Here's a tough question I got from a reader the other day.  I'll do my best to answer it, but I bet it'd be even more useful if others weighed in, too.

Dear BW,

Can you do a post about how you know you're female even if you're gender non-conforming at some point in the future? I feel like an alien in a Halloween costume when wearing women's clothes, even if they're not overly feminine. I don't feel like a dude, but I don't feel like a woman either, as far as I can tell, but if you aren't into being girly, how do you know if you're a woman? My best friends are straight and I don't know how to talk to them about how they know they're women. I wear all men's clothes, and I really like getting called sir, but I think that's only because I get called miss maybe 70% of the time, and sir 30% of the time, and I like knowing I'm ambiguous.

Thanks!
C


Dear C,

First: good for you to have the courage to ask these kinds of hard questions about yourself!  That's awesome.  Second: I'll give you the best answer I can, but I can only speak from my own experience; you should definitely talk to as many people as you can.

I had a conversation with my buddy C about something similar yesterday.  We were talking about gendered pronouns (we both use female pronouns, but are often called "sir" and don't mind it), and I mentioned that if I was a kid today (I'm in my 30s), growing up in a progressive area of the country (which I didn't), I wondered if I'd have identified as trans.  Why?  Because I totally didn't fit in with the other girls.  I didn't outgrow the "tomboy" thing--in fact, it became more pronounced as I got older.  I wished desperately that I could wear a tux to prom instead of a dress (ugh).  I can remember once in third grade, actually praying that God would come and turn me into a boy.  I felt much more at home with boys than girls.  Girls seemed foreign and hard to understand.  Boys made sense, and played cool sports.  (Mind you, I didn't feel like I was a boy, which many trans men report having felt.)

For me, identifying a boy would have solved this particular conflict.  But at the same time, I didn't feel uncomfortable in my own body (unless it was wearing women's clothes!  I was like you, in that I preferred men's clothes even to non-girly women's clothes).  It wasn't my body that was the problem--it was the culture around me (and the gender-based expectations and assumptions that culture contained) that were the problem.  I thought my breasts were kind of inconvenient, but I never felt like they weren't "mine."  As far as I can tell, this is a big difference between butches and trans men.  (You might be interested in this post about why female-identified butches are different from trans men.)  It wasn't until I started to meet butches and masculine women that I realized, "Oh!  That's what I am!" 

Some days it would be nice not to get stared at in public, which I wouldn't if I was a man in the same haircut and clothing.  But I don't feel like I "am" a man.  I don't want to use the guys' bathroom.  I like getting called "sir," as long as it doesn't happen all the time.  It reminds me I'm different.  Being a masculine woman just feels right to me.  I don't feel alienated from my lady bits--especially not when they're under a shirt and tie.  But put women's clothes on me and I'm suddenly an alien in my body.  This tells me that it's clothes and culture that are the problem, not my gender identity.  For my trans male friends, they didn't feel comfortable in their bodies no matter who they were with or what they were wearing.  Even if they were alone in the shower, they felt as if they were in the wrong body.  They hated being called "she" or ma'am.  (I'm not saying this is the experience of all trans men, just of the ones with whom I've talked about this.)

Until I was in my late 20s, all my best female friends were straight, and often fairly girly.  Even when I was married to a man (that's a whole other story--here's a link to part 1 of that five-part story if you feel like reading it), I didn't feel like I fit in with the straight women.  Now that I'm an out, proud, lesbian masculine butch woman, I feel like my straight female friends know I'm different from them, and respect it.  I don't think they see me as less of a woman, just as a totally different kind of woman.  And they often treat me more like a gay male buddy than like "one of the gals."  This took some getting used to, but I actually like it now.  The key point?  Just because you don't conform to society's ideas (or straight people's ideas) of what "being a woman" means, doesn't mean you aren't a woman! 

I should also point out that a lot of people don't identify as male or female.  Some identify as neither.  Others identify as both.  Some women get top surgery, because although they identify as women, they don't like having breasts.  Some trans men keep their breasts, because they like them or their partner likes them or they can't afford surgery.  There are all kinds of possible gender identifications and expressions.  Although boxes like "male," "female," "butch," "trans man," "genderqueer," and so on work for lots of people, that doesn't mean they have to work for you.  You can also pick more than one.  You can also change whenever you want.  There are no rules about gender, only patterns.  You don't have to follow one that's already been laid out.

I'm glad God didn't answer my third-grade prayer to be transformed into a boy.  I love being a butch woman.  There are hard things about it, yes, but overall, it just works for me.  Keep questioning, experimenting, and looking for answers about your own identity, and I bet it'll become clear what works for you, too.

Best,
BW

When I was first coming out, I thought that being gay would be a big huge pain in the neck.  I expected to be stared at when I was out with a girlfriend, I thought my straight friends wouldn't feel close to me, and that I'd always feel excluded at straight weddings and baby showers (if I was even invited). 

Some of these fears weren't entirely unfounded, but in my everyday life, the downsides of being queer were far smaller than I'd expected.  Sure, there were a few lousy surprises (e.g., sometimes people stare, and the "convert a straight girl, get a toaster" thing turns out to be a total scam).  But overall, being queer brought more good surprises than bad ones. 

One of these good surprises: kissing is fun!  And just for the sake of kissing, not as requisite foreplay (who knew?).  For another, I realized I love fashion.  Liberated to wear what I want, I now love reading about fashion and shopping for myself and other people.  My younger self (who broke out in hives just walking near Macy's) would never have believed this was possible.

While I was thinking about the surprise perks of being gay, I posted a question on Facebook yesterday "What's the #1 SURPRISINGLY best thing about being gay?"  I received over 50 answers and thought I'd share some:

• "Being gay I have gotten a lot closer to my family...I am very fortunate in that regard."
• "The fact that you understand how your partner's body function in bed. That's an undeniable advantage ;)"
• "Getting to be lovers with butches!"
  
• "Not having to worry about getting her knocked up."
• "Being able to be your true self."
• "You can share pieces of clothing."
• "Go TOGETHER in a public bathroom and no one will EVER ask questions. ;)" 
  
• "Being different!"
• "My community. The incredible bond in bed with my GF."
• "Being openly queer means you have a built-in filter that will detect and remove a good portion of the closed-minded jerks that could potentially enter your life. It's truly a great tool for screening out assholes, stodgy work environments, and boring parties."  (I thought that was a particularly terrific [and true!] answer.)
• "We have the BEST PARTIES!!! :P"
• "I finally feeling like i belong somewhere :)"
• "The courage that comes, the friends that love you as you are, the being able to breathe as a whole human."
• "Contentment deep within, like everything is the way it's supposed to be!"
• "Great sex and can't get pregnant!! ;)"  (I love not worrying about pregnancy--and not being on birth control pills.  Yeesh!)
  
• "On a personal level it's the freedom to date/express my attraction to women without the feeling that it is wrong."
• "Raising our children with diversity... love and acceptance of others.  My kids will have obstacles because they have two moms. But they will also have advantages because they are taught to 'dare to be different' and walk to the beat of your own drum!"
• "It used to be the novelty factor, as explained by Armistead Maupin. But there are so many of us out now, and we are more accepted, so that's not really it anymore."
• "Not being constantly asked when I'm gonna have kids is lovely."
• "The ultimate is being able to be yourself, no matter what. Knowing that how you feel is natural and not anything to be ashamed of."
• "The people I've become close to that I wouldn't know if i was straight."
• "When i came out to all the managers in the company i worked for at a meeting and they all clapped for me and gave me hugs that i could finally be open."
  
• "Knowing who my real friends & real family are...  and proud of my grandmother for telling me half the world is gay anyway! lol, she's probably more right than she knows ;)"
• "Meeting and marrying my wife was also surprisingly wonderful... I was told I'd never get married or have kids...HA! to you i say!"
• "The look on str8 ppls faces when I (obvious dyke/butch) walk in a room with my 2 beautiful daughters, one adopted and one birth.  They look so startled and confused, like deer in headlights. LOL is it wrong that I giggle inside every time?"
• "We can share dressing rooms, and bathrooms ;) and clothes. Also, having the same thought processes, same body parts which makes for very easy understanding of each other's pain and pleasure."
• "It has brought my mom and i closer and I have made amazing friends through lgbt groups."
• "That moment when either the viciously judgmental comments or the 'totally understanding' - 'well, good for you,' never come. It eases my cynical heart just the tiniest bit more."
• "Being out, being myself, supports my honesty and integrity. Being with the person that i fell in love with. Living life completely and wholly, not hiding who I am."
• "Kissing another woman. Best thing ever."
• "Breaking the stereotypical ignorance of some: 'you don't look like a lesbian.'"
• "I can be who I am, a Beauty King."
• "Knowing I'm right where I belong."
• "I am free!"
  

Do any of these answers resonate with you, dear readers?  What was the best surprise for *you* about being queer?

I've decided to try out a chat forum, just as an experiment for a few weeks, to give BW readers a chance to chat with each other about various topics.  I may pop in occasionally, too.  Check it out using the new "forum" link above. 

Secondly...  betcha thought I was going to forget about March's "weird-ass search terms that got people to my blog" list, didn't you?  No way--I saved the list, just hadn't gotten around to posting it.  So, for your enjoyment:

• "black button up shirt for 12 month olds" (How did this person get to my site with this search?  And doesn't that seem a touch formal for a 12-month-old?)
• "is ellen degeneres a butch lesbian?"  (As far as the media is concerned, yes.  As far as I'm concerned, she makes the Field Guide, but only barely.)
• "big bad lesbian butch tubes"  (What!?!)
• "san francisco dyke tubes" (Seriously, will somebody please tell me what the deal is with lesbian "tubes?"  This shows up in my search list at least a few times every month, and it's just weird.)
  
• "lesbians hate penis invalidates my identity as a woman"  (Lesbians usually hate neither penises nor men; we just prefer to have neither in our beds.  And even if a lesbian did hate penises, how would that invalidate your identity as a woman??)
  
• "is it uncommon for butches to be attracted to butches?"  (Not as uncommon as you might think!)
• "what two butches do in bed"  (We exchange big bad lesbian butch tubes.)
  
• "can you be female identified and want to bind your chest" (Yes.  To my knowledge, the Community has not yet issued any Official Restrictions on female identification and chest-binding.)
  
• "straight girl attracted to butch girls"  (Um, maybe straight girl not so straight?)
• "straight women attracted to butch women" (See above.)
• "straight women attracted to butch" (Seriously.  Are you SURE you're straight?)
• "straight woman attracted to androgynous women" (Dude.  You are at least a little bit queer.  Explore that side of you, pronto.  Then please give my information to the Community so that I can get another toaster for my collection.)
  
• "mesh liner in swim shorts cause injury" (I've been trying to figure out what injury this could be.  A number of possibilities come to mind, mostly involving tangled male genitalia.  Ouch!)
• "not all butch women are transgender" (Excellent point.)
• "howdy partner in a sentence"  (This is going to blow your mind: "howdy partner" itself is already a sentence.  Whoa.)
• "how butch women match boxers and bras"  (Okay, this is awesome.  For one, it assumes facts not in evidence.  I can only speak from personal experience on this one, but I'm guessing that even metrosexual butches like yours truly make very little effort in this regard.  We avoid overt clashing, but most of our bras are black or white sports bras, so this presents little challenge.) 
• "we need to balance taboos"  (Agreed.  Let's also juggle cliches, mismanage memes, and mitigate misnomers while we're at it.)
  
• "gay male moccasins sex" (Say what?)
• "what do you mean always"  (I mean all the damn time, bucko!)
• "exwifebestfriendisabutchdidshecrossover?"  (crossovertobeingalesbianjustbecauseherfriendisbutch?     YeahdefinitelyandwhileI'matitremindmenottobefriendanymenorI'll becomeoneandnottotalktoanyeightyyearoldsbecauseI'llsuddenly agefiftyyearsjustfromproximity.)
  
• "butch dog clothes" (See, this is why ambiguous modifiers are such a blight on society.  Are we talking about butch clothing for dogs [like my buddy C might look for to butch up her swishy mutt]?  Or clothing for butch dogs [e.g., clothing for mutt like mine, who is already butch]?  So confusing.)
• "AA AFuneral Benefit"  (Eh??  How did you get to BW from that?)
• "why is it most studs and butches are small breasted"  (We're not, but we often wear sports bras, and some of us even bind, so it looks like we have little boobies.  LITTLE BOOBIES!)
• "what to do when kissing a butch" (Cross your eyes, grit your teeth, and poke us hard in the ear with your index finger.  That turns us on, baby!)
• "what it says about you to tuck in shirt with no belt"  (It says: I forgot my belt!  Or: I have no fashion sense!  Or: My pants don't have belt loops, and are probably girl pants!   Or: I'm wearing suspenders!)
• "where does rachel maddow get her clothes" (I was trying to come up with a pun about how rachel maddow getting out of clothes is the more interesting question, but then I got too distracted by the idea of R.M. undressing and temporarily lost my ability to form coherent thoughts.)
• "why do gay men hug each other" (Because that is how rainbows are made.)
  

A little over a week ago, I received the following question from a reader.  It's a hard one, and one I've heard before, so I thought I'd better tackle it:

Dear BW:  I am only attracted to femmes, but my girlfriend has become more and more butch.  At this point she's almost as butch as me.  I love her but I don't find her attractive when she looks so butch.  What do I do? - MM.

Dear MM: this is a tough one.  When we start dating someone, they're one way.  Two years later, they're another.  Of course, this is natural: people grow, change, evolve, etc.  (As my mom says, "We are all in a state of becoming.")  But what do you do when you don't like the changes?

In a way, your question is a version of the question, "What should I do if my girlfriend tells me she's trans?"  I posted an answer to that back in January, and you might want to check it out. 

Obviously, I can't give you a definitive answer.  But here are some important factors to consider:

1. Have you talked with her about this?  Does she have the sense that she's changing?  Is it because she wants to be more comfortable in her own skin?  Because she sees herself differently?  Or because her gender expression is fluid and right now she's in a butchier phase?  Or just because high heels give her blisters and skirts are too chilly?
2. What is it about her "butchness" that you find unattractive?  How she acts?  How she dresses?  Her compulsive need to fix things?  Once you figure this out, you'll be able to better identify what it is that isn't working for you (and in turn, what to do about it).  
3. Relatedly: Maybe it's about you.  Maybe you feel threatened when your girl opens a door for you.  Or maybe you have preconceived notions about butches and are afraid she's going to act a certain way.  Or maybe you're just not aesthetically attracted to women who dress in men's clothing. None of these things are inherently wrong or bad, but understanding them will help you see whether your relationship dynamic can change for the better.
   
4. I strongly urge you not to pressure her into becoming more feminine.  While I think it's important to be honest about how you're feeling, I also think it's important that you don't say things like, "If you keep dressing butch, I'm going to leave you."  For one, it's mean and can stunt her growth as a person.  For another, if she "fakes" being more feminine than she feels, the change won't last.
5. You can love someone but not want to be in a relationship with her.  I'm all for "accepting people as they are," but your partner should be someone with whom you'd like to have sex occasionally.  If you don't find her attractive, this is a problem.  You are not obligated to stay with someone just because you're already in a relationship with her.  I feel like lesbians tend to err on the side of staying in problematic relationships too long, maybe because we're too worried about the other person's feelings.  (Yeah, I know--gross generalization.)  And keep in mind, too, that she deserves to be in a relationship with someone who finds her attractive and loves her as-is.  If you can't be that person, it's not just you that you're hurting by staying.
   
6. Try not to jump to conclusions about what "butch" means for her.  Instead, talk to her and find out.  She may or may not identify as butch, and even if she does, her idea of butchness may differ from yours.  This happens a lot (as I know from personal experience.).  Does "butchness" signify fashion choices?  "Masculine" or "gentlemanly" behavior?  Sexual dominance?  All of these?  None?  Make sure you're on the same page.
   
7. If you want to stay in your relationship, consider going to an LGBT-friendly counselor.  (Note: in my opinion, it's neither necessary nor sufficient that the counselor be LGBT-identified herself.)  This is something I should have mentioned in the "My Girlfriend Says She's Trans" post.  Talking to someone who's actually trained to help you think these things through can be tremendously helpful in getting to the root of a problem and figuring out whether the relationship will work.
   

As I see it, your choices are: (1) to break up or (2) to stay together and accept her as she is, and yourself as you are.  But staying together and trying to change her (or staying together and trying to convince yourself that you're still attracted to her) won't work for the long haul.

Has anyone else faced something like this?  Or been at the other end of it?  What did you do? 

Did you miss me?  Or is that just wishful thinking on my part? 

While I was not blogging this past week, I was spending time on one of my multiple otakus*: art!  I have an art installation (my first) going up next week (just in a local cafe--don't get too excited), and spent every possible moment finishing a piece (even missing out on Easter with my parents, which sucked because in addition to loving my parents, I really enjoy dyeing eggs**).  My art stuff also necessitated a three-hour trip to Home Depot and various other hardware stores to find mounting*** materials that would comply with the cafe's idiosyncratic rules. 

At Home Depot, I learned three important things:

1. My Home Depot suffers from an unfortunate dearth of butch lesbians. 
2. The lumber section of Home Depot smells awesome.  Just one whiff made me start fantasizing about home improvement projects--particularly noteworthy considering that I do not own a home and have neither the ability nor the inclination to engage in projects involving nails, saws, screws,**** and the like.  (Such things are why this metrosexual butch has a non-metrosexual butch DGF, after all.)
   
3. While Home Depot employees seem skilled in the art of cutting wood, the art of measuring is an altogether different story.
   

Anyway, I am now back to life at its usual frenetic-but-bearable pace, so brace yourself for my usual frenetic-but-bearable frequency of posts.

Much love,
BW

P.S. Another thing I learned this week: the amount of Robin's Eggs I can consume is limited only by the number I can purchase.


* Is that how you pluralize "otaku," or is it already plural?  Also, despite the term's frequent association with anime and manga, I am a fan of neither.  I learned the term from Seth Godin. 
** Holidays are awesome excuses for doing weird shit.  Think about it: what other time of year could you color eggs or haul a tree inside, decorate it, and prop it up in your living room without having people think you were nuts?
***  Heh heh.  She said "mounting."
****  Heh heh.  She said "screws."