As promised, here's the second half of my butch holiday gift guide! 11. Smartwool Socks. A well-dressed butch needs more sock choices than black and white. Smartwools are my (and my DGF's) personal favorite, because they're warm and versatile without being too thick or bulky. Check out Sierra Trading Post and REI for some good discounts, but be ready to pay $10-$15/pair. The PhD series are always winners, and a men's size medium seems to fit most women's feet. 12. Belt Buckle. Whether you're a butch's best bud, cousin, or acquaintance, an interesting belt buckle makes a terrific gift. Here's one from Retimade ($95), the company that makes the necklace I featured in the last post. (I promise they're not paying me... Alas, no one is!) 13. Audible.com Subscription. I like Audible so much that every year on my birthday, I renew my subscription as a present to myself. If the word "audiobooks" makes you think of blue-haired eightysomethings checking out cassette tapes from the local library, think again. Audiobooks have come a long way. With a free mobile app, Audible makes it a cinch to download great literature, philosophy, humor, mysteries, even lesbian erotica. I listen to audiobooks every day on my commute (currently making my way through David Foster Wallace's unfinished last novel, The Pale King), as well as when I go running, walk the dog, or clean the kitchen. Great for multitasking, book-loving butches. 14. A Book or Three. Speaking of books, I can't resist plugging some favorites from 2011: - 1Q84: Haruki Murakami's excellent new tome. Fans of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle will love it. Magical realism, two compelling characters, and tiny people who spin cocoons out of air. A great, long (>900 pages!) read. - Bossypants: Raise your hand if you wish Tina Fey played for our team! Yeah, me too. Her memoir is a fun, gay-friendly romp through the world of college, improv, SNL, mommyhood, and more. A little cheesy, but very fun. - The Marriage Plot: It's no Middlesex, but then, what is? Jeffrey Eugenides depicts three college friends in the 1980s whose lives intersect in interesting ways. Themes include religion, young love, and bipolar disorder. - Blue Nights: Admittedly, I'm not finished with this one yet, but how can you go wrong with Joan Didion? This is a memoir about her daughter, and reads like a series of short essays. As beautifully written as it is sad. - 5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth (And Other Useful Guides): at last, the hilarious Matthew Inman, author of the popular humor blog The Oatmeal, has released his first book. Laugh-out-loud funny. 15. Cufflinks. I can't think of a better reason to wear French cuffs than showing off a sweet pair of cufflinks. I am quite partial to the currently-popular typewriter key trend, including the ones pictured left from Uncommon Goods. Whether you get their initials, a pair of shift keys, or "BW" for "Butch Wonders," these make a great gift. 16. A Night or Two at a B&B. Who says butches don't like to be pampered? Take the reins, make a reservation somewhere Yelp-approved, and give her a couple nights she won't forget! 17. Heifer International. I got grief for the "found object" idea in my last post, so I'm sure some folks aren't going to be crazy about this idea, either. But Heifer International is a non-profit organization with a great mission: they give animals to families in need so that these families can lift themselves out of poverty. For example, $20 will buy a flock of chicks. Not only will the eggs feed the family, but extra eggs can be sold for profit. Cool idea, no? Plus, you can give your butch a card that says thinks like, "I bought you a new cock. But I gave it to someone in need." 18. A Gift Certificate for a New Experience. Has your butch ever mentioned that rock climbing looks cool? Or that she's always wanted to snowboard? An introductory lesson or two for a new activity might stir up a new passion. Other ideas include: windsurfing; skydiving; karate; shooting; defensive driving; sushi cooking; improv comedy. 19. A New Tie. Dapper gentlebois never have enough ties, and it's hard to go wrong in adding to their collections. Wool ties are nice for winter and currently in style. Check out the Tie Bar for great patterns (one is pictured here, on the right, $15), and see my post about tie selection for guidelines. I also like the Tie Bar's double-sided pocket squares (one is pictured here, on the left, $8). 20. A Personal Shopping Day. Make a day date with your butch buddy, lover, or relative and take her out for a day of shopping! Trust me: it's refreshing to shop with someone who wants to focus on US all day, and doesn't make us try on anything in the ladies' department. Be sure to build in at least one 30-minute break for every two hours of shopping. And either read up on men's clothing in advance or take along a buddy who knows something about it. (And yes, I rent out as a personal shopper/wardrobe consultant for butches and straight men!) I hope these posts have given you some great ideas for the butch in your life! Butches, what's the coolest butchy-type gift you've ever gotten?
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Ah, holidays. Whether for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Boxing Day, chances are, you're on the lookout for gifts for the butch in your life. Since many of us don't like conventional girly stuff, we can seem tough to shop for at first. But don't despair! Here are 10 great gift ideas. 1. Cool bracelet or necklace. Some butches don't like jewelry, but many of us do, especially if it's androgynous and versatile. Personally, I'm coveting this Rothko-inspired one by Retimade (pictured), which would look awesome with a button-up shirt and fresh haircut. I'm also partial to Audiyo's bracelets (made from recycled guitar parts). 2. Headlamp. Whether we're fixing the car, or just trying to find the cat in the backyard at night, headlamps are a delightfully dorky, hands-free flashlight. Totally functional. 3. High-quality shirt. You need to know her measurements first, but once you do, why not treat your butch to a really awesome shirt from somewhere like Brooks Brothers? Or even better, take her to a shop where she can get measured and pick out the fabric for a custom-made shirt! I've personally never had one of these pricey (~$200) numbers, but supposedly the fit is terrific, and especially great for women who usually have difficulty fitting men's shirts to their body. 4. Massage. Top or bottom tendencies aside, many butches appreciate a good rub-down. Choose a not-too-girly spa with tons of privacy, and buy your butch a gift certificate there. (Note: if you're not the butch's lover or a really close friend, choose something else or you'll look creepy!) 5. Something From Lucky Dog Leather. Virtually everything these guys make is super cool, and they have some great designs that are stylish without being showy and come in enough sizes to accommodate any butch, no matter how big-boned or tiny-wristed. One of my personal favorites is their ring belt ($82) in brown and antique brass. I'm really into some of their cuffs, too. 6. Tickets. These can be tickets to a concert, a play, a sporting event, a reading, a circus--anything your butch loves. It doesn't even have to be something the two of you would both enjoy. If you hate football or ballet or whatever she's into, give her two tickets and send her off with a buddy. We won't think you're trying to get us out of the house; we'll think you're observant and thoughtful. And trust us, we'll have more fun if we're with someone who also enjoys the event. 7. Music. And speaking of good music, audiophile butches who don't already own them might enjoy some of 2011's excellent offerings, which include Fleet Foxes' Helplessness Blues and Bon Iver's Bon Iver. 8. An Interesting Found Object. Since this isn't exactly a period of worldwide financial bliss, many of us are looking for ways to cut costs. And gift-giving can add up fast. Why not make a pact with your sweetie to give each other something cool that you found in the natural world? An abandoned bird's nest or unusual rock can make a memorable gift. 9. Glasses. After Bee Listy's excellent post on the matter, I've had Warby Parker on the brain. This socially responsible company donates a pair of glasses for every pair sold, and they even have a free home try-on program so that you can try out up to five different frames at a time. Their glasses are $95/pair, lenses included. As me and my bespectacled butch buddies know, this is a heck of a deal. Give a gift certificate and let her pick! 10. Pocket Knife. Admittedly, the toughest thing it's ever had to saw through is heavy-duty packing tape, but I nonetheless love my Gerber Paraframe Pocket Knife, which can be had for around $20-$25. It's lightweight, has a partly-serrated blade, and isn't so large that it feels unwieldy in my hand. I'm guessing it would be a great fit for many a butch. The one pictured here is a 3.5-in. blade like mine, but there's also a mini version--and I'm guessing, a larger one as well. There you have it, folks--10 gift ideas for the butch in your life. Stay tuned for my next post, in which I'll suggest at least 10 more! What are YOU planning to buy for the butches in your life? And butches, what are you hoping to find under the tree? Ah, gay men. Often we think of them as having a lot more money, much better porn, and nicer abs than we lesbians do. But how else do we think of them? As our buddies? Our rivals? Our best bet for a Christmas dinner date to Grandma's house? In this post, I introduce something I've been thinking about for a while: the relationship between lesbians and gay men. And I intersperse a couple of polls throughout the article to get your take on the boys. To start with: Many lesbians and gay men dated each other in high school, but too often we grow apart later in life. I've heard gay men say mean things about lesbians' supposed frumpiness, grumpiness, and penchant for plaids, and I've heard lesbians say mean things about gay men's supposed bitchiness and promiscuity. (For the record, I am against neither plaids nor [consensual] promiscuity, though frumpiness and bitchiness are both no-nos in my book.) There's something about the gay male ethos that's very appealing to many dykes. Just as some lesbians exude masculine energy from a female body, some gay men exude feminine energy from a male body. Maybe the mix of masculine and feminine energy is one of the reasons that gay men and lesbians sometimes develop crush out on each other. (They can be as mad about Maddow as we are, and goodness knows we were stoked to learn that Quinto's a queer.) I was reminded of my fondness for gay men after spending much of Thanksgiving chatting with my wonderful gay cuz, R., who is a photographer and a total cutie (and he's single, boys, so get in line!), and the evening before Thanksgiving with some great friends (including K&M, one of my all-time favorite gay couples). Maybe some of my affinity for certain gay men comes from their reputation (deserved or not) as tidy, dapper, and bookish. There's something about the "dandy" aesthetic that many butches embrace. In defining ourselves and our style, there's often a shortage of female icons to draw on. The gay male aesthetic offers an image of masculinity that doesn't draw on heterosexual machismo as much as many straight male icons do. And for those who see ourselves as oppositional (in one way or another) to heterosexual masculinity, gay male masculinity provides an interesting reference point. What stereotypes do you hold about gay men? What stereotypes do you think they hold about lesbians? What could a gay man and a lesbian learn from one another?
I realized I don't know how to write this last part of my coming-out-married saga, because in some ways, I'm still going through it. Not that I'm struggling with my sexual identity, or that I wish I still lived with my DXH, or anything like that. But in a way, I think all of us who come out later in life feel as if we've lived a split existence, and I'm not sure this ever disappears completely.
I moved in with the DGF a couple of days ago, and the act of relocating spurred some tough memories for me. There is something about combining households, about figuring out whose toaster to use or whether to mix our books or where to put the spoons, that makes me think of all the moves I've made before, and all the moves I might make in the future. My DXH and I have a good relationship. We are great friends, we trust one another deeply, and I am certain that we will always be important people in each others' lives. Part of this is because he is generous and forgiving. Part of this is because of our honest communication during my coming out process. And part of this is because we both understand sexual orientation and sexual attraction as things beyond our own willful control. Even though we are good friends, we spend less time together than I would prefer, and sometimes I still miss him. How can I not? We spent ten years together--the vast majority of our adult lives. We helped shape each other into the people we are now. We learned together, made mistakes together. We navigated car purchases and family holidays. We fought, made up, lived in four different places, adopted a dog. I am thankful that I got to spend the years I did with him, and I am also thankful that I had the courage to be true to myself and come out as a lesbian and live on my own. To people who meet me now, I'm an out-and-proud butch lesbian with a secure identity and a great DGF whom I love dearly. This is all accurate. But even though no one can see them, the remnants of that other life are still inside me. I still think about them, and they still affect who I am. I don't think this is a bad thing at all. Since coming out, I've met dozens of other gay people, men and women both, who used to be in heterosexual marriages. Sometimes they treat their prior life as a shameful secret, and this seems to be particularly true of butch women. I don't know why this is. Maybe we're ashamed not to have known something so fundamental about ourselves. Maybe we'd like people to think we've always been as comfortable in our own skin as we are now. I can understand this impulse, but I think it's important that we tell our stories--whatever odd, convoluted tales they may be--so that other people can see them and know that they are not alone. I'll conclude my own little coming out saga with a message to any lesbian or questioning women currently married to a man: If you are true to who you are, things will get better than they are right now. Not in some cheesy, perfect, your-life-will-suddenly-be-awesome way. But in a quieter, more gradual, process of self-definition. It might be a hard road (and I'll offer more advice for navigating that road in a future post). But just because you didn't get it right the first time doesn't mean you don't get another chance to be happy. Note: This is the fourth installment in my coming out story. If you haven't checked out parts I, II, and III yet, you should read 'em below so that this makes more sense.
In the two months after I got back, my DXH and I talked ceaselessly about our relationship. We wanted to stay together, but we wanted to be honest with ourselves. We mulled over "mixed-orientation" marriages. We pondered polyamory. We read message boards about couples who had gone through this. Eventually, we decided to separate as a trial, and to give me a chance to figure things out. He moved about an hour away, but we kept the separation secret from nearly everyone who knew us (family included). And even the very few who knew we were separated didn't know why. I was deeply ashamed and didn't want anyone to know what we were going through—specifically, what I was going through. Even now, it is hard to find words to describe how dark that year was. I remember very little of it. I remember endlessly long walks with my dog in the chill of November. I remember being depressed by the emptiness of the house that my DXH and I were supposed to live in together, but in which I now lived alone. I went to work, faked it, came home. I don't know if other people noticed anything different, but anyone who was really looking would have seen that I was just an uptight, anxious shadow of a human being. Every now and then, my DXH would come back and spend a couple of weeks living at home. It was fraught with all kinds of tensions, all forms of guilt and worry. I felt anxious when he was around, and destitute when he was not. Every time he left, I spent several hours crying. Each departure was worse than the one before it. I felt like my insides had been cut out of me. At my DXH's urging, I started trying to date women. (One of my first relationships was with the wonderful woman who is now my DGF. But ours is another story, and I will tell it another time.) I was struck by how natural dating women felt. I didn't have to think about every little move I made; it just happened. Granted, I was awkward. Granted, I had no idea how to ask a woman out, or how long I was supposed to wait before calling her. Somewhat amazingly, the DXH coached me on these points. He wanted me to figure my sexual orientation out, while I was more reluctant--deeply afraid of what I would learn. And yet, some things were clear. I was starting to dress in a way that was more natural for me. A few men's shirts and a sweater vest had wormed their way into my wardrobe, and I wore them with great enthusiasm. And kissing a woman to whom I was attracted made fireworks explode in my tiny BW brain. I'd always thought that this was something that only happened in the movies, or to hopeless romantic types--not to pillars of logical thought like yours truly! Uh-oh, I thought again. Uh-oh. To be continued... |
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