then spitting you out yet you still miss your friend and keep hoping things will get better but they don't. It's as painful as a run-on sentence.

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Marie
3/29/2013 09:33:37 am

Fuck that. Thats why I prefer bitches to nice people. Wont deal with passive aggressive "nice people". Much rather prefer bitches who tell it like it is. Word to the wise. Those nice people..usually not so nice. Bitches..will tell you like it is. Go for that. Always.

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Jan C. link
3/30/2013 08:57:43 am

Wow. I wish I could claim some of the certainty I'm reading in the comments above... or maybe I'm glad I can't. When my girlfriend and I broke up (my first relationship with a woman that began at age 49), we parted lovingly with my request that there be absolutely NO contact so that I had the time I needed to get over and get beyond. A few weeks before she left I had assured her that I would grieve for a few weeks and get on with my life. I was angry but cooled to the tenderness that had been us before she actually left. She agreed to my request, reluctantly, but wanted me to have what I needed. There were no other people involved (directly) just life circumstances creating enough uncertainty that my girlfriend felt like she had to get some space (1256 miles away). After about 6 weeks, I broke down and emailed, the result of which is the long-distance version of us. Our relationship is unconventional, to say the least, but I wouldn't trade it. Nor will I trade my growing conviction that there is no absolute right or wrong way to do relationships--at least not where there is genuine love and regard for each other.

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kristin wright
3/30/2013 01:24:22 pm

i am friends with a lot of my exes but it all took time and the majority of them I keep at a distance.For some of them it was easy because we were friends at first.but sometimes exes have different motives than just friends. my last two exes the most recent i was with before thought maybe things would be different this time around, but this time around i broke up with her for reasons that she cant fix. i try to stay away from her and only see her once a month maybe which is crazy cause she lives right behind me.I saw her the other day ....this is what the conversation was.... why dont u sleep with me and i laughed..... why is that funny and i laughed.i took a vow of celibacy and quite frankly if i meet someone new i dont feel like sayin oh by the way this is my ex we are friends but ive been sleepin with her since we broke up. not a good conversation piece.celibacy sounds good im way past 40 days and 40 nights lol. now weird but for some reason all my exes like to talk to me and they dont want to talk about normal stuff and quite frankly i dont want to hear about how my ex best friend is gettin on ur nerves.my previous ex wants to be on my facebook friends list....um no.wants to meet up for coffee why. comes into my job hopin to see me. she put me in 25000 dollars debt,cheated on my for a min told me it was all in my head....married my so called friend. well now my ex friend wants to be a boy and she doesnt want to be with a boy. well im sorry im better than second best.deal with ur mess.some exes can be friends and some can not and thats were u have to decide do u let them in or not n if so how far well thats up to u.

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amc
4/28/2013 12:36:40 pm

I was dumped a month and a half ago after an eight month relationship, my first with a woman. She dumped me the day after I got home from the funeral of a close family friend who was hit by a train and died. Yea. We have almost all of the same friends, so navigating the breakup has been difficult. We had no communication for the first month, partly because I needed space and partly because she was traveling outside the country. We've seen each other a few times over the past few weeks, though it's always been as part of a group. We have had no one-on-one conversations and limited electronic communication. It's been difficult for me to accept the fact that I need space and time to recover from the breakup, but I am feeling more comfortable with that reality and am trying to give myself room to recover and move on.

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Laura Glantz
4/30/2013 11:34:38 am

I love your post and the replies!
I fell "in love" with my first GF too soon and after 9 months, in my opinion, she bailed on me, moved away to a new city and new job. Our whole relationship was based on me loving her emotional, physically and wholeheartedly. I took care of her no matter what when she was happy, beautiful, sad, ugly, tired until I was drained so much I let myself be second place. She would usually be really into me then after we would have sex or spend weekends or nights together she would claim some reason to wanna spend time alone. She would always say she didn't want to be in a committed relationship but she sure wanted me to be committed and if she thought I wasn't she would make snide comments. Hell she even had a match.com account looking for men for 3 months out of the 9 we were together...(she doesn't know I knew that oops) She was very hot and very cold. Everytime I would call her out she would claim I wasn't giving her space and she would get upset but when I would take my time, not want sex or need to do my thing then I would get the guilt trips and the "are you mad at me" questions. Basically what she wanted she she made sure she got no matter how tired or emotionally drained I was...and when I wanted her for emotional or physical support I typically got excuses or somehow worked its way back to her getting what she wanted and me still tired and empty. I feel stupid because she kept telling me she would want me, she missed me, ask who would take care of her, text me missing me or missing my massages or our sex then bam after sex she wanted space, or wanted to date others and would say we couldn't sleep together anymore and we just have to be friends. But when I asked her to do neutral friend things most times we didn't or if we did she was aloof during those times. Eventually we would end up in bed again and I would fall in love with promises. When I tried to stop the pain and break up with her because it was killing me, she went into bitch mode and made me feel horrible, saying I wasn't willing to work on being her friend and I lied to her. And then I would defend myself, she would shut down, I would feel like I did something wrong and the cycle started again. Now she is gone and yet I kept getting the I miss you's, I miss your cuddles, even LOVE YOU, and then bam after I bite again...cold shoulder. I am so fucking tired and confused. How can someone be so cruel to tease me over and over knowing I love with all of my heart and yet cut me off, make me feel guilty for "not being friends" and yet have another girl crush going at the same time. I haven't texted or talked to her in 2 days now and it feels good but yet apart of me is still hanging on. Just don't wanna be a doormat anymore to someone who takes my love and my commitment for granted. NO! I don't wanna be friends to someone who's idea of friends is her way no matter what...friends don't treat each other like she has treated me. Thankfully I have a real best friend, she's straight and I am not attracted, who has become my model for how best friends really should be. Now to find a partner like her that would be amazing

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Veronica
5/22/2014 02:34:09 pm

Im the same way. I have never been friends with my ex's. after all they are ex's for a reason. My last relationship was with my best friend. She was always the one to be friends with her ex's. with her it was to the point that she still kept the photos. I guess that changed after we broke up. I was with her for over 3 years she even proposed to me, but then for some reason things changed. She eventually cheated on me with a straight married woman who she is still with. Ill never understand that. She became a home wrecker and destroyed someone else marriage who happened to have young kids. its been about a year now. i haven't had any contact with her since she ended it. its kind of pathetic how i allowed her to break my heart. Its pathetic to say I'm still not over her and i have not moved on. I'm damaged goods.

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e
5/24/2014 06:04:58 am

you should date me..id love you forever..xxx

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Nattalie link
3/9/2015 08:23:35 am

My gf of 7.5 months broke up with me and broke my heart the same day I arrived in the states. I was in an airport terminal trying for 2days to get on a flight when she told me via WhatsApp. It hurt like hell as part of the reason I came was to spend time with her. She had good reasons for breaking things off but it still hurt like hell. We agreed to remain friends (all my four previous lovers became my pals)but decided to take some space. I felt better after a month but after the 2nd month I felt like it just happened! I was hurting even worse than before then she started hanging out &doing tons of activities with this new chick.
They hang out a lot and I couldn't stop stalking her fbk and the girl's IG. Pathetic I know but that's what happens when our hearts get broken. Anyway I couldn't stand seeing her perfect life on fbk and seeing how happy she seem. And she stopped talking to me, when I send messages she responds with short sentences saying she gotta go because of work etc. 3hours later she's still online so I took the hint. She doesn't wanna talk.to me even tho she insists she hasnt forgotten about me and she still feels terrible that she broke things off. The girl she hangs with I'm not sure they're really dating but it sure appears that way! According to IG they've known each other over 3years. I finally 'unfriended' her simply because I couldn't stop checking her profile and it ripped my heart to shreds everytime I see her having fun and living a life I'm no longer a part of.
the hurt I feel is best described as: a wrecking ball sized lump in my chest. Makes me rush to the bathroom only to realize its a false alarm, not being able to eat no matter how hungry I am. Its like the lump in my chest prevents my battered emotions from escaping and prevents food from going down. I get hot, my skin gets flushed and I sweat (in 20° weather)and my heart thumps 10 miles a minute. That's the best way to describe how I feel when I see her at basketball games and other events with that girl.
I know it now appears as if I no longer wish to be friends but I had to cut off contact for my own sanity. I'm moving to her state for school this fall and I wonder if we will ever be friends. I really miss her and I knew she thought I still needed more space as I was still hurting too much. But I couldn't bear not talking to her.....I hope in time I get over her fully. Usually as soon as I'm over an ex I no longer care about being friends. That's when we normally resume contact.
Heartbreak is no joke, for me it was especially terrible because I came here during a bad period in my life. This was my first winter, I'm kinda broke, I had to adjust to life in a new country with no emotional support. I'm staying for 3months with relatives who don't know I'm gay. So I had to suffer in silence. Thank heavens just before I deactivated my OK Cupid account I met a woman who became my friend, we were both going through the same thing and we supported each other. We're not attracted to each other but we are buddies. I know I will be fine in time and even though I plan to send my ex a message in a few months (when I'm 100% over her. My new friend thinks she'll soon be a distant memory but I don't mind being friends with her in future. Hell I want her back, its pathetic but I do. But for now she's gone and I gotta take the space needed to restart my life.

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laura
8/27/2016 08:03:19 am

wow..robinson.buckler@yahoo.com..is the only Man who restore..relationship…He is the best..

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