If you grew up celebrating Christmas, the holiday that used to bring you unbridled joy may now bring a big ol' dollop of mixed emotions. When we were kids, Christmas was less complicated. After all, what can top the idea of a benevolent, costumed, bearded man leaving gifts while you sleep? (Hmm, come to think of it, that sounds like something a gay man dreamed up.) But if you're like me, somewhere along the way, Christmas stopped being so easy. Note: if you're totally stoked about the holidays this year, this entry doesn't apply to you: go have a cup of eggnog or something.
My own mixed feelings about Christmas have to do with divorce, with people I miss, and with various types of guilt. For others of you, it has to do with a falling out with your parents, or with the death of someone you love, or with the frustration of having to pretend to be someone you're not. These aren't exactly thoughts you can bring up at the office holiday party. Instead, they're the kind of things that hit you when you're in line at the drugstore at 9:30 pm with a box of Red Vines in one hand and a bottle of zin in the other (just hypothetically, of course), and "The Little Drummer Boy" starts blaring from the store speakers, and--BOOM--a wave of Holiday Depression. The first thing to know about Holiday Depression is that you're not alone. Lots of people deal with it; they just don't talk about it. The second thing to know about Holiday Depression is that it passes. Don't let yourself think that your unhappiness during the holidays is somehow symbolic of the shortcomings of your life more generally. Because this is not true. Holidays are the time of year when the highest number of people report feeling depressed. You will feel a hell of a lot better in January. I promise. A few quick fixes for dealing with a sudden wallop of Holiday Depression: - Lay on the couch. Put your headphones on and listen to the least holiday-ish music you can think of. Angry, not sad. I recommend Tool, Rage Against the Machine, or whatever the current equivalent of that stuff is. - Open up Pandora and create a "Suzanne Westenhoefer" station. Listen. - Start planning a trip for somewhere you're going to go in 2012. - Write to me. Ask me anything. Or tell me something you don't feel like telling anyone else. - Do a project that involves plants or animals. Personally, I love paperwhites, and they're only about $1 each for the bulbs. You can grow them in anything and it's mesmerizing. - Buy yourself a new watch, or some other stylish thing that you will look awesome in. My DGF (and others) call this "shopping therapy." - Clean your whole house. Rearrange stuff that's been bothering you. It will distract you, let your mind wander, and make you feel like you accomplished something. - Go for a walk or a run--anything that gets you outdoors. Don't come back until you're exhausted. Then take a nice hot shower. These are only temporary fixes, but sometimes a quick fix is all we need to get us over the hump. So let's hear from you: Do you ever get hit with Holiday Depression? And what do you do about it?
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Whether we're 15 or 50, it's hard to shake the need for our parents' acceptance. For the non-gender-conforming among us, that can be a long (and sometimes hopeless) road.
When I first started to come out--what, five years ago or so?--it was not easy. Here are a few highlights:
I don't mean to give the impression that we agree on everything now, or that I never feel like a weird outlier, or that everything's hunky-dory all the time. But I feel pretty dang accepted, and five years ago, I would have never guessed that my relationship with my family would be this good. Our progress, I think, is attributable to: (1) unconditional love; (2) a willingness to talk about things that bother us (even if "talking" means arguing); and most of all, (3) a sense of humor. I'm incredibly grateful for the steps my family members (particularly my parents) have taken to understand me, and I hope that in turn, I've tried to "get" them. What signs of acceptance have you received from your family that you wouldn't have thought possible two or five or ten or twenty years ago? Hey, I was on the radio yesterday! Here's a link to the show. The interview improves as it goes along. I was slightly shaken by talking about my divorce right at the start, but I told Emily Cherin, who hosts "All Things Gay," as long as my anonymity was maintained, anything was fair game, so good for her for cutting right to the chase! In any case, it was fabulously fun. I'm just glad no one's said I have a "great face for radio." One of the things we talked about was when to deviate from deviance. (I'm using "deviant" only in the technical sense: different from the norm.) Many butches deviate from average female gender presentation daily. But should we ever feel compelled to "femme it up" a little? Here are some possibilities, along with my recommendations. Situation: You're going somewhere where appearing butch might open you to the possibility of physical harm. Verdict: Femme it up. Reasoning: For me, safety comes before psychic or physical comfort. If you think you might be in danger somewhere, dress accordingly. And don't bind. Heck, don't even wear a sports bra if you have a choice. That's a dead giveaway. (I know butches who pass as male when they travel. If you want to try that, fine, but this can become very risky if someone figures it out.) Situation: You're asked to be a bridesmaid at a traditional wedding, and your friend really wants you to wear what the other bridesmaids are wearing. Verdict: Toss-up. Reasoning: Maybe if it means more to your friend than anything in the world, it's worth it to suck it up and put on the satin yellow thing she's trying to foist on you. Then again, if she's truly a friend, wouldn't she understand that you'd be more at home in a tux and nice vest? Try reasoning with her, offering to wear what the groomsmen are wearing. If this fails, offer to take another role, like usher. This is a sticky situation, and ultimately, it's your call. If you decide to go for it, I recommend surrendering fashion decisions to the other bridesmaids, closing your eyes, and thinking of England. Situation: You're visiting your grandparents and your parents ask you to not to wear something masculine. Verdict: Play nice, but don't femme it up. Reasoning: Your family loves you no matter what... but sometimes they need to be nudged into accepting gender nonconformity. It's amazing what people can get used to (and sometimes we don't give them enough credit). But if you never push them, they'll never change. That said, maybe you don't need to wear a tie to Thanksgiving. How about khakis and a sweater? You're not compromising your identity, nor will you give Grandma a coronary. Situation: You're interviewing for a job in a conservative industry. Verdict: Don't femme it up. Reasoning: Unless you plan to femme it up every day on the job, don't do it in the interview. A nice dark suit--men's or women's--is fine. (I recommend matching the gender of your suit to the gender of your shoes; your look will be more coherent.) You'll interview better if you're physically comfortable. My interview go-to outfit is a dark grey men's suit, black Ecco men's shoes, and a lavender or light green men's dress shirt (tie optional). Would you really want to work for an employer who balks at hiring a butch? What's the toughest decision YOU'VE ever had to make re: whether to femme it up? What did you do? Dear Mom,
It's only been about 12 hours since I sent you the url of this blog. During that time, I've checked my email about 20 times to see if you've written back. Boy, was it hard to send that. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm afraid you won't like my writing, or that you won't like the topics, or that the whole "butch" thing will weird you out. I mentioned this to a friend, who suggested I write a letter to you on the blog. I thought it was an awesome idea, so here I am. I hope you weren't upset about that last post (or any of the others). Reading over it, it occurred to me that sometimes we like to talk about the challenging parts of our upbringing. Being (semi-)confident adults, it's interesting to look back and ponder the ways we didn't fit in as a kid. I think it helps us make sense of who we are, and how we got here. But sometimes the negative or neutral stuff is so elucidating that we don't focus as much on the positive stuff. I've been thinking about that positive stuff a lot today, and wanted to thank you for a bunch of things, including the following:
There's more, of course, but lists should always have a nice round number of items. What if I'd written a list with 6 items? Or worse, 13? Preposterous. Anyhow, Mom, this Butch Wonders thing is going pretty well. It's been up for only a few months, and I'm getting at least 300 readers every day, and growing. Yesterday was 642. Kate Clinton (a famous lesbian comedian) recently endorsed me on her Facebook page, and I also got an invitation to do a radio interview in October. Not bad, eh? I'm really enjoying it. I get to hear from readers (gay, straight, male, female) from all over the place. The best part is when I learn that something I wrote affected them: helped them come out to their parents, resolve a conflict with their girlfriend, or even figure out what to wear to a wedding. It's really amazing to feel like I'm making a difference (especially since my day job can, as you know, be pretty abstract). I hope to hear back from you soon, and I hope you don't mind hundreds of strangers reading my note to you. Love, "BW" |
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