Category: Advice

Suits Were Purchased. Pearls Were Worn.

5/9/2014

I've been hesitating to write this entry because I don't know whether to make it instructional or confessional. Perhaps it is neither.

A few months ago, I was gearing up for a series of interviews in a very conservative (socially, not politically) industry. I was planning to wear my dark grey men's suit with the lovely, unstructured shoulders, complete with a purple checked tie. But one of my mentors got to me first (not you, CB). I should add that this woman is queer, in case that matters to you. I'll call her "MP" for "Mentor Person." This conversation occurred:

MP: So... You're not going to wear men's clothes to the interviews, are you?
BW: ...
MP: Look, you want a job, right?
BW: Right, but at what cost?
MP: Look, when you're at my level, you can wear what you want. But at this point, you want a job. You want to convey that you're like everyone else. And you don't want the interviewers thinking about your clothes.
BW: I don't care if they think about my clothes.
MP: Yes, you do. You don't want them staring at you thinking, "Is she wearing men's underwear?"
BW: I'll just walk in, wink, and tell them, "Nope."
MP: No to the men's underwear?
BW: No to the men's underwear! Well... today, anyway.

Okay, so then MP--who, let me stress, is someone I trust and who is invested in my professional success--tells me her hypothesis about gender conformity and clothing. Basically, she says that there are four components to a professional outfit:
1. Shirt
2. Something over the shirt, like a blazer or jacket or sweater
3. Pants
4. Shoes

MP's theory is that of these items, at least two need to be from the women's department so as not to attract undue attention/speculation/consternation. She tried, unsuccessfully, to get me to order a "shell" shirt from L.L. Bean or one of those other places. I told her I thought it was absurd. I resisted. I argued.

And then I gave in--partly.

On my way home that day, I stopped at Macy's and tried on approximately 15 women's suits. I do not like women's suits because they tend to lack pockets, to have too-short jackets, and to be cut in weird ways that make my hips look extra hipp-y and my boobs look extra boob-y. Finally, I found one that was relatively inoffensive, except that the jacket was a little too short. Whatever. I bought two, in black, plus a women's Ralph Lauren shirt that was lovely and purple and striped and devoid of girlish frills. (Not a "shell" or--God forbid--a "camisole"--I'm talking about a regular collared shirt.) I took a picture of myself in the new getup and sent it to MP. Her response: "Don't you think it's a little narcissistic to send me pictures of yourself?"

Ha. From MP, that's approval.

The next day, unprompted, MP loaned me actual, real pearls, because she said rich people can tell the difference between real pearls and fake pearls and I was likely to encounter people who had grown up wealthy. I am extremely skeptical of pearls, but since these were small and looked shockingly non-dowdy with my new, very sharp shirt, I went for it.

So according to MP's formula I was more than sufficiently girly: pants, suit jacket, shirt. Three out of four! (There was no way in hell I was going to wear women's shoes.) Plus pearls!

Looking in the mirror the day of my interviews, I realized that there was still no way anyone would mistake me for straight: my ever-present tiny silver hoops, very short haircut, and men's shoes gave me away. Even with pearls, I didn't look feminine, but at least I was closer to Ellen's look than to Lea DeLaria's. (Point of clarification: I like Lea DeLaria and her look; I'm not knocking it, just saying that I didn't want to embody it that day.)

Among the sea of other interviewees, I was still by far the least gender-conforming person. I might as well have been wearing a rainbow sticker on my forehead. Still, the cut of my suit allowed me to look conforming enough for interviewers not to dismiss me, and masculine enough that I felt comfortable. In fact, I felt like quite the powerful dyke.

Did I "betray" my butchness by wearing a lady-suit? Maybe. Would I have been more "true" to myself in a men's suit and tie? Maybe. But at the same time, I thought carefully about the degree of "compromise" I was willing to make, and what I was and wasn't willing to sacrifice to fit in. More gender conformity would have gone over better with interviewers, I suspect. Still, I have to admit that I felt proud of finding a balance that worked for me in this particular situation, and grateful to MP for giving me the heads-up that I needed to make a few changes if I wanted to be in the ballpark.

As you can tell, I'm still wrestling with it. I loathe the idea of compromising to "fit in." But I also loathe the idea of not getting the job I want because I was too stubborn to take off my damn tie. At least for me, being butch is partly about being true to myself, and partly about finding a balance that will let me be myself while accomplishing what I want to accomplish. (And finally getting some power, so that I can not only put my own tie back on, but hire plenty of other tie-wearing women when I'm the one making the decisions.)

I bet some of you can relate to this. For those of you in industries where you're likely to be punished for gender non-conformity, what do you do? What kinds of balance have you found, and how has it worked?

13 Comments

Things Butches Need to Stop Doing

3/21/2014

59 Comments

A highly subjective (and probably offensive) list of things some butches do (or that I've done myself) that bug me and/or others. I submit to you, dear readers, the question of whether, in YOUR ideal world, butches would stop doing the following:

Slouching. It's bad for your back, and an "apologetic" posture besides. Don't be apologetic. Stand proud.
Avoiding jewelry because it's too girly. (If you don't like jewelry aesthetically, fine--that's different.)
Feeling like you have to shop ONLY in the men's department, or else you aren't really butch. If women's underwear is more comfortable, wear it! It doesn't make you any less butch.
Feeling like you have to shop ONLY in the women's department, because you identify as female. Some items are just easier to find in men's. You get to have it both ways. Enjoy it and be YOU!
"Puffing up" when you see another butch (and don't even TRY to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about!). ;)
Assuming that anyone who looks like you also identifies as butch. (I am totally guilty of this.)
Taking advantage of patriarchal bullshit. (I know I'm going to get in hot water for saying this, but in VERY close to ALL of the married butch-femme couples I know, if only one of them changed their last name, it's the femme. I feel like it replicates the kind of patriarchal BS we're trying to avoid: remove man, insert butch.) [BW ducks and prepares to have people tell her that she doesn't understand the butch-femme dynamic, which is probably true.]
Thinking you have to be a sexual "top." You don't!
Referring to your "butch brothers," not "butch brothers and sisters." Some butches don't like male pronouns.
Smoking cigarettes (I'm looking at you, east coast butches!).
Being misogynistic and saying unkind things about women/femmes. Just because you have a vagina doesn't mean you're not being a dick.
Not buying new clothes when (1) you can afford to, and (2) the old clothes have rips and/or holes and/or were purchased before 1990.
Acting like some kind of self-appointed butch police, telling everyone else what's butch and what's not (I am also guilty of this one--e.g., within this very post).
Thinking you have to pierce your face and/or get tattoos. If you want to, go for it! But it's not a required butch rite of passage, 95% of urban butch baristas' beliefs notwithstanding.
Assuming that when other people transition and become male, they are surrendering their lesbian identity. Some trans guys still ID as lesbians. You don't have to understand it (admittedly, I don't totally get it myself). But who cares if we understand it. Respect it.
Assuming that just because you transitioned, or are taking T, other butches all want to transition, too--and that if they don't, they're somehow less "butch" than you are. Butchness doesn't come in a bottle or a syringe; as everyone knows, it comes in a jar of really good hair product.
Drinking too much. Self-control is butch. Looking like an idiot and getting sloppy drunk every time you go out... not so much.
Assuming that all other butches date femmes.
Assuming that butches who date femmes must be "the guy" in the relationship (the one who wants to go to Home Depot, the one who takes the trash out, etc.) Plenty of butches cook and sew; plenty of femmes wield a power drill with aplomb.
Acting like a typical "bro" or frat boy in pursuit of butchness.

Okay, dear readers... lay it on me. Which of these do you disagree with? Which do you agree with?

59 Comments

How to Tip Like a (Butch) Boss

12/29/2013

12 Comments

Butches aren't the only ones who dole out gratuities, of course but since we all aspire to be paragons of mannerly charm (RIGHT??), let's make sure we do it correctly.

Tipping practices vary throughout the world; I'll focus on the US and let my international readers weigh in about customs elsewhere.

1. Situations where you'll look like a jerk if you don't tip:

At bars: $1 per beer/wine; $2 for a fancy drink. Or if you're paying with a credit card, 15-20% is fine.
At restaurants: 15-20% is standard. People vary on whether this is pre-tax or post-tax. I insist it's the latter, but my DGF says I overtip.
At a haircut: 15-20% is normal.
After a massage: Most people give a solid 20% for a massage, though I have no idea why this should be different from a haircut.
When a parking valet gets your car for you: I've seen people go as low as $1 and as high as $5. I usually do $3.
Hotel maid or housekeeper: $2 per night, plus $1 for each additional person. (I actually didn't know this one for a loooong time, but in my defense, I almost never have people make up my room.)
At the end of a cab ride: 10-15% of the total fare. Like restaurant servers, they especially appreciate tips in cash.
Tattoo artists: 15-20%, assuming they didn't spell your girlfriend's name wrong.
Food delivery person: $2-4 (optional if there's a delivery charge).
House cleaner: $10 per cleaning is good.

2. Situations in which tipping is optional:

A coffee shop tip jar: If they are really nice, cheerfully answering your pain-in-the-ass questions about the origin of the chocolate in the mocha, put in a buck. If they're passably pleasant, I usually put in my change. But you're certainly not obligated.
At the dry cleaner: It's unusual to tip in cash there, but if you have a miracle-performing dry cleaner who gets BBQ sauce out of your $500 Robert Graham shirt, a bottle of wine is nice.
At buffets: Particularly if someone takes your drink order, $1 per person at the table.
Babysitters: Most people don't tip sitters (though in my book, tipping someone who takes care of your kids isn't a bad idea). But most people do round up to the nearest $5 or $10--e.g., if the tab is $38, pay $40.
When you drop off your car with a parking valet: Not necessary, but a good idea if you'll need your car in a hurry (a tip will often give you a good/close parking spot, making your car easy to retrieve).
Movers: If you hire people to help you move, and they don't break anything, consider handing each mover $20 at the end of the job.

3. Situations in which you should really not tip:

At a movie theater
Your doctor or therapist's office
After a really good date
Paying your phone bill
When you are stopped for speeding

Bonus Q&A Tipping Tips:

Q: What if my server sucks, gets my order wrong, is rude, etc?
A: Suck it up and give the lowest polite amount possible, which is 15% of the bill's total before tax. A few reasons for this: (1) You don't know why they're lousy. Maybe it's their first day. Maybe their dog was just diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. Who knows. (2) If you stiff the server, you're also stiffing everyone with whom the server shares tips: hostess, busboy, etc.

Q: So if I use a coupon, I still just tip on the total bill, right?
A: No! You tip on the full amount, as if there was no discount.

Q: So if I get something suuuper cheap, I still just tip 15-20%, right?
A: Technically, I guess you're justified. But if you order less than other tables, add a few extra bucks. If I go to a busy cafe at lunchtime and take up a whole table just to drink coffee, I'll usually leave $5.

What other questions do you have about tipping? Any awkward tipping situations/stories you'd like to share? Put it in the comments!

12 Comments

Our Parents Talk Back: Holiday Tips for Queer Daughters!

12/24/2013

2 Comments

After reading my Guide to Having Your Lesbian Daughter Home for the Holidays, my mom (whom I did not realize reads my blog pretty regularly --how rad is that?) mentioned that having one's dyke progeny home is not always a walk in the park, either. Even if they want to be fully accepting and supportive, our families don't always know how. So my mom and I have collaborated on this list of how we lesbian daughters can do our part to make family time as joyous (or tolerable, depending on your family) as possible.

Try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Yes, family psychology is complicated, but with few exceptions, your family members aren't actively trying to hurt you or be jerky about things. If someone says something that could be reasonably interpreted in an unfavorable light or a favorable one, try hard to do the latter.
Be gracious when people give you dumb gifts. This applies to all gift recipients, but since gender nonconforming folks are especially likely to receive gifts that strike us as ridiculous, we should brace ourselves. Yes, those pink socks Grandma gives us probably will go unworn. But Grandma doesn't need to know that. A gracious, "Thank you so much for the gift" goes a long way. You don't have to like a gift to thank someone for giving you a gift. (Later, you can trade with your closeted gay male cousin, who got the navy blue ones.)
If possible, TRY to ignore the gender essentialism that is likely to abound. Yes, in many families, people WILL give the dolls to the girls and the trucks to the boys. And yes, this reinforces binary notions of gender that abound in society, were harmful to many of us, and (I would argue) are harmful to society more generally. But before or after the holidays, ideally in one-on-one conversations with people, is the best time to bring this up. There's no need to make Christmas morning uncomfortable by exaggerated sighs and eye-rolling when little Suzie opens her Barbies.
Don't automatically assume that conservative family members don't support gay rights. This one is hard for me, since gay rights is not "just another issue" to me, and I view it as an insult to my personhood when someone votes for someone who does not support gay rights. But not all conservatives feel this way. Many, especially those with a more libertarian bent, are gay rights supporters.
Talk to whoever you're closest to ahead of time if you have concerns. For example, plan a mid-day walk to "debrief" and check in with your sister, mom, son, or whoever "gets" you best.
Be an educator, if the opportunity arises. The other day at brunch, a straight friend offhandedly said something that I'm SURE he didn't mean to be dismissive--something along the lines of, gay marriage has made huge strides, people's opinions are really changing, etc. I said something like, "I totally agree with that. At the same time, I'm not sure marriage is our biggest fight right now--I'd be really happy if gays couldn't be fired in most states for their sexual orientation." My friend was surprised about this, since these things are rarely publicized in the media, and this led into an interesting conversation about the best ways to effect social change. I was proud of my response, because I managed not to deny his blithe "social change is inevitable" attitude, but at the same time, I let him know that I see his view of gay rights as rosy and unrealistically ideal.
Help out around the house. Doing stuff you don't feel like doing is a nice way to show that you're still "into" the family.
Realize that people DO change. Try to see when people's attitudes ARE changing… and if they are, try (as best you can) not to hold them too accountable for things they said five or six or 15 years ago. Seriously, people change.
Realize that yes, certain things are going to be a little bit weird. In some families, there's an adjustment period--and it can last *years*. A lot of parents go through this "mourning" period, where they spend a lot of time thinking about how different your life is going to be from how they thought your life would be. You don't have to understand why this is, and you don't have to like it. But you should know that your coming out affected other people, not just you.
Dress nicely. Even if family members are made uncomfortable by your gender-nonconforming wardrobe, at least they know you care.
Warn your significant other about your crazy homophobic uncle ahead of time. In general, it's not a bad idea to warn people about other people's trigger points. (The exception: any sadistic and/or passive-aggressive family members who will then make SURE to bring up these points.)
Don't assume that people will automatically know how to make you comfortable. I know this may sound silly to you, since you're used to being around people of all kinds of different orientations and gender expressions, but genderqueerness really throws some straight people off their game. If there's something they can make you do to make you feel more welcomed, tell them! They may or may not say yes to your request to avoid gendered pronouns, bring some friends with you, stop using a childhood nickname, or call your girlfriend your "partner." But then again, they might. The important thing is that you're communicating; even if they don't pick up on stuff right away, at least they understand you a little bit better.
Show that you're willing to talk about gay things, and that your life isn't taboo (well, unless it is). For example, your mom might not know that it's okay to ask you about your dating life, or to talk to you about whether you want to have kids someday. You can open the conversation by mentioning these things offhandedly yourself. Or you can even say something like, "Hey, I used to be sensitive about personal stuff when I first came out, but I just want you to know that you can ask me whatever you want about my life and it doesn't bug me. If something is uncomfortable, I'll tell you." (If they say something absurd, like, "I don't want to hear about your sinful homosexual lifestyle," they don't deserve to know anything about your awesome self.)
Take care of yourself. If that means staying at a hotel, getting quiet time, taking a walk by yourself, sitting something out, do it. Your mental health is pretty darn important.
Realize that, by and large, we are all doing the best we can.

2 Comments

Top Gifts for Butches, 2013

12/21/2013

5 Comments

This is a mite tardy, but I hope it will help you find the perfect last-minute gift for your butch friends/partners/family. (And yes, there's still plenty of time to get free 2-day shipping on Amazon, so YAY.)

Some of these items are from my own wish list, but most are suggestions from BW readers. Enjoy, and feel free to post your own ideas in the comments!

The wool tie one pictured here is one of my favorites--gorgeous for dapper butch winter wear. And the Tie Bar is my favorite tie company. Only $15-$20 for most ties, and the quality is stellar.

Books make the best gifts. Here are some great queer recs: Ali Liebegott's Cha-Ching or The IHOP Papers; Haruki Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart; S. Bear Bergman's new Blood, Marriage, Wine, and Glitter; or the acclaimed graphic novel Blue is the Warmest Color (now a movie--I still need to read this one).

We love to smell great, but rarely buy scents for ourselves. Help us out with some cologne! Butch favorites include Twilight Woods, Euphoria for Men, and Gucci pour Homme II.

Fitbits are one of my Butch Store finds; they're fitness trackers you can put anywhere--pocket, clipped to undershirt, etc. They integrate seamlessly with phones, tablets, and computers, and have an altimeter (few others do). Plus, the company is great. I accidentally put mine in the washing machine (ruining it), and they replaced it for free.

I'm enough of a coffee control freak that I still use this thing, but everyone I know who has a Keurig (pictured left) loves it. Brewing good coffee is a snap with these--no more sludge at the bottom of a pot. And if your butch is a real coffee snob, go for a this Yama Coffee Siphon Vacuum Pot--probably the coolest-looking coffee contraption I've ever seen.

Handy butches swear by DeWalt miter saws, which make it easy to cut quickly and accurately at any angle. Or so I'm told. In truth, I'm flummoxed by anything fancier than a power drill (one reason I love being in a relationship my also-butchy DGF is that she picks up my butch slack!).

A slightly unusual pocket knife is a cool gift, especially for a butch pal. For something original, skip the Swiss army knife and go for a Japanese Higo no Kame or a Camillus.

Fountain pens are fun, and seem to be making a comeback (since it's hipster-cool to indulge your Luddite tendencies. A few good bets include the Lami Safari pen (Amazon's best-selling fountain pen--plus only $30), this pricey but fabulous retractable Pilot, and this Parker kit, which includes multiple cartridges and a bottle of ink.

Kangol Flexfits are my absolute favorite baseball cap (I'm wearing my navy blue one as I type this). Their logo is an understated little kangaroo. Very cool.

What's on your wish list, butches? For a few more ideas, check out the Butch Store. Good luck with your last-minute shopping!

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Suits Were Purchased. Pearls Were Worn.

Things Butches Need to Stop Doing

How to Tip Like a (Butch) Boss

Our Parents Talk Back: Holiday Tips for Queer Daughters!

Top Gifts for Butches, 2013

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Suits Were Purchased. Pearls Were Worn.

Things Butches Need to Stop Doing

How to Tip Like a (Butch) Boss

Our Parents Talk Back: Holiday Tips for Queer Daughters!

Top Gifts for Butches, 2013

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