Where have you been??

8/26/2016

Where did you guys go? Why have you abandoned me??

Oh, wait. That would be me.

Yes, it's been several months since I posted. In that time, I have gotten a new job, moved across the country, and gotten married. I'm still setting up the new homestead, trying to wrestle the mutts into submission (they're used to having space to run around--no more!), and dealing with the irritating minutiae that accompany relocation.

Previously, I lived in a very rural area an hour from multiple big urban centers. Now, I live in a small city and can walk downtown, but am over two hours from a big urban center. So that's a little weird. Also, people tell me it will snow here. I hope they're messing with me.

Anyway, I don't know how regularly I'll be writing this blog, but you guys have totally been on my mind during this big period of transition. I thought I'd list out some of the things I've been thinking about, and perhaps you can comment back with some of the things YOU have been thinking about, and maybe a few more posts will magically arise from the ether.

Here's the butch-relevant list of stuff that's on my mind, some big and some small:

Starting a new job, do I go with the tie or stick with slacks and a shirt? I can't decide, and I like both looks. The unusual thing about where I live now, with regard to the tie decision, is that there are a fairly large number of trans guys here. This is great, but since I identify as female, I don't like being mistaken for a trans man. Speaking of which:
How does masculinity manifest differently in butch women versus trans men? Do the two groups experience masculinity as a different phenomenon? Or is masculinity separate from femaleness and maleness (which is how I usually conceive it)?
How does the attention the trans community is finally starting to get bear on acceptance of the LGBTQ community as a whole?
What are some good LGBTQ books folks are reading? I just finished Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin and The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily Danforth. Both are geared toward YA audiences, but I bet you'd enjoy them, too. They're easy reads, but emotionally complex. Garvin's book is about a genderfluid high schooler named Riley who is struggling to come out while dealing with school bullying and having a famous father. Danforth's encompasses a broader sweep of time and is about a lesbian girl who is dealing with her parents' death, estrangement from her best friend, and figuring out how to cope with her aunt's anti-gay church. She is eventually sent to a camp to "cure" her, where she meets some interesting characters. Totally worth a read.
Is there a big division between younger queers (especially those who grew up with the Internet, and for whom there were always out role models) and older queers? How do those divisions manifest in our community? What do they mean?

Well, friends: I hope you're all doing well, and that you'll take a sec to let me know what's on your mind (and that you haven't forgotten your old pal BW).

8 Comments

Ray

8/26/2016 02:36:06 pm

Congrats on your marriage! And I'm sure you will love snow, it's amazing (coming from a Canadian)

Martha

8/26/2016 03:33:27 pm

Congratulations on your marriage and the new job! Snow really is doable (grew up in Michigan, lived in snowy locales most of my life). If it is snowy enough for you to get "snowed in" you will appreciate being able to walk downtown.
I've moved and started a new job too; and coincidentally, did not get married but am thinking about the difficulties in meeting someone in a new location where everyone I know is associated with my work.
Social justice work has been the focus this summer, between Pulse and Black Lives Matter; trying to find my feet professionally and personally in a new place.
Those both sound like great books-they are on my to-read list now!

Mal

8/26/2016 09:20:08 pm

Congratulations on all the new adventures, and sorry about the snow! I'm from Michigan where we literally get mountains of it. It's is pretty to look at but can be a bummer to drive in.

I don't know any trans men personally so I've never been given the opportunity to really see if their masculinity is perceived or received differently than mine... But now I really wonder if it is? I feel like because they're male and not just presenting more masculine, they may get less wiggle room. Like, people will say things to me like, "oh, come one, you're butch, you can't be afraid of spiders," but it's more or less a joke. But I feel like people would be more likely to critique their "manliness" and point out that they're not being enough of a man in those kinds of circumstances.

Also, have you ever read the Beebo Brinker chronicles? They're a little older, but they are SO good. And also pretty much anything by Gale Wilhelm (she's also a writer of the past). It's not very often that books make me cry but Beebo (specifically Women in the Shadows; the books are like a series... I'm pretty sure there's four) and Wilhelm's novels make me so emotional I'm inconsolable! In both good and sad ways. So good now I think I need to go re read them!

It's so nice to have you back! Congrats again and I wish you and your wife the best of luck and all the happys!

Meredith

8/28/2016 08:04:20 am

In my experience, there is a difference maybe not in how butch and trans guys experience their masculinity, but in how they practice it. Trans guys are masculinity conformists, whereas butches are masculinity nonconformists. Example: Mike and Dianne both go to a fancy event wearing a tuxedo. Mike is a trans man. He should make the effort to dress similarly to all the other men, who have also made an effort to dress similarly. Black on black, traditional, plain, same cut of tux as everyone else is wearing. Dianne is butch woman. She can also wear a tuxedo, but she should make an effort to disrupt the uniform in some way. She should do things like chose a colored shirt, or wear an open collar, chose colorful accessories, or even go so far as to find a non-black tuxedo.

That said, mike and dianne can obviously wear and be whatever they like, but that rule of thumb seems to be the trick to being "seen" as you want to be seen.

Denise link

8/28/2016 08:24:26 am

Congrats on everything new in your life, I know it can be stressful too. You brought some interesting points: The first one about sporting a tie vs. slacks and a shirt at your new job. My first reaction was, wear your tie and then reading about the trans men I totally get why you may hesitate.

After thinking it over though, and putting myself in your wingtips, I would still go for the tie or whatever you feel most at home in, right from the beginning. As people get to know you, they'll figure out the differences, and you'll feel more at home if they know your true style from the get-go.

I also was thinking about your question of masculinity btwn butches and trans men. I have been thinking a lot about masculinity in general these past months.

I can't speak to the trans men piece--I would need to discuss this more with my trans men friends to get their perspective. But I've had past girlfriends who mistake me for wanting to be trans. I love being a woman, and have no desire to change my body, but I am VERY masculine.

I would love to hear the trans man's perspective on this--as I think masculinity and femininity are behavior traits that can be influenced by both "nature and nurture". I feel like I was born with more masculine traits--you can see it in me as early as 5 years old. How I held myself, my appearance, my attitude. I was a baby butch.

Everyone has both masculinity and femininity. I think no matter what your gender is, you have some of both and it's just how much you have of each that determines how you feel. Some of it could be our genes, some of it could be socially constructed. Likely both, I would suspect.

My inclination is that whether you are butch or a trans man, your masculinity just depends on how you feel. I have a friend who is a trans man that shows less masculinity than me. It's just who we are as people. Just my two-cents.

Thanks for the thought-provoking questions. I look forward to any trans men who have thoughts on this as well.

Sasha

4/24/2017 09:20:45 am

"Everyone has both masculinity and femininity. I think no matter what your gender is, you have some of both and it's just how much you have of each that determines how you feel. Some of it could be our genes, some of it could be socially constructed. Likely both, I would suspect. "

Well said - I also ponder masculinity quite often, as I am not a trans man but am not a woman either. My mental map of myself is of a boy, and it is nature and nurture because I have always had a boyish look compared to my sister, but also feel most comfortable socially by presenting myself in ways that are a blend of what people would call stereotypically feminine and masculine.

joe

8/30/2016 03:14:22 pm

Congrats on everything! recently a friend of mine came out as trans (after which a big moment of gender identity questioning followed) and made me think a lot about masculinity and what "makes" someone trans, as in what's the line to be crossed. because a lot of butches do have top surgery/bind so then changing your body or being 100% comfortable in it isn't the line to be crossed, right?

Zander

9/9/2016 09:27:12 am

I think that the internet has wildly changed the world for LGBTQ people, not just young, but older as well. It makes people more aware we exist and are out there, and it also is an amazing tool that people have used to figure out they aren't alone and create amazing validating communities. I know that many people my age used the internet as their first chance to talk to someone like them, but I also think that older people are using the internet to make their stories told so that my generation remembers the struggle of the past. I think the divide comes from younger people not appreciating the culture they are growing up in where it is (in many ways, but not completely) easier to come out and more accepted.

As a trans man, I think that I definitely experience masculinity differently than butch women, something that can be a constant battle for me in the valley. For butch women, there is more discrimination maybe? Especially because people don't understand a woman who fits into a narrow box. I dont know how this affects women who do traditionally male jobs, but don't identify as butch (farmers, firefighters, building maintainers etc). But I think that I am held to a higher standard and expected to act within a very strict boundary as a man, where as butch women are given a little bit more space to be women but also butch.

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