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How Do You Know If You're Female or Male?

4/19/2012

14 Comments

 
Here's a tough question I got from a reader the other day.  I'll do my best to answer it, but I bet it'd be even more useful if others weighed in, too.

Dear BW,

Can you do a post about how you know you're female even if you're gender non-conforming at some point in the future? I feel like an alien in a Halloween costume when wearing women's clothes, even if they're not overly feminine. I don't feel like a dude, but I don't feel like a woman either, as far as I can tell, but if you aren't into being girly, how do you know if you're a woman? My best friends are straight and I don't know how to talk to them about how they know they're women. I wear all men's clothes, and I really like getting called sir, but I think that's only because I get called miss maybe 70% of the time, and sir 30% of the time, and I like knowing I'm ambiguous.

Thanks!
C


Dear C,

First: good for you to have the courage to ask these kinds of hard questions about yourself!  That's awesome.  Second: I'll give you the best answer I can, but I can only speak from my own experience; you should definitely talk to as many people as you can.

I had a conversation with my buddy C about something similar yesterday.  We were talking about gendered pronouns (we both use female pronouns, but are often called "sir" and don't mind it), and I mentioned that if I was a kid today (I'm in my 30s), growing up in a progressive area of the country (which I didn't), I wondered if I'd have identified as trans.  Why?  Because I totally didn't fit in with the other girls.  I didn't outgrow the "tomboy" thing--in fact, it became more pronounced as I got older.  I wished desperately that I could wear a tux to prom instead of a dress (ugh).  I can remember once in third grade, actually praying that God would come and turn me into a boy.  I felt much more at home with boys than girls.  Girls seemed foreign and hard to understand.  Boys made sense, and played cool sports.  (Mind you, I didn't feel like I was a boy, which many trans men report having felt.)

For me, identifying a boy would have solved this particular conflict.  But at the same time, I didn't feel uncomfortable in my own body (unless it was wearing women's clothes!  I was like you, in that I preferred men's clothes even to non-girly women's clothes).  It wasn't my body that was the problem--it was the culture around me (and the gender-based expectations and assumptions that culture contained) that were the problem.  I thought my breasts were kind of inconvenient, but I never felt like they weren't "mine."  As far as I can tell, this is a big difference between butches and trans men.  (You might be interested in this post about why female-identified butches are different from trans men.)  It wasn't until I started to meet butches and masculine women that I realized, "Oh!  That's what I am!" 

Some days it would be nice not to get stared at in public, which I wouldn't if I was a man in the same haircut and clothing.  But I don't feel like I "am" a man.  I don't want to use the guys' bathroom.  I like getting called "sir," as long as it doesn't happen all the time.  It reminds me I'm different.  Being a masculine woman just feels right to me.  I don't feel alienated from my lady bits--especially not when they're under a shirt and tie.  But put women's clothes on me and I'm suddenly an alien in my body.  This tells me that it's clothes and culture that are the problem, not my gender identity.  For my trans male friends, they didn't feel comfortable in their bodies no matter who they were with or what they were wearing.  Even if they were alone in the shower, they felt as if they were in the wrong body.  They hated being called "she" or ma'am.  (I'm not saying this is the experience of all trans men, just of the ones with whom I've talked about this.)

Until I was in my late 20s, all my best female friends were straight, and often fairly girly.  Even when I was married to a man (that's a whole other story--here's a link to part 1 of that five-part story if you feel like reading it), I didn't feel like I fit in with the straight women.  Now that I'm an out, proud, lesbian masculine butch woman, I feel like my straight female friends know I'm different from them, and respect it.  I don't think they see me as less of a woman, just as a totally different kind of woman.  And they often treat me more like a gay male buddy than like "one of the gals."  This took some getting used to, but I actually like it now.  The key point?  Just because you don't conform to society's ideas (or straight people's ideas) of what "being a woman" means, doesn't mean you aren't a woman! 

I should also point out that a lot of people don't identify as male or female.  Some identify as neither.  Others identify as both.  Some women get top surgery, because although they identify as women, they don't like having breasts.  Some trans men keep their breasts, because they like them or their partner likes them or they can't afford surgery.  There are all kinds of possible gender identifications and expressions.  Although boxes like "male," "female," "butch," "trans man," "genderqueer," and so on work for lots of people, that doesn't mean they have to work for you.  You can also pick more than one.  You can also change whenever you want.  There are no rules about gender, only patterns.  You don't have to follow one that's already been laid out.

I'm glad God didn't answer my third-grade prayer to be transformed into a boy.  I love being a butch woman.  There are hard things about it, yes, but overall, it just works for me.  Keep questioning, experimenting, and looking for answers about your own identity, and I bet it'll become clear what works for you, too.

Best,
BW

14 Comments
maddox link
4/19/2012 04:18:14 am

I am glad you touched upon what seems to me the most important point: <blockquote>I should also point out that a lot of people don't identify as male or female.</blockquote>

For a long time I felt like I was not allowed to be "transgender" and all that comes with it, because I just had no idea you could be not-a-woman, not-a-man. Gender is a multi-faceted multi-dimension space, encompassing aspects of yourself and society, such as body, relationships, pronouns, bathrooms, names, even clothes and hair, and you can combine it any way YOU want to to be yourself.

I would recommend that the reader looks for resources not just about butches, but also about genderqueer, genderfluid, or non-binary genders - maybe they will find themselves in one of these.

Reply
Alex
4/19/2012 04:27:20 am

Thank-you!!!!

Reply
anon
4/19/2012 04:41:30 am

Just remember that sometimes you get stared at because butch women are hot! :-)

Thanks for all the other info--very informative and interesting!

Reply
kerry
4/19/2012 06:23:11 am

how does anyone know their gender..look down.

Reply
CXW
4/19/2012 09:43:02 am

So... DMs or boots = ? High heels = ? Sneakers = ?

Sorry to be flippant, but gender and the configuration of one's body are separate things.

Reply
kerry
6/29/2012 11:00:29 pm

In response to my own comment I posted here..I have learned gender isn't always associated with body parts..it's who and what a person is in mind and thinking and emotion..to me.

Reply
mx. punk link
4/19/2012 07:19:48 am

"You can also pick more than one. You can also change whenever you want. There are no rules about gender, only patterns. You don't have to follow one that's already been laid out." this is wonderful! i think this is a pretty valuable piece of advice; i wish someone had told me that when i was a kid!

i'm a non-binary trans* person and i'm reasonably comfortable in my own body. i experience a lot of social dysphoria, though, so i might end up getting top surgery one day. i know i'm neither male nor female because, well, i just don't feel male or female. i get upset when people misgender me-- it makes me cringe and feel like a liar. i don't feel like i can form honest connections with other people if they think i'm male or female.

do some reading, be kind to yourself, and don't be afraid to own to your gender. whatever your gender is, you can't "do it wrong".

Reply
Sasha
7/29/2013 08:32:50 am

I enjoyed this post too - the question is something I have thought myself.

I have some dysphoria, so I know I'm non-binary, but it wasn't 100% easy to come to that realisation in a binary world where other people's expectations are strong.

"don't be afraid to own to your gender. whatever your gender is, you can't "do it wrong"."

Well said :-)

Reply
Rae
4/19/2012 07:34:08 am

I have NEVER heard someone actually talk about this BUT this is exactly how I have felt pretty much my entire life (even before coming out and when I was married). I often get called sir until they take a closer look and it doesn't bother me never has. I don't correct them especially if they are young children. In fact I was waiting to be called in for an appointment that I had yesterday and in the waiting room there were 4 people. A Mother and her 3-4 yr old daughter, a guy and me. The little girl said "mommy theres 2 mans" and she looked at me and the guy sitting there.

I like being called sir but like you mention am completely comfortable with my lady bits and like them the way they are. Being in that gray area I guess.

The only time it has ever bothered me is entering a public bathroom. I have scared numerous elderly women and have been chased down as I was entering a women's bathroom at a club once because I was in all men's clothing. slacks, best dress shirt, shined shoes and my best fedora so I couldn't be upset with the man trying to stop me from going in. I just feel bad sometimes for all of the women I confuse LOL

Thank you for posing this question!

Reply
jackie
4/19/2012 08:06:35 am

I really think what they're looking for is the word genderqueer which is simply defined as separate from the gender binary system, you don't feel like a man or a woman, its a lot more flexible compared to other labels

Reply
PJ
4/19/2012 10:53:56 am

First off- two bravos here. One to the reader who bravely admitted what many of us have a hard time even accepting within ourselves. You are already at least three steps ahead of where a lot of people are. The second to Butch Wonders for diving into your own feelings and experiences so honestly. This is a struggle that is not isolated, you are not alone, even when it feels like there is nothing that can quell that feeling.

Its that feeling of neither that made me start trying to reach out and figure out what I am feeling. I have realized that I can identify as butch, genderqueer and (mostly) female without compromising or contradicting myself. I can enjoy being called "sir" or "young man" in public and still feel sadness from the reactions in women's restrooms. I can bind my chest and pack every day and come home and want to be cuddled and kissed and held by my partner (who, by the way, is not butch). I don't have to fit in the boxes that make society comfortable. That's part of the glory of being human. I decide what's right, and I think I have.

Reply
Ruminations
4/20/2012 01:24:49 pm

I am a Butch woman. And I love myself a nice fem. Ooh la la.

Reply
angelika
7/24/2013 09:46:33 pm

I think I am transgender but I also a lesbian who is in a committed relationship. my partner is totally awesome and understanding. i hate my body! i want to have my breats remove and all I need are my nipples. i am planning on some easy weight lifting. all my life ai enveyed men and boys who could undo their shirts take them off and see their masculinty! i wear a packer and occassionally when it is safe I dress up male. I am presently in therapy. i m having difficulties not with my sexuality but the wish to be more masculine. i will really have to work up my courage next week to talk to my counselor! she is great and I have talked about this before to her. but today in the movies Red 2, here again a overwhelmingly sad ess over came me. the wish to appear more masculine on my upper body. i do wear a packer. when my partner and I make love I actually put my male underwear on and My packer in it. We ly back to back and I gently and rhytmically push my body against her ass. she actually in the same token moves with me in the same rthymn . it feels totally awesome and I am at piece! help what can I do to be sure about it and what should my next step be? i do not want gender reassigbment surgery! hanks for your time to answer me!

Reply
Rugger
9/12/2014 07:11:06 am

This is awesome

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