Why Valentine's Day Makes Me Feel Like a Bad Person

I am sort of a V-Day grinch.  No matter what people say about Valentine's Day, I think it is silly and misguided and I have a judgmental retort. 

For example, if someone says:
OMG I loooove Valentine's Day!  We're going to roast coconuts on the beach, then my sweetie is taking me to my favorite restaurant and then we're going to go home and do chocolate liqueur shots off of each other's foreheads while reading love poems and releasing doves into the night...

...Then I think:
That is patently ridiculous.  You're kowtowing to Hallmark's idea of when to express love and celebrate your relationship.  Why do you insist on fueling the capitalist machine with this kind of tomfoolery?  Plus, eew.  TMI.  Grrr.

On the other hand, if someone says:
We don't celebrate Valentine's Day because it's just giving in to capitalist exploitive yadayadayada patriarchial yadayada money machine yada Occupy Occupy YADA.

...Then I think:
For God's sake, why do you have to take this so seriously?  It's just a fun, harmless holiday to celebrate romantic love.  Would it kill you to fingerpaint a heart onto a piece of looseleaf and call it a day?  Jeez.  Grrr.

Or if someone tells me:
We don't celebrate Valentine's Day because EVERY day is Valentine's Day for us!  Wheeeeee!

...I think:
I highly doubt that if you have been in this relationship for more than five weeks, "every day" is Valentine's Day for you.  I don't buy it.  Are you saying that the V-Day devotees have shallow relationships?  Because that's mean.  And judgmental.  And I am judging you for your judgmental ways.  Grrr.

As you can see, my internal responses to common positions on Valentine's Day tend to end with "grrr."  I have no idea why this is.  I've never been especially disappointed on V-Day.  I have no bones to pick with it.  Sure, I think the amount of conspicuous consumption, shiny bows, and substandard milk chocolate that it tends to produce is irritating and wasteful, but that's an aspect of virtually every holiday, and I don't dislike all holidays.

I just have a quiet little wish for V-Day not to exist, because then people wouldn't say things like those above in a manner that I arrogantly (and probably incorrectly) interpret as self-righteous.  And then I would be less likely to judge them.  And then I would subsequently be less likely to feel shitty about myself for being so judgmental, bursting balloons, raining on parades, etc. 

Even my V-Day grinchiness is rooted, ironically, in self-absorption.  Grrr.

Anyway, uh, happy pre-Valentine's Day.  I'm going to try really hard to have a cheerier post tomorrow.  But I need your help.  Please send me (butchwonders [at] yahoo [dot] com) one or more of the following things by tomorrow afternoon:

1. A picture of the gaudiest, most over-the-top Valentine's Day display in your local store or market.
2. A word or saying you would love to see on a conversation heart.
3. The queerest, gayest, or most lesbian way to spend Valentine's Day
   

Email these things to me and you can "B mine 4-ev-R" or whatever the f*k.