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Q&A: The Judge Thought I Was a Little Boy!

2/3/2012

15 Comments

 
_Last week, I received an email that brings up some self-presentation issues many of you have asked about.  This version of the email is slightly edited (for length, and--at her request--to protect this person's anonymity).  Androgynous Advocate writes:


A few times per week, I'm mistaken for a child. Since becoming a lawyer, the situation has gotten worse, especially in court.  Today, in preparation for my first upcoming trial, I decided to go to court to see what a trial is actually like. I asked the court officer (a fairly strapping butch) for permission to observe and she granted it.  But I guess she never informed the judge, because the judge made attempts to figure out who I was, including: "I see we have a 'little person' over there waiting. Does HE belong to any of you?"

I pretended I didn't know she was talking about me. After all, I am not a small boy so why should I answer?  But to add salt to the wound, the court officer got up and ambled across the courtroom to whisper to me: "Not only did the judge think you were a kid, but she called you a boy!" At this, I turned bright red and almost broke down into tears (but held it together).

Later, the judge inquired again and I told her I was an attorney observing (I was wearing a suit, pink button down, and even some makeup). She apologized for the mistake about my age but omitted the whole gender error.  This leads me to my question: I recently got a pixie cut.  I love my super short hair; it's easy to deal with and feels totally freeing.  But I've had to take a bit of shit about it.  My grandmother gave me a long talk about how long hair is more "becoming" and "feminine."  An ex and I even had a huge fight over my short hair, in part, because she felt it was unfeminine (though she later clarified that the fight was about more than just the hair).

Even though I love short hair, it bothers me when people lament my not being feminine enough. It's not like I want to be perceived as super feminine (I feel very androgynous on a personality level) but I don't like when people see my lack of femininity as a liability.  For whatever reason, being mistaken for a pre-adolescent male distresses me, and I wonder if it might be less likely to happen if i suck it up and grow my hair out a bit. Or should I embrace this characterization? If someone thought I was a man it might not be so bad but regressing to age 10-12 is tough when you're trying to prove yourself in court. Have you ever been tempted to change something about yourself so you fit more easily into "the institution" (for me, the courtroom)?


Dear Androgynous Advocate:

First of all, I feel your pain!  Yes, I think most of us butchy/andro types have felt pressured to change something about ourselves to blend in with some kind of institution: school, work, family, etc.  I've written about the wisdom of doing this at various times, and it's never an easy balance.  As I see it, you've got multiple questions, so I'll try to break my answer into parts.

Professional life first.  Re: the little person comment: OMG wow.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  If I was in your shoes, I'd have been just as flustered as you were!  Good for you for keeping it together.  The judge was probably mortified (I sure hope so), and I suspect that the butch court officer was trying to commiserate, not to make you feel bad, since she probably knows all too well how irritating those kinds of mistakes can be.

In your professional life, you need to be respected as a professional.  Once you get established, people won't make these mistakes anymore (and they'll correct each other).  But in the meantime, you need t to be taken seriously.  So on first impression, it would be nice if they didn't think you were a boy-child.  If I were you, I'd take measures to minimize this.  You could always dye your hair grey and go to court as a little old woman--that would be kind of awesome.  But here are some better ideas:
  1. Wear a brooch.  I hate wearing brooches, but middle-aged women wear them.  Young boys do not.
  2. Wear pearls.  You don't have to wear them *all* the time, just the first time you meet someone.  All middle-aged female lawyers seem to own pearls.  Unless the judge mistakes the string of pearls for a puka shell necklace, pearls will help you exude "competent woman" vibes.
  3. Carry a briefcase.  A nice one.  When you sit down, place it prominently on your lap.  Whip out a legal pad and nice pen, too, even if you don't need to write anything down.
  4. Wear large earrings.  Big gold hoops are very middle-aged-woman.  Or bracelets.  Like bangles (shudder).
  5. Wear a "shell" under your suit jacket.  These are those shirts that don't have collars.  They basically look like this, and are sort of like T-shirts with a much lower neck but made out of silky material. 

I hope one or two of these approaches won't be too odious for you.  Yes, I've been tempted to change for an institution.  I finally started wearing ties, but it took a long time before I felt like I wasn't being stared at. And just walking around my workplace, I still get stared at sometimes.  At one of my old jobs, I wore a girl-suit and hated it.  Basically I'm now convinced that as long as it doesn't compromise my reputation or clients or anything, the institution has to tolerate ME, not the other way around.  But it's incredibly situation-dependent.

As for your more personal dilemma regarding short hair...  so many butches deal with this at some point!  Don't all our grandmothers think we look more feminine (and thus, better) with short hair?  I think that most people are so steeped in gender norms that they don't know what they believe.  They just think girls are supposed to have long hair.  And you are a girl.  And when you have long hair you more closely match their idea of what a girl is "supposed" to be.  So they say things about how long hair "frames your face" or whatever.  But you know what, Androgynous Advocate?  Screw their opinions.  It's your head, not theirs, and they don't get to choose.  They'll get used to it and eventually stop bothering you (or you'll stop caring).  But it's a big deal that you find short hair "freeing."  Even if you decide to make some compromises about your professional appearance, in your personal life, you get to be you. 

Love,
BW

15 Comments
Lyndsay
2/3/2012 08:32:08 am

In my opinon, I think it might be rough in the begining, but in the long run it might actually work in your favor. It sets you apart from the mass of other lawyers, and makes you memorable. Not that you want to be remembered just for that, but I think that people with an alernative look, make people sit up and pay attention, and then once you have their attention you can impress them with your ability. Aside from that, be proud of who you are, and don't change the look you're happy with just to please anyone else, because then you will miserable.

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Androg74
2/3/2012 08:47:34 am

I'm a bit perplexed as to why we would advise anyone who feels comfortable (although not necessarily comfortable with others reactions) in their presentation to change any part of themselves. I frequently get mistaken as male (and a young male at that) and since I have being wearing ties fairly regularly, I have had to put up with the constant stares, sometimes stopping and staring and occasionally verbal expressions of displeasure. As difficult as that is and as unsafe as I occasionally feel, it would do more harm to me as a butch woman to change my outward appearance in order to somehow appease societal expectations of how a woman in her late 30's should present. Whilst it is not easy to feel the weight of societal pressure bearing down upon us, we should always resist conforming. It takes work to ignore or dismiss others reactions, but it can be done and you'll be a stronger person for it.

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bee listy link
2/3/2012 02:44:06 pm

I agree with you.

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Butch Wonders link
2/4/2012 02:54:04 am

I agree, Androg74. For me, the hard part is when it's not about *me* personally, but about other people. So for instance, if I'm a public defender and other people perceive me as childlike or unprofessional--even if that perception is totally unfair and ridiculous and biased--it could have repercussions for my client. That's where it gets tough. In front of a college classroom, it's really just about me. But in other jobs, it's not--and to me, this is when the situation starts to muddy (and I start to see it as worthwhile to slap on the stupid pearls until people get to know me).

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Ang Lawrence link
2/4/2012 09:33:52 am

I very much agree with this comment.

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e link
2/3/2012 08:58:36 am

I feel you, Andro Anon, I really do. I'll never be mistaken for a boy because of my ample (but firmly bound) chest, to say nothing of my gray hair, but the whole thing... yeah. Been through different versions of it. Most recently it has been my partner asking me to grow out my hair ~ non-negotiable in my opinion. She's got some issues and maybe we'll resolve them together and maybe not.

I think that our dear Butch Wonders has some great suggestions for you. I would like to add one more. I don't know how short your hair is, but maybe put a little product in it so that it looks 'styled' rather than punky or butch. Plenty of straight women have very short hair and still look feminine. Maybe if you do that until people learn who you are it will help. And then you can go back to the unencumbered and freeing short pixie. Best of luck!

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Deb Doe
2/3/2012 12:37:39 pm

Once you actually are a practicing attorney, Judges and other attorneys will come to know you and I don't think it will be as much of an issue. Some court rooms are still pretty formal....and I have known of attorneys(female) being turned away in the past because they didn't have a dress or skirt on!! (okay that was about 20 years ago) but different Judges do have their preferences. Most female attorneys I know wear some type of suit, either with pants or a skirt. Anytime you are gender bending the first time is probably the roughest...but unless you live in a really conservative area, once people get to know you it should be okay.( I live in a small town, not that conservative and we have women judges and lots of female attorneys)

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bookish butch link
2/3/2012 12:45:53 pm

My father's step mother once said she'd like to get a 'boyish bobb' like mine, it was a compliment and I enjoyed it:-) Short hair is freeing.

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Liz
2/3/2012 01:17:36 pm

I've struggled a lot with meeting others expectations of what I should look like in a professional setting. My preference would always be a men's suit and tie. I'm not quite 10 years into my professional life and at this point I'm mostly comfortable wearing that. Like BW, it's situation dependent for me, too, though. Its never an easy decision weighing the potential negative outcomes of wearing what I'd like to wear (will I be taken seriously? will I be heard at all? will my clothes detract from me being able to do my job?) against the definite negative outcomes of wearing what others think I should (not feeling at home in my own skin). It was helpful for me to know others have struggled with these issues too, so I hope you have a similar experience here.

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victoria link
2/4/2012 01:38:26 am

You know, there's an interesting cultural difference I've noticed between short hair in the States and short hair in England. Here, it's just...short hair. There doesn't seem to be any gender association with it at all. My partner got stared at, told she was in the wrong bathroom, etc, in the States. Here, no one even gives her a second glance.

Sorry for the sidebar...as far as the person above, the problem seems to be the professional aspect. That this person needs to be respected in their profession, but that's hard to do when you're being mistaken for a child. I think fashion would help immensely, as our butch wonder says. A child doesn't wear a suit, or carry a brief case, etc. And once you're through that door and getting the recognition you deserve, you can slowly go back to being your authentic self, and people will barely notice.

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C. link
2/4/2012 02:24:07 am

One of the first times I got mistaken for a guy was at the barbershop. The guy who was cutting my hair says "You sure have a lot of grey hair for a young guy." I reflexively responded with "I'm not that young." I figured the guy had sharp scissors and was old ... no telling how he might react to knowing he actually had a very butch woman in his barber chair.
On a serious note, this shit is hard. And I think everyone has to find their own comfort level, which will be situation-dependent and will likely change over time.

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Ang Lawrence link
2/4/2012 09:37:22 am

I spent half my life trying to live happily while semi-conforming to societal pressures, and finally in my 40's I put my foot down, so to speak, and said I am BUTCH and I will be who I AM, and stop "hiding" myself. And if they don't agree, then so be it. I always felt I looked foolish (and hideous) trying to "femme it up" in any way, shape or form. Since I stopped being "ashamed" of being as Butch as I am, I have found life to be far less complicated and far more enjoyable! I would never recommend changing one's appearance or mannerisms to conform to another's desires, or perceptions of how we "should" look or act. I think it damages us to do so, and it also gives others a power over us that we should not be giving easily. Just my opinion. Some of BW's suggestions are good though, like the brief case, and perhaps a pin (ugh, not a "broach"..). I worked professionally in a field that was primarily male dominated for 22 years, and established myself as an expert in the field. Toward the end of my career, and retirement, I stopped dressing for "society" and let my Butch self free, and I think I was taken MORE seriously when I stopped pretending to be someone I was not. Great blog, btw, BW!

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RiotFemme
2/4/2012 04:57:08 pm

I'm really disappointed that your advice is to conform to the heteronormative, binary gendered modes of dressing or acting by suggesting that she essentially "femme up". I actually had to re-read your response a few times to be clear that you weren't being sarcastic. What we should encourage and empower people to be is proud, out and self actualised and not feel pressurised into denying our essential selves simply to appease some unobservant straight folk (or unobservant Queers, for that matter).

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Butch Wonders link
2/5/2012 01:27:26 am

I disagree that that's what I'm doing, RiotFemme. As I mentioned above, for me, the hard part is when it's not about ME, but about other people. So for instance, if I'm a public defender and other people perceive me as childlike or unprofessional--even if that perception is totally unfair and ridiculous and biased--it could have repercussions for my client.

The question I received from the reader wasn't about whether she should conform to the gender binary for work. As she wrote, "If someone thought I was a man it might not be so bad but regressing to age 10-12 is tough when you're trying to prove yourself in court." She wanted to know how to not look like a child.

Additionally, as I mentioned above, I'm not suggesting these as permanent solutions. As my post says, I'm suggesting that the FIRST time she meets someone (like a judge) that she take measures not to be mistaken for a little boy. If you're a regular reader, I hope you know me well enough by now to know that I am not suggesting that she "conform to the heteronormative, binary gendered modes of dressing."

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WWG
10/7/2012 03:24:33 am

I'm a femme who is squarely in my mid thirties and yet get asked if I'm "in school" a lot. In my 20s, I really loathed being taken for younger, and wanted to be respected for who I was and my age. I definitely found clothing choices, attitude and confidence changed how I was perceived. That said, I tend to like comfortable clothes and no makeup, so I often deal with people assuming I'm a little girl or at least a young woman. I find however that once I open my mouth and start talking, it quickly becomes obvious that I am neither.

I agree with BW, the more formal you dress, the more people will take you seriously and there are certain visual keys which say "serious person coming through, watch out!" Pearls are definitely one of them for feminine presenting women. So too are cufflinks, heavy watches, and briefcases. Also, when the judge makes a comment like tha the first timet, feel free to address the rudeness head on and address the court and say something like "your honor, my name is X and I am an attorney who asked and was granted the permission to observe the trial." By not hiding from the judge's rudeness, you've said more than any clothing items can and shown yourself to be professional, female and someone to be respected. It's a never ending battle if you look younger, but look at it this way - you save lots of money on plastic surgery to make you look younger!!

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