Happy 2013!  I've been sicker than a proverbial canine the past few days, and I think it's the flu.  For me, one of the worst things about having the flu is the caffeine withdrawal headache.  With a regular cold, I can power down a cup or two of coffee even when I don't feel like it.  But with the flu, NO way is anything going into my mouth besides saltines and watered-down Gatorade.  Which means a massive caffeine-withdrawal headache on top of the chills and nausea.  It's the only time I've thought seriously about popping caffeine pills.  But I resisted, because when you don't have caffeine for a few days and then you have it again, it's like, KA-POW!  (In a good way.)

Anyway, I thought I'd start the year by posting December's best search terms!  There were quite a few goodies last month that somehow landed people on Butch Wonders...

• "LESBIAN BUTCH" (This is a pretty common search term to get to my blog, but I love that 13 people searched for it in ALL CAPS.  Did they think that they would get DIFFERENT, SLIGHTLY LOUDER RESULTS?)
• "if someone asks you if you a boxer does it mean they want to have sex with you"  (Yes, it does.)
• "Dr.????PASCAL?????"  (Is???IT REALLY????YOU???)
• "what to call a cute butch"  (I usually go with either "You boxer" or "Dr. Pascal.")
• "men lycra sexy costume"  (A costume search oxymoron?)
• "lesbian porn two girls sweater vest"  ([Cue cheesy music]  Oh, Darla, look.  There's only sweater vest...  Looks like we will have to share.  [Meaningful glance])
• "gayism ends at age of 30 years"  (Ever since my gayism cleared up, my nasal congestion and burning sensations are gone!)
• "wearing a white tshirt and belt means you are lesbian"  (Duh.)
• "if a gir emails another woman everyday is she gay"  (For sure.)
  
• "sexy man with cape"  (Can it be a lycra cape?)
• "hamster nipplepircing on girles"  (Any way you slice it, this is an awkward search.)
• "butchy smack"  (I'ma talk some butchy smack at you.)
• "butch glue" (Your butchy smack bounces off me and sticks to you!)
• "cute university colors in california"  (Worst possible way to choose a college)
• "being gay at christmas"  (I like the idea of changing your sexual orientation for a holiday.  This Easter, I'll be straight!  Flag Day?  Bi!)
• "surprised gays having sex"  (Do you think they didn't know it was Christmas, then they woke up having sex and were like, "Oh--I totally forgot that we are gay at Christmas...")
  
• "i love surprises gay"  (Well, then merry Christmas!)
  
• "Some people favourite some weird stuff.. I'll tweet "on my way home" and someone will favourite it like a goat"  (Aaargh, yes!  Farm animals are always favoriting my most boring tweets!  Grr!)
• "should women serve on juries"  (Don't women have enough rights already?)
• "uncomfortably sexy german man"  (Hallo.  Mein name eez Dieter.  I ahm very sexy but it maakes me so uncahmftoble.)
• "i don't get confused while shopping for clothes"  (Big whoop.  I don't get confused when I'm at the grocery store or the dry cleaner.)
• "gayest looking man"  (Here is my submission.  This is also a fave.)
• "10 things butch lesbians like in bed"  (1. pillows; 2. sheets; 3. duvets; 4. books; 5. socks; 6. iPhones; 7. blankets; 8. puppies; 9. hot chocolate; 10. saltines.)
• "how to maintain peace with a hipster butch"  (Whenever she mentions a band, say, "Whoa, I've never heard of them.")
• "tools aren't butch"  (Untrue.)
• "abstract llbean"  (Theoretical REI.  Conceptual Target.  Ideational Macy's Mens.  It's a postmodern shopping extravaganza!)
• "is ellen a dyke because she wears men's clothing"  (Yes!  Men's clothing turns straight women gay!  I put on a men's vest back in '06 and I've never recovered.)
• "what make women become dyke"  (Women wear men clothes women become dyke so weird but so fun!)
  
• "flirting with my tie"  (That seems like a last resort.  Have you tried online dating?  Or dressing a cute straight girl in men's clothes?)
• "pictures of my old gay clock"  (Here's one!)
  
• "1 so good store that people would be so intrestid in and it has to be writen in"  (Worst business plan ever.)
• "lesbian, the girl seems awkward with my presence"  (Perhaps the girl lesbian is just awkward with your sentence construction.)

• "ways to bring a lesbian demon in the girls bedroom"  (You are creepy.  Please put down the Internet machine and call a friend.)
  
• "Im butch lez so do i make a good decision by buying my g.f a box of chocolate and card?"  (If she likes unimaginative convention, you're so on it!)
• "teen lesbians showing thier boobs and in mood of dangerous"  (I'm going to be in mood of dangerous if your writing doesn't improve.)
• "be kind to the straight people"  (They can't help it, the poor dears.)
• "how to wear a banana swim suit"  (A banana is not a sufficient swimsuit!  Tangerines and strawberries are out, too.  Maybe a really big watermelon, though.  Maybe.)
• "lesbians who use restrooms to get girls"  (Hey, baby.  Been to this restroom before?  Yeah, it's one of my favorites, too.  Want to check out the toilet paper?)
• "amanda palmer impostor syndrome"  (A little-known syndrome in which the sufferer believes he or she is named "Amanda Palmer.")
• "hit butch lesbians"  (Ack!  Please don't!)
• "lesbian drees"  (Get yer lesbian drees!  Right here, only ten dollars a dree!  Limited time only!)
• "leopard pocket shirt general pants"  (For those days when you want an extremely specific shirt, but you want your pants to be applicable to pretty much everyone.)
• "just because you are gay doesn't mean you like straight people"  (That's right!  And being a dolphin doesn't mean you like cats.  And being a wrestler doesn't mean you like baseball players.)
• "how to know if youre the butch one"  (If you're googling it, you're probably not the butch one.)
• "would a tattoo of five stars in different sizes on the right foot mean you're lesbian?"  (Yes.)  
• "what Christmas present to buy the butchy b**** you don't like"  (I'm not sure which is weirder--the fact that this person is putting so much effort into buying a present for someone they don't like, or that they conducted their search with "b****" instead of "bitch," or that they thought that this was an actual genre of gifting.)
• "pod bielu koselu tricko"  (What?)
• "ONE DIRECTION BINGO"  (SOUNDS PRETTY STRICT.)
• "sexy hanukkah costume"  (You've got my dreidel spinnin', baby.)  
• "i like calling my girlfriend mama lesbian"  (For some reason, I hope that this isn't a lesbian who calls her girlfriend "mama," but a straight guy who likes to call his girlfriend "mama lesbian.")
• "Monopoly sex"  (Buy me a railroad, baby!  Put up a hotel on Illinois Avenue!  Then cover me in fake pastel money!  Yeeeees, that's what mama lesbian likes!)
• "ashton kutcher wikipedia español"  (How did this person get to Butch Wonders?)
• "if there is a four year difference in age can we still date in oregon"  (Four-year age differences are illegal in Oregon.  Five-year age differences are fine, though.)
  
• "if you're 18 years of age can you hit someone younger than you?"  (No; you have to wait till you're 63 to hit someone younger.  Except in Oregon.)
• "lion suit good gents"  (Because every good gent fancies a jungle animal dress-up day now and again.)
• "classy men doing classy things"  (Like dressing up as a lion!)
  
• "mens toilet paper outfit"  (Another classy option for a classy man!)
• "classy guy wearing a long plaid skirt"  (This month's searches abound with classy options!)
  
• "how to make everyone know someone is gay" (Flier the building.)
• "where can i buy a penis cake pan in grand island nebraska"  You are way too exciting for Grand Island, Nebraska.)
• "what to say when someone asks who the girl is in a gay relationship"  (Tell 'em, "If you can't figure it out yourself, that means you're gay, too!")
• "whole knitted man suit"  (Yes, this is obviously a bad idea, but you may not grasp how bad unless you see it.)

That's it for today, folks.  Back to my watered-down Gatorade!  Much love to you for the new year!

I am sooo stoked!  The "Pets & Their Butches" calendar--inspired by YOU all, is finally here.  It took, oh, 20 times longer than I expected to make it, but I think it was worth it, and I hope you do, too. 

I received hundreds of submissions for the calendar--far more than I expected! I couldn't use them all, but congrats to the butches whose photos were chosen (as a monthly photo, or for the front/back cover, or for May or December, which are photo collages)!  Special thanks goes to my awesome DGF for making some of these photos much better and higher-res with her amazing Photoshop skills. 

This is such a cool example of butches coming together to create something awesome.  I hope you'll consider getting one.  They come in three different sizes.  Order two or more and get 50% off with the code 2CALDEALFREE.

Alas, Zazzle makes 75% of the profit (if I do this again, I'll look into better options!).  But 25% goes to support Butch Wonders--yay!--and after I cover my own costs, I'll be donating 100% of the profits to a local animal shelter.

So, what are you waiting for?  Go check out the calendar(!), and while you're at it, see if you like any of the other goodies I've created.

Last week, I had a Facebook contest in which I asked readers to send their favorite pictures of themselves with their pets.  The best photo wins a collar charm from Pooch Park Wear. 

I received photos from nearly 100 readers!  I'll put at least one photo from each person in the slide show below.  (Warning: make sure you're sitting down, because the sheer cuteness is likely to turn your knees to pudding.)

I had a lot of trouble deciding on the winner, so I thought I'd share my top five and let you guys vote on the best pic!  Here are the contestants:

Check out the rest of the awesome entries in the slideshow below.  And HUGE thanks to all the wonderful readers who shared a pic of themselves and their pets--from cats to dogs to bearded dragons!

How is it December?  My November was sucked away by mono, and that's not fair.  Now I'll have to party* twice as hard in December to compensate.

As is the tradition here on Butch Wonders, I'm sharing a list of the best search terms that have delivered Googlers to the BW blog in the last month:

• "why do lesbians wear sweater vests"  (Because mean people keep cutting the sleeves off our sweaters.)

• "how to make a butch lesbian happy"  (Leave her sweaters alone.)
  
• "when my friend wears the same dress the next morning after a party"  (It means that her night was better than your night.)
  
• "when i wear a dress, the sides of my"  (Mine too!)
• "how do i know if i am a butch lesbain"  (If you can't spell it, you aren't one.)
  
• "best way to keep ties" (House arrest.)
• "just let me put it in a couple of inches"  (I don't suppose you're talking about sticking your foot in a sock, are you?)
  
• "what does it mean when you date someone and they turn gay"  (It means you made them gay.  This is definitely all about you.)
  
• "how do i find a gay man"  (Any Starbucks in SF or NY are good bets.  Also, Labor Day sales at Nordstrom.)
  
• "girls brush each other hair gay?"  (Definitely.)
  
• "video sexy teen Waller Invisible Gel"  (How did you get to BW??)
  
• "should a woman have a boy toy"  (This is highly contingent upon what you mean by "boy toy.")
  
• "'3 inches' neckties"  (Probably too short, unless you are a rodent.)
• "one syllable nicknames like ace"  (Mace.  Case.  Lace.  Pace.)
  
• "mononucleosis nipples"  (I have no words.)
• "how.does.butch,look.like.in.real.life"  (all.butch,look.different.in.   real.life.shocking,just.like.other.people.)
• "what would my demon name be"  (Mono Nips)
  
• "lesbian part of my wedding"  (I love the idea of weddings having a "lesbian part!"  Somewhere between "Here Comes the Bride" and the exchange of vows, the minister says, "Now I want every woman here to kiss another woman.  This is the sacred lesbian part of the wedding.")
  
• "lesbian imposter syndrome"  (This is a little-known disorder caused by a virus thought to originate in Northampton, Massachusetts.  It typically lasts from age 18-22 or so.)
• "lesbian flirt touch eye"  (Yes, we love having our eyeballs caressed!)
• "tattoo lesbians"  (That's the other thing we love--tattoo us!  But make it a surprise--do it while we're sleeping.)
  
• "why do gay people hate straight people"  (Because they never touch our eyeballs firmly enough.)
  
• "im butch"  (No you're not.  Real butches punctuate better than that.)
  
• "ideas on what a lesbian should wear to a white party"  (Wear purple.  It’s festive.)
• "ideas of what to put in my dresser"  (Don’t you wonder about people sometimes?)
• "how to tell if a lesbian likes you"  (She'll touch your eye.  Firmly.)
  
• "butch menstrual pads"  (Can you imagine?  Sports logos instead of flowers, and mint or eucalyptus scents instead of “fresh daisy” or whatever.  Ooo—we could have butch tampons, too; instead of a string, they’d have a chain.)
• "i think my girlfriends a lesbian sweater"  (Well, at least she can keep you warm at night.)
• "i confuse people with my incredibly good"  (I clarify with my bad.)
• "what does it mean when my girlfriend calls me puppy"  (It means she thinks you are too butch.)
  
• "how to politely ask someone not to butch"  (Just say, "Hi puppy.")
  
• "how to attack a woman older than me 10years how to make a relation" (If you’re looking to "make a relation," you might want to abandon the  "attack" approach.)
• "dont use hair products"  (As if I'd take hair advice from someone who doesn't use apostrophes.)
  
• "do lesbians always have a butch"  (Always.)
  
• "cute nicknames for butcher"  (Meat Dude.  Salami Mommy.  Adulescentulus carnifex.  But isn’t it a little weird to nickname your butcher?)
• "can you wear a sweater vest in 2012"  (Uh...  sure, if you want to get arrested.  Thank goodness it'll be legal again in 2013.)
  
• "can you like both femm and butchy girls"  (Nope.  Your romantic preferences need to fall into a nice, neat category.)
• "butch lesbian signs"  (Yes, she does!  Though admittedly, I have no idea what she's saying.)
  
• "butch lesbian escort"  (Email me; I'll send you a price list.)
  
• "bridemaids party pants"  (Woohoo!  Bring out the party pants!)
  
• "being gay and happy"  (Yeaaah!  In my lesbian party pants!)
  
• "are lesbians obsessed with each other?"  (No, [lesbians lesbians lesbians lesbians] that's [lesbians lesbians] ridiculous [lesbians!])
  
• "are dr martens lesbian"  (All the cute ones are.)
  
• "allintext:Ich würde mit Ihnen muss hier überprüfen. Welche ist nichts, was ich normalerweise tue! Ich bekomme Vergnügen beim Lesen eines veröffentlichen, machen Individuen denken kann. Darüber hinaus ermöglicht dank für mich zu bemerken! Xyj"  (Yes.  That's what I've been trying to say all along.  No one gets me like you do, baby.)
• "roughest butch lesbians"  (Me, Justin Bieber, and Ellen DeGeneres)
  
• "a butch likes me and i dont like it"  (Tough luck.  Now you're gay.)
  

* And by "party," I mean catch up on work.

Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers!  I wanted to take a second to tell you:

Whether you're gay or bi or queer or straight,
Or have turkey or tofu or yams on your plate--

Whether you're single or looking or coupled or married,
Whether you're chillin' or stressed out or sleepy or harried,

If you're hanging with family or if you are not,
If you're stuffed to the gills or not eating a lot--

If you're sick or you're well or somewhere in between,
Whether you love today or prefer Halloween,

Whether you're watching football or reading a book
Or condemning those Pilgrims for land that they took--

If you voted for Romney or voted Obama,
Or if you're a a grandparent, auntie, or mama,

Whether you find yourself happy or sad,
Or Black Friday makes you incredibly glad,

Whether you live in Milwaukee or Texas,
If you're taking the bus or if you drive a Lexus,

Whether you're in the snow or huddled by heaters,
I'm thankful for you, all my Butch Wonders readers!

Cheesily yours,
BW