Why Coming Out in 1997 Was Better Than in 2017

A friend wrote a post in response to my post about coming out in 2007 versus 2017, waxing nostalgic about her coming out in the late 1990s.  You may not agree with all--or any--of it, but I hope you'll read it and share your comments, especially if you're a BW reader who came out before 2000. Thank you, anonymous awesome friend for picking up the Butch Wonders slack during a helluva tough work week for yours truly. 

I was struck by the recent post about what it is like to come out as a lesbian in 2007 vs 2017... I realize I’m dating myself, but it made me think back to when I came out (in high school, in 1998).   This was right around when Ellen came out, the same year that Matthew Shepard was murdered, and the year before "Better than Chocolate" came out (if you can believe such a year existed)--way before gay was cool (or even passe, which I think we’re rapidly approaching).  And yet, I still think it was a better year to come out than the two decades afterward, for the following reasons:

• Butch/Femme roles were in full force.  In 1998, the best way to signal that you were gay was through looking butch, and that meant eye candy paradise for a butch-lover like me. And there was just nothing better than the butch head-nod of recognition. Sure, this meant that I sported a mullet for a year out of desperation to “look gay” but it also meant that there was flannel swagger everywhere. 
• Humor was dark.  If you came out in the 90s (or before, I can only imagine) you had to either discover your inner dark comic or risk disappearing down the rabbit hole of being constantly offended. Case in point? Hothead Paisan: Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist, a comic series that had its fun by parodying-not-parodying angry man-hating lesbians (while simultaneously being totally accurate). In the 90s, you made fun of yourself before someone else could. Now? You can’t even joke about pronouns without having the Gender Police slamming you up against a wall. They won’t even make any sexual innuendo while they do it, either. Alas.

• Gay rights didn’t seem inevitable or in jeopardy, they seemed like something we all knew would never happen. Marriage was a pipe dream. So, we joined forces and created our own damn culture. That felt sad if you thought too hard about it, but ultimately you felt like a badass who, along with your friends and fellow gays, could create your own underground utopia, and there was a beauty to that.

• Dating in 1998 meant AOL Chatrooms and PlanetOut.  During the glory days of the internet, before we were all worried about being murdered on a blind date. It was a magical space.  For the first time, you could find other gay people near you! I miss the novelty of that feeling. Now everyone’s just bisexual and nothing’s special.
• You got to enjoy women’s spaces wholeheartedly. Say what you will about the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival and women’s colleges and making abstract art with your menstrual blood, but for me, that shit was awesome and formative. By 2007 and certainly today, women’s spaces have moved into a taboo zone, which ends up meaning that we have fewer and fewer places to experience what it’s like to exist in a space without men. (Hint: wonderful)
• Lesbian movies were so bad, yet so good.  The best part of coming out in 1998? The truly terrible lesbian movies that you were lucky to find wedged next to the “documentary” section at Blockbuster. Despite these being atrocities of filmmaking, we watched them over and over again, memorizing the lines, because it was the first time we saw ourselves on the big screen. I have a hate-love-mostly hate relationship with "Go Fish" that I don’t see any parallel to in today’s gay culture. It was so much worse-better-worse than the L-Word.
• Other gay people = instant friends. You were just so grateful to find each other.