Here's a tough question I got from a reader the other day. I'll do my best to answer it, but I bet it'd be even more useful if others weighed in, too.
Can you do a post about how you know you're female even if you're gender non-conforming at some point in the future? I feel like an alien in a Halloween costume when wearing women's clothes, even if they're not overly feminine. I don't feel like a dude, but I don't feel like a woman either, as far as I can tell, but if you aren't into being girly, how do you know if you're a woman? My best friends are straight and I don't know how to talk to them about how they know they're women. I wear all men's clothes, and I really like getting called sir, but I think that's only because I get called miss maybe 70% of the time, and sir 30% of the time, and I like knowing I'm ambiguous.
First: good for you to have the courage to ask these kinds of hard questions about yourself! That's awesome. Second: I'll give you the best answer I can, but I can only speak from my own experience; you should definitely talk to as many people as you can.
I had a conversation with my buddy C about something similar yesterday. We were talking about gendered pronouns (we both use female pronouns, but are often called "sir" and don't mind it), and I mentioned that if I was a kid today (I'm in my 30s), growing up in a progressive area of the country (which I didn't), I wondered if I'd have identified as trans. Why? Because I totally didn't fit in with the other girls. I didn't outgrow the "tomboy" thing--in fact, it became more pronounced as I got older. I wished desperately that I could wear a tux to prom instead of a dress (ugh). I can remember once in third grade, actually praying that God would come and turn me into a boy. I felt much more at home with boys than girls. Girls seemed foreign and hard to understand. Boys made sense, and played cool sports. (Mind you, I didn't feel like I was a boy, which many trans men report having felt.)
For me, identifying a boy would have solved this particular conflict. But at the same time, I didn't feel uncomfortable in my own body (unless it was wearing women's clothes! I was like you, in that I preferred men's clothes even to non-girly women's clothes). It wasn't my body that was the problem--it was the culture around me (and the gender-based expectations and assumptions that culture contained) that were the problem. I thought my breasts were kind of inconvenient, but I never felt like they weren't "mine." As far as I can tell, this is a big difference between butches and trans men. (You might be interested in this post about why female-identified butches are different from trans men.) It wasn't until I started to meet butches and masculine women that I realized, "Oh! That's what I am!"
Some days it would be nice not to get stared at in public, which I wouldn't if I was a man in the same haircut and clothing. But I don't feel like I "am" a man. I don't want to use the guys' bathroom. I like getting called "sir," as long as it doesn't happen all the time. It reminds me I'm different. Being a masculine woman just feels right to me. I don't feel alienated from my lady bits--especially not when they're under a shirt and tie. But put women's clothes on me and I'm suddenly an alien in my body. This tells me that it's clothes and culture that are the problem, not my gender identity. For my trans male friends, they didn't feel comfortable in their bodies no matter who they were with or what they were wearing. Even if they were alone in the shower, they felt as if they were in the wrong body. They hated being called "she" or ma'am. (I'm not saying this is the experience of all trans men, just of the ones with whom I've talked about this.)
Until I was in my late 20s, all my best female friends were straight, and often fairly girly. Even when I was married to a man (that's a whole other story--here's a link to part 1 of that five-part story if you feel like reading it), I didn't feel like I fit in with the straight women. Now that I'm an out, proud, lesbian masculine butch woman, I feel like my straight female friends know I'm different from them, and respect it. I don't think they see me as less of a woman, just as a totally different kind of woman. And they often treat me more like a gay male buddy than like "one of the gals." This took some getting used to, but I actually like it now. The key point? Just because you don't conform to society's ideas (or straight people's ideas) of what "being a woman" means, doesn't mean you aren't a woman!
I should also point out that a lot of people don't identify as male or female. Some identify as neither. Others identify as both. Some women get top surgery, because although they identify as women, they don't like having breasts. Some trans men keep their breasts, because they like them or their partner likes them or they can't afford surgery. There are all kinds of possible gender identifications and expressions. Although boxes like "male," "female," "butch," "trans man," "genderqueer," and so on work for lots of people, that doesn't mean they have to work for you. You can also pick more than one. You can also change whenever you want. There are no rules about gender, only patterns. You don't have to follow one that's already been laid out.
I'm glad God didn't answer my third-grade prayer to be transformed into a boy. I love being a butch woman. There are hard things about it, yes, but overall, it just works for me. Keep questioning, experimenting, and looking for answers about your own identity, and I bet it'll become clear what works for you, too.
I am glad you touched upon what seems to me the most important point: <blockquote>I should also point out that a lot of people don't identify as male or female.</blockquote>
4/19/2012 04:27:20 am
4/19/2012 04:41:30 am
Just remember that sometimes you get stared at because butch women are hot! :-)
4/19/2012 06:23:11 am
how does anyone know their gender..look down.
4/19/2012 09:43:02 am
So... DMs or boots = ? High heels = ? Sneakers = ?
6/29/2012 11:00:29 pm
In response to my own comment I posted here..I have learned gender isn't always associated with body parts..it's who and what a person is in mind and thinking and emotion..to me.
"You can also pick more than one. You can also change whenever you want. There are no rules about gender, only patterns. You don't have to follow one that's already been laid out." this is wonderful! i think this is a pretty valuable piece of advice; i wish someone had told me that when i was a kid!
7/29/2013 08:32:50 am
I enjoyed this post too - the question is something I have thought myself.
4/19/2012 07:34:08 am
I have NEVER heard someone actually talk about this BUT this is exactly how I have felt pretty much my entire life (even before coming out and when I was married). I often get called sir until they take a closer look and it doesn't bother me never has. I don't correct them especially if they are young children. In fact I was waiting to be called in for an appointment that I had yesterday and in the waiting room there were 4 people. A Mother and her 3-4 yr old daughter, a guy and me. The little girl said "mommy theres 2 mans" and she looked at me and the guy sitting there.
4/19/2012 08:06:35 am
I really think what they're looking for is the word genderqueer which is simply defined as separate from the gender binary system, you don't feel like a man or a woman, its a lot more flexible compared to other labels
4/19/2012 10:53:56 am
First off- two bravos here. One to the reader who bravely admitted what many of us have a hard time even accepting within ourselves. You are already at least three steps ahead of where a lot of people are. The second to Butch Wonders for diving into your own feelings and experiences so honestly. This is a struggle that is not isolated, you are not alone, even when it feels like there is nothing that can quell that feeling.
4/20/2012 01:24:49 pm
I am a Butch woman. And I love myself a nice fem. Ooh la la.
7/24/2013 09:46:33 pm
I think I am transgender but I also a lesbian who is in a committed relationship. my partner is totally awesome and understanding. i hate my body! i want to have my breats remove and all I need are my nipples. i am planning on some easy weight lifting. all my life ai enveyed men and boys who could undo their shirts take them off and see their masculinty! i wear a packer and occassionally when it is safe I dress up male. I am presently in therapy. i m having difficulties not with my sexuality but the wish to be more masculine. i will really have to work up my courage next week to talk to my counselor! she is great and I have talked about this before to her. but today in the movies Red 2, here again a overwhelmingly sad ess over came me. the wish to appear more masculine on my upper body. i do wear a packer. when my partner and I make love I actually put my male underwear on and My packer in it. We ly back to back and I gently and rhytmically push my body against her ass. she actually in the same token moves with me in the same rthymn . it feels totally awesome and I am at piece! help what can I do to be sure about it and what should my next step be? i do not want gender reassigbment surgery! hanks for your time to answer me!
9/12/2014 07:11:06 am
This is awesome
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